I have spoken in prior entries about
my time incaptivity, and how I returned to my capture after I escaped and
remained on-off romantically involved and friends with him for years,
against my better judgement. Now I must speak out about
why.
It is clear that I
suffer from
Stockholm Syndrome, where one becomes attached to one's
capture after such an experience. However, there is more to it than
that. I am also a love addict, a person who becomes so obsessed with
and addicted to the euphoria (or “high”) associated with love,
that I would do practically anything to please a person who shows me
affection, and I suffer very negatively if I am not in a romantic
relationship.
- - - -
I have always been a
person who is very dedicated to her friends, her family, and her
romantic partner(s). What I have discovered, however, is that I
prioritise other's happiness before my own and any form of rejection
or time away from the people that I care about causes me to suffer
from withdrawal symptoms.
Love addiction is
usually limited to
romantic love, but mine is one of the rarer cases that extends to the
love experienced through friends and family.
- - - -
When I first moved to
Margate several years ago, I learned through third parties that two
of my closest friends – one of which I had developed a romantic
attachment to, but decided to not become involved
with* - had got married and been through a pregnancy, all without
informing me and without inviting me to their service, etc. This was
utterly heart-breaking for me. I felt betrayed, and unloved.****
During the same week
that I discovered this, I was also sorting through many of my
predecessor's belongings and discovered a signed Lexx DVD addressed
to Lorraine (my sister), Cherie (my twin/doppelganger) and Hannah (my
mother). I was aware that my mother was a fan of the show, and that
because of Cherie having passed on and Lorraine having moved to the
US, having such an item might be something that my mother could
cherish, so I called her and attempted to discuss an exchange.
Unfortunately, my
mother has some mental problems of her own, and this has meant that
accepting me has always been a difficulty for her. As such, the
telephone conversation ended very abruptly with her insisting that
she never wanted to speak to me again, that I was not her daughter,
and in her “hanging up on me”.
- - - -
 |
| Myself and my ferrets Rambo, Luna and Hatti |
The combination of both
these experiences - along with the fact that I was single at that
time - was too much for my heart to bare, and I fell into severe
withdrawal and depression. I spent the next three months barely
eating, sleeping, leaving my residency, interacting with my
house-mate (Mark [Sutton]), or even speaking.
I some times suffer
from a mental-physical disorder known as Selective Mutism* which
reacts to extreme stress or some times even social situations by
tightening my throat to the point where it cannot produce sound.
In fact, I did not
speak a word for the entirety of those three months, and the only
thing that made my voice return was when I decided to take in two
ferrets into my home, who I developed a bond with, therefore
returning my heart to a positive place where I felt loved, and felt
my own love appreciated by others, hence my throat un-tightened and I
was able to speak, and after some time, I was able to smile and be
happy again.
- - - -
Fast-forward three
years, and I have been in two relationships since then (including
returning to the unhealthy relationship with Mark). Both times, I
think that I chose to be with the men that I was with, not because
they were good men and we had chemistry, etc, but rather because of
my need to be with someone.
Mark was definitely not a
good idea, but I lived with him, so he was convenient. In contrast,
my second partner Matthew [B] was a good man who actually “saved
me”** from the abuse of Mark. As romantic as being whisked off your
feet and saved from abuse like a “damsel in distress” is, it also
meant that the relationship started very abruptly, rather than being
allowed to progress naturally, over time, which is not very healthy.
 |
Matthew and I at the Manston International Air Show together.
You can really see how in-love I was in this photograph! |
I met Matthew shortly
after Mark attempted to strangle me*. When he did so, I told Mark that
enough-was-enough, I still loved him, but that I could never, ever be
with some one that had done such a thing to me. It was difficult to
let him go, especially given my love addiction (although I did not
know at the time that I had this problem), but I had to be strong.
I did not tell any of
my friends or family what had happened with Mark, as I felt obliged
to keep quiet about it due to the fact that he had never before been
violent towards me and the strangulation was so out-of-character that
I did not want him to be judged by it. When I met Matthew, however, I
felt the need to escape from my own home, where Mark also resided,
and broke down into tears in his arms, telling him about the
near-death experience that I had had with my house-mate. It was at
this point that he insisted that he would not let me go home alone,
and as the weeks passed, he even offered to help fund my moving to a
different residency, to support me going to the police, or any thing
else that I needed to escape my abuser. How could I not fall
in love with such a saviour; love addict or not?!
- - - -
Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love music video.
The lyrics sum up the experience of love addiction rather well.
- - - -
Matthew and I were
together for one-and-a-half years*** and – as with any normal
relationship – we had our “ups and downs”. Looking back in
retrospect on the break-up, it is hard to even remember why or how it
happened. When we talk about it, we both remember things very
differently, and I am not sure that either of us is “right”. I
think that we were both just going through some rough things in our
lives and being in a relationship was just not practical. There was a
huge fight with yelling and snapping and slamming of doors and
neither of us can even remember much of it.
We have been apart for
more than a year now, and we have both evolved as people, separately.
We are on good terms again after several months of arguing and/or not
speaking, and we have both commented to each other about the positive
changes that we are noticing in one another.
As tempting as it is to
return to a relationship with him again, I have been honest with
myself - and with him - and realised that I need to take my time and
not put any “labels” or pressure on the idea at all, letting any
thing that happens, just, happen, naturally. It has meant having to
actually restrain myself from allowing us to go on any dates and to
try not to hold hands or kiss, though, because those things are all
far too addictive for me.
There are other
gentlemen who have also shown interest in me, or whom I am also
feeling a “spark” with, but again, I have been honest with myself
and with them and insisted that I need to give myself the time to
feel real feelings for whoever I develop those feelings for,
rather than just grabbing on to the first man that shows me affection
and being with them, for the sake of being with them; for the
addictive feeling of being in love, and being loved.
- - - -
 |
Myself and friends at my first public appearance as a single person:
Sci-Fi By The Sequel, a convention held in Herne Bay.
I went on a few dates with Jon - the gentleman in the center - soon after. |
Last year I dabbled in
“casual dating”, but it was far too intense for me. I was getting
very attached, very quickly, and suffering from serious depression
and withdrawal whenever I was not on a date, holding hands or
kissing. I also unfortunately suffered at the hands of a mild sexual
assault by one of the men who was interested in me*, having allowed
myself to trust him more than I should have, which has been a major
set-back for me.
So, for the time being,
I am remaining “single”, but also refraining from dates and
intimacy, etc, because I want to be able to function healthily on my
own, before I can be comfortable functioning healthily as part of a
pairing.
- - - -
NB: Cherie was not a sufferer of love addiction, interestingly enough.
- - - -
For more information
about love addiction, here are some links.
- - - -
* This will be
discussed at a later date.
** This is how I
describe it when I talk about what happened
*** Which is quite
literally half of my life!
**** It should be noted that I am very happy for them and we are good friends again, now.
