Having nearly died again last year, however, and Mr Gaiman being one of the things that pulled me through my hospital stay and the weeks that past, yet again (for the third – and hopefully final – time) I truly feel like it is “now or never”; so, without further adue…
[Please note: I must forewarn that this Post discusses my depression and attempts at suicide and may be upsetting for some readers - especially new ones - but is intended to be positive, over-all. Proceed with caution]
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| Neil Gaiman. Author, and Illi-life-saver. |
I have, for some time, been wanting to write “fan mail” to the gentleman author who's name forms a part of this Blog post's title, but I have never found the courage to do so.
How, after all, does one thank some one whom one has never met? How do you put on to paper how those person's words helped you through your darkest times, keeping you alive, and continue to affect you positively each day?
So, I am cheating. I am writing a Blog post to all of my readers about how huge an affect this man has had on my life and why. I secretly hope that he shall read it and it puts a smile on his face, but otherwise, I really just want to send a big “thank you” out into the inter-verse and shamelessly encourage people to read his works.
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
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Like many children that are my age, I have a habit of falling-in-love with one film and obsessively watching it over and over again, often-times to the annoyance of those that must also endure the viewing(s). These films that we watch in our youths repeatedly actually help us develop as individuals. Books have the same effect.
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| The film, which I have watched literally hundreds of times in total, and often watch on a daily basis. |
That film and that book are Stardust, by the brilliant British author Neil Gaiman. It is a fantasy adventure fairytale about a fallen star and a human boy who fall in love. On the surface it might seem simple, but I have found its theme of True Love overcoming all and good winning over evil to be of the utmost importance and inspiration to me. So much-so, in fact, that it quite literally saved my life (and more than once).
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Stardust was one of the first films that I ever remember having watched, and it touched my heart. I have literally seen the film hundreds of times in my short life-time, and I have also since discovered the book, or rather the audio adaptation of it that is read by the author himself, which again I have listened to many, many (and more many…) times over. Hardly a day passes without some form of Stardust involved.
My friends jest with me that my watching or listening to Stardust is like a child being read a bed time story. It relaxes me and takes me to my “happy place” and I easily drift to the land of nod. More importantly, my emotional state can be judged by the film. If those closest to me place Stardust on a television screen and my tears do not cease, they know for a fact that things are serious. Thankfully, nine times-out-of-ten it usually puts a smile on my face, however.
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| The graphic novel, which I thankfully now own and am trying really hard to read! |
I wish that I could proudly say that I regularly read the book also, but sadly, when I read works of fiction it is more like processing data than finding fulfilment in a fantasy world. My mind acknowledges that a person's hair is brown and that they are holding an apple, for instance, but fails to actually produce an image. I am, however, utterly determined that Stardust will be the first book that I am able to read from cover-to-cover, with it lighting my imagination afire… My therapist, my friends, my husband*** and I are all hard at work to help me with this conundrum**, but for now I must limit myself to audio and visual fictional stimuli.
I do presently possess a copy of the graphic novelisation (again, written by Gaiman, but with beautiful accompanying images), which I read most of in my most recent hospital stay, but the book has since gone missing, much to my upset, and I have therefore been unable to complete it…
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Regular readers are aware that I have a history of depression, as with my predecessor. I have sadly been through many hardships in my short life that many do not experience in their entire lifetimes (although I am well aware that it could be far worse, and I am grateful it is not!), including – but not limited to – physical assault, sexual assault, kidnapping, and burglary***.
I try every day to be one of the most positive andkind-hearted people you could possibly hope to meet and would never intentionally hurt another soul, mentally or physically, but sadly this leaves me vulnerable to those that are much less kind… Such encounters are what have led me to attempt to take my own life not once, not twice, but three times…
Twice of those three times, Stardust helped me through.
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| One of my "I have a Stardust emergency!" style social media posts from last year, a couple of months before my A&E admittance, which Neil himself "Liked"!!! |
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The first incident was a result of my living conditions, paired with my depression. I felt lonely, unloved, and uncared for, living in a flat that was run by who I can only describe as a slumlord. There was literally a giant hole in my kitchen floor that had been simply covered with lino, that I literally fell through and badly injured myself. I was stuck in the floor for hours with no hope of escape, due to my already existing disability.
Eventually, I forced myself through the pain and rose myself to ground level again. However, the landlord refused to fix the hole, or any other safety hazards the residency had, and so I took a long walk in the middle of the night and tried to jump from the Margate Harbour Arm, but was stopped by a concerned stranger. I then ended-up walking to Mark [Sutton]’s flat from the fear of what I had done and what I might do, and so he called an ambulance.
No Stardust required this time. I recovered quite quickly after finding a new home and being put into therapy.
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Attempt number two came shortly after my legal Carer and friend, Matt, sexually assaulted me in my own home. Someone who I had entrusted with my day-to-day care and was literally being paid Carer’s Allowance and who I was developing feelings for but had rejected when he invited me to get physical had betrayed my trust, and in the safety of my own home, no less. The police could do nothing due to a “his-word-against-yours” scenario and a lack of evidence, so I swallowed all the prescription pain killers that I had, took my dictation machine, recorded several (apparently one was not enough) “suicide notes” in audio form, and waited for my end…
[If you have the strength to listen to it, I have uploaded my "suicide notes" audio files from my dictation machine. They are very emotional - obviously - but also kind-of amusing in places and have heart-felt messages to friends and family. I also thought it might be useful for students and professionals in the mental health industry, as a case study.]
However, I was not going to leave this world without watching or listening to (I cannot recall which it was) Stardust “one last time”, and it was in doing so that, during my viewing of the film or listening of the book, I was suddenly overcome with a desire to LIVE. “Why am I doing this?” and “I haven’t found True Love yet!” were some of the thoughts that passed through my head, as I promptly reached for the telephone and dialled the emergency services for help.
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| "Not good enough" is an ongoing theme in my attempts on my life, sadly. This was written all over my pillow at some point in the past. |
In the ambulance, I listened to Stardust on my mobile telephone (thank you, Audible purchase from long, long ago…). At the time, I was mute, shaking and in tears. The rules of the ambulance stated no phones, audio devices, etc, but my reaction (I think it can best be described as a “temper tantrum”) when they tried to take away my Stardust led them to make an exception…
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After arrival at the hospital, my friends Mark and Kirsty provided me with a cuddly teddy, and my father provided me with my Stardust graphic novel (that I earlier mentioned owning). I took them with me everywhere in the hospital, holding on to them tightly and never letting go, and reading the book (to my teddy, of course) at every chance I could, when I was not sleeping.
It was a weekend, so the hospital was absolutely full and I had to wait for many hours to be seen to, sitting in a chair, with no pain killers (for obvious reasons) to help ease my knees, no pillow for my head, and no one to keep me company, except for my teddy Tiny Tigress, and Neil Gaiman (in spirit). I was terrified, alone (my father went home to London at my mother’s request, and my housemates had work so could not stay), and in constant pain.
Eventually, I did receive a bed, and read myself Stardust to help me sleep in this strange and scary place… After more than twenty-four hours of observation, therapy and general detox, my teddy, Neil and I were sent home.
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Fast-forward eight months, and here I am, writing this. It seems like so, so much longer ago, and so much has happened since, in such a short space of time. I have a new home, a husband***, I have made new friends, and I am no longer receiving regular therapy as I have been discharged. I still have bad days, of course, but I am alive, and that is the only thing that truly, truly matters. Plus, of course, I have found my True Love, just like Tristran and Evain in the book and film that I love so much (only with less witches, pirates, unicorns and talking trees, sadly).
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| My husband Robert-James and I, the day that we got married***, three months ago. |
I dry another (happy) tear whilst I type this, hoping that I will have the strength to never reach such a dark place in my life again, but knowing that Stardust will always be there for me, no matter what, and will help me through, come rain or shine. From the very bottom of my heart and soul, Neil Gaiman, I thank you for that.
Finally, I wish to also extend special thanks to the entire cast and crew of the Stardust film. There are simply far too many to list (I will still list loads!), but it stars Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert De Niro, Ricky Gervais, Peter O'Toole [rest in peace…], Mark Strong, Jason Flemyng, Ben Barnes and Kate Magowan, was directed by MatthewVaughn, and co-written by the director [Vaughn] and Jane Goldman. They, too, are also much responsible for my recovery from my darkest times, and for helping me every time that I am sad.
… Just please don’t make a sequel.
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| My newest Neil Gaiman delivery. A comic book! |
NB/Author Note: This Blog Post was finalised on May 05th 2017, having begun composition in December of 2015.
* If you are confused, please begin by reading my first Blog Post, which explains the circumstances behind my age.
** * It is believed that the imagination is a skill that one develops as a child, interacting with other youths and the world around you, which of course is some thing that I have little-to-no experience with.
*** To be discussed at a later date in a future Post.
