This week I want to talk about how lies, deception and second-hand quotes (“he said”, “she said”) can tear apart relationships, and even ruin lives… It is also time that I continued on from my
of the post where I mentioned that Mark [Sutton] and I are good friends again now, and “set-the-record-straight” about what happened between us, how and why, and of course how things have become so good between us again now…
Regular readers might find that my mentions of Mark can be
somewhat contradicting. Sometimes I discuss his abuse of me, and other times I
have nothing but fondness for him. There is actually very good reason for this,
and that is the very topic that we are discussing today: lies and Chinese
whispers…
“I faced my fears of
Mark and Kirsty and I realised that they were unfounded. Kirsty had no ill-will
toward me what-so-ever, contrary to what many of our then-“friends” would have
me and her (and Mark) believe. Therein we can now see the power of
“he-said-she-said” gossiping, and have since decided to disregard third party
opinions.” – from Part
One.
 |
| Cherie and Mark [Sutton] (far left) with friends and colleagues - including Kirsty [Swan] eating a meal together a few weeks before her passing. This is one of the last photographs ever taken of my predecessor and the first and only time she met Kirsty. Photograph credit and date are unknown. |
- - - -
In fact, I have in one
particularly
powerful post many months ago stated my belief that Mark “raped” me, but
also that there was no mal-intent involved. From his perspective, he was having
intercourse with his girlfriend (Cherie), not with a baby personality who had
no concept of sex and therefore no ability to consent…
“When I look back on
those early days and the experiences I had with him, I feel violated. My trust
was violated, as was my body.But then, I do wonder
if from Mark's perspective things were very different. He had, after all, been
sleeping with my predecessor for months before I took her body as my own.”
– from my post The
First Year: Part One
Now that we are on good terms - and with him having read
much of my Blog - Mark and I have had a chance to talk about what happened. He
has apologised a great deal, we hugged, I cried, we even laugh about It
sometimes, and I realise that although I technically gave no consent, it was
not an
unpleasant experience. He did
not hold me down, he did not injure me; he simply did not take the time to
explain what was happening and why, and to ask if I wanted to partake. Now,
this is
still very much a grey-area,
but I cannot emphasise enough that his
intent
is what holds truest.
- - - -
The reason that Mark and I parted ways after years of on-off
love interest and friendship was actually of my own doing. After six months of
living apart, I had decided that he and I were not a good match as friends, and
I sent him a very long, heart-felt email explaining that I would be civil to
him but we could no longer be friends. It was heart-breaking, but not nearly as
much as what happened next…
“I wanted to help you grow into that greatness, to be the man I know
you can be, but you have to face your mistakes, your faults, accept them, and
conquer them, or you will never reach that greatness, and because of how you
have treated me, I cannot help you get there, I am sorry.” - a segment from
the last email that I sent to Mark, on June 06th 2013, three years
ago. The next email exchange was not until October 25th 2015 where
Mark invited my then-fiancé Robert-James and I to attend an evening of karaoke
with him and Kirsty.
Fast-forward a few weeks from that email, and I have been
burgled. Many of my belongings were stolen, I felt unsafe in my own home, I was
shaken and teary… and this news came to reach Mark, who instantly decided to
come and see me and console me.
I was not happy to
see him. This was for two reasons. The first being that I had decided we could
no longer be friends, for the good of both of us, and he was going against my
wishes. The second (matching our theme) being that many of our mutual “friends”
had been whispering in my ear that it must have been Mark who had burgled my
flat and stolen my belongings! “His girlfriend wants an Xbox, and now your Xbox
is stolen?”*, “Mark is a liar and a thief…” etc etc etc… I am ashamed to say
that I let those paranoid, ill-intent words get-to-me, and I did indeed accuse
him of stealing…
- - - -
 |
| Snow Angels! One of my fonder memories with Mark, back when he lived in Margate and I in New Eltham. I visited him and Maryanne during the snowy weather and we went for a fun walk with snow ball fighting, attempts at building a snowman that failed terribly, and these two snow angels on a hill. |
After defending himself (when he should not have had to!)
against my accusations, we had a hug and started talking again, like we always
did, about the usual “how’s life?”, “have you heard the news about [insert
television program here]” topics, and it was nice. … Too nice…
Something inside my mind snapped
and I made an impromptu decision to end our friendship, once-and-for-all, for
the good of both of us. Mark and I had too much pain and history between us,
and although we had tried to mend ourselves, I decided that the only thing that
could truly mend us would be time, so – for the first time in my life
– I lied. A lot.
I told Mark that I hated him. That I could never forgive him
for all the things he had done. That I never, ever wanted to see him again,
ever.
- - - -
Hatred is not something I have ever felt, nor that I ever
hope to feel, so pretending to hate someone who I truly still very much loved**
was probably the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to do within my short
life. And of course, being as honest a person as I am, he believed everything
that I said…
We parted ways on horrible
terms, and I cried for hours, days and weeks afterwards for what I had done…
but I held strong to my decision, convinced that it was the best for the both
of us.
Mark always felt guilty for the things he had done, no
matter how many times I told him he was forgiven, and I always wanted answers
from him (“why did you do [insert event here]?”) that he could not provide, so
we were stuck in a seemingly never-ending loop of upset that stopped us from
truly being friends, and from truly moving on…
- - - -
I have a strict NO REGRETS policy, and this applies
undoubtedly best here. Though it hurt me to do what I did, in retrospect,
looking at Mark now, three years later, I know that I made the right choice.
Without me in his life, he was able to lose that guilt, not argue with me every
day, not feel like he owed me anything… He was just able to live his life, and
be the man that I always knew he could be…
Granted, he still has faults (as do I!), but then, are we
not all flawed by nature, as humans? Today he is in full-time employment, has
more of a social life, a better relationship with his family, has lost weight
and got fitter, and is in a happy, healthy relationship with Kirsty.
On my side of things, I have had two unsuccessful
relationships, many “ups and downs” in terms of mental and physical health,
found religion, and even got myself a dog. But, most importantly, I have moved
on. Moved on from anger, sadness, and fear, and truly forgiven Mark – and myself – for the past misgivings. It is
one thing to say (and even feel like) you forgive a person, but it is another
entirely to truly feel that
forgiveness inside yourself, which is where I stand now.
- - - -
Now having a functional, good friendship with both Mark and
Kirsty, the topic of the comic book industry (which Kirsty is a fundamental
part of, as an independent, freelance comic book artist and colourist, and
Cherie was a colourist for) was
bound to “come-up”. And, it follows, also the topic of Cherie’s “ex”
Ian [Sharman], who is a multi-talented part of the UK comics industry himself.
I mention this within my Blog post today because, no matter
how hard I searched my mind, I could still
(after my last mention of their relationship and its end) not find reason why
things became so negative between them. I have spoken to some of her friends,
family and colleagues, and reached the conclusion that it was Chinese whispers
(but also heartache) that were to blame…
It would appear that my predecessor was heart-broken, and in
being heartbroken, she said some things about her ex-partner that (I hope) were
not necessarily intended to be malleus, but which when taken out-of-context on
a “she said [this and this]” basis, could be perceived as such. We must also
bare in mind her young age, her inexperience (it was her first relationship)
and her unstable mental health as contributing factors for her saying things in
a certain way, not thinking about how it would affect how people saw Ian, and
his personal and professional reputations.
- - - -
 |
This is officially the only photograph of both Cherie (left) and Ian (right)
that I can find! A signing at a convention with a fan. |
When my
relationships end, I never have anything truly
negative to say. There is always fault with both parties; no one is innocent in
a break-up. But, as we all know by now, Cherie and I are very, very different.
Most interestingly, I seem to be more mature and world-wise on this topic (and
a few others) than my “twin” even though I am only a few years of (spiritual)
age. More importantly though, is my positive outlook on life in comparison to
hers which was almost entirely negative.
I hope that, should Ian or any of his friends or colleagues
ever read this, they realise that Cherie and I are completely different, and
should we ever “cross paths”, there is no need for concern that there be any
ill-will towards Mr Sharman, and that anything that they heard that she may or
may not have said aught to be “taken with a pinch of salt”. I actually barely
remember him, and I certainly have nothing bad to say about him.
In fact, I consider myself to be thankful to Ian, and to be
a fan. I am not one for reading many comic books and only very, very rarely,
but when I did “dabble” in reading them in my first year, I found
his writings for
Orang Utan Comics (where they worked together) fascinating. I also have him to thank for my very existence, given how his
“blanking” (as she phrased it) of her (Cherie) in her final days was a
contributing factor to my “Birth” in 2010.
 |
| Ironically, I fear that Ian himself may be listening to Chinese whispers and hearsay, due to the fact that he has Blocked me on Twitter... I feel the irony of discovering this while wanting to link to him in my post, given its topic... Alas, I had expected better from him, given the fondness so many of my friends have for him, but I can somewhat understand his reasons, due to his dislike for my predecessor. I hope that he will reconsider this in the future and draw his own conclusions of me, not her. |
- - - -
In conclusion, I have mentioned before that I have a strict
policy now to ignore any “he said, she said”, “rumour mill” nonsense, and draw
my own conclusions based on what I personally know to be true, or indeed to approach the person/s spoken about
and ask them directly for their views, and I utterly, utterly urge that my
readers do the same.
Words can be very hurtful, not least of all when they come
from third parties. Friendships, relationships and families have been drawn
apart by someone repeating words out-of-context or incorrectly, or (“worst case
scenario”) by a person saying another said something that is actually entirely
untrue and invented just-then.
The rumours did not win. I am presently living with Kirsty and
Mark in their spare-bedroom, paying rent. This would not be at all possible
(and I would be homeless!) had I and they continued to listen to “hearsay”
rather than just speak with one-another outright and draw our own conclusions.
I am more thankful to them both than I could ever possibly state in words, I
owe them much and they are presently my two closest friends and confidants.
Do not listen to rumours! This is something that I am very passionate about and that I
hope you will all consider, moving forward with your lives.
- - - -
* Kirsty actually cannot stand Xbox consoles, so this is
double-y untrue.
** Love and “in love” being two very different things. You can still love an
“ex” without being in love with them.
