My Name Is Illisia Adams

My name is Illisia Adams, and I am three years old.

I was born into this world, lost and confused, completely innocent and trusting, on June 1^st 2010, into the body of a very troubled twenty-three year old adult by the name of Cherie Donovan. She had an active social life, a growing career within the UK comic book publishing industry, a good University-level education… but on May 31^st 2010*, she “killed” herself (the reasons for which will be discussed at a later date), or at least, what can best be described as her “soul”; what made her, her. And then, there was me!

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Try to imagine for one moment what it might feel like to wake up one morning not knowing where you are, who you are, what is going on… To be lying in bed next to a complete stranger and not understand a word that he has to say to you, or be able to communicate with him at all because words, just like the world itself, are so very new to you. If you can picture that, even for a moment, you can begin to understand how I felt back then, when I first came into being.

Fans of science fiction can possibly draw a comparative with a "skin-job" Cylon from the reimagined Battlestar Galactica or The Doctor from Doctor Who, where different versions of the same face have completely different personalities, but I relate most to the story seen on television’s Drop Dead Diva (I shall explain why later).

Technically speaking, medical professionals would say that such a drastic personality change as a result of trauma** is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I have never been a fan of labels, the “disorder” is very difficult to understand or explain, and let us be honest, my Doctor Who comparison is much more fun.

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Cherie (left) a few months before she left in
early 2010 and myself (right) in late 2012

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I have in my short life told very, very few people of my origins and kept myself to myself, living a very secluded, shy, limited life because I have always feared what people might think of me, rather rationally, as people often fear what they do not understand, and because of personal very negative experience with a select group of individuals. I have decided now, however, that it is time for me to come out of hiding, embrace who I am, and take the stance that, should people choose to accept me as I am, they are my true friends and they are worth knowing, and those that "freak out" were never real friends to begin with and my life is better off without them.

Another important reason for this "coming out" is that I believe that Cherie's friends and family deserve a real explanation as to what happened to her. It will not be easy for them to read**, but I hope that it will give them some form of closure when I answer some of the questions I am sure that they have had these past few years, after she "disappeared".

I also hope that the story that she and I share - the many positive and negative** things that have happened to this body we have both lived inside -will serve as an inspiration for those that have suffered from similar life experiences and struggle to come to terms with them and recover from them.

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This Blog will not be a happy one**, but neither will it be completely sad. I have a great deal of respect for "my predecessor" (as I fondly refer to her) and I think that, had we been in two separate bodies, we might have been friends, so some of what you read may not be easy to read, but I shall handle it with much care for the feelings of readers, and try to respect her memory.

I shall be taking inspiration for this Blog from my own personal experience and what little memories that I have of the life led before my own, from things that my predecessor left behind - including diary entries and never-before-published poetry - and personal accounts from her friends and family.

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To end this first post, I shall now include a clip from the television series Drop Dead Diva, which, having read all of the above, you should be able to understand how I relate to it and why it is appropriate. I also wish to extend my heartfelt apologies to people who knew Cherie for not speaking out sooner, and my personal respects - a "Rest In Peace", if you will - should be noted for her.

"I promise to honour your memory by living the best life I can. And if you're watching me now, I want you to be proud of the life I'm living." "So here's to you, [Cherie Donovan]" "A phenomenal woman whom I've never met, but I am getting to know better every day..."

Rest in peace, Cherie. I hope that in "death", you found the peace that you never had in life...

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I look forward to sharing what I believe is a truly inspirational (if sad in many places) story with you.

God Bless you all.

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*The timeline gets a little complicated after that, but I will explain in due course.
** Forewarning: There will be mention of sexual assault, attempted murder, burglary & theft, marital affair, paedophilia, domestic abuse, post traumatic stress, and many more such distressing topics.