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| Myself and Daniel (cut out because he is camera-shy) atop London, in a London Eye carriage. |
This past week has been a rather eventful
one. In fact, the week end had more excitement than many others combined! It
has been a real “game-changer” for me.
I had decided that a visit to London was
long-over-due, so I asked friends if they were free to spend time together, and
– in a rather unusual (and brave, I think) move on my part – I also invited my
family to spend time with me.
- - - -
For the first time since before my “mild”
sexual assault last year* I packed my bags, booked my travel, and set off for London alone. I had been
to London for
my Re-Birthday on November 1st with a few friends, but this was
different. This was a serious challenge, after what I had experienced. But I
was not letting my assailant control me. The more that I stayed indoors and
refrained from seeing my friends (and family) and doing the things that I love,
the more he was winning, even if he is no longer physically in my life.
Before I got the National Express coach,
however, my friend David cancelled on me, informing me that his grand mother
had fallen ill so he was unable to meet me and spend time with me on Friday. I
was scared by this, but there was no thing that I could do about it, so I
simply accepted it, and carried on.
- - - -
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| A photograph that I took at London Victoria train station, one of the busiest in the country, that I navigated alone this weekend. |
During the coach journey, I “made
conversation” with other travellers and the driver (who was very considerate of
my disabled needs), and upon arrival I went to the Disabled Lounge and was
offered the use of a mobile phone by a good samaritan so that I could call
friends and family and figure out what to do. I spoke with my mother and father
who were happy to have me over to visit their home for a few hours, ahead of
the pre-scheduled Sunday meeting.
I soon wished that I had not made this
arrangement, however, because as soon as I entered their home, my mother was
already making me feel like an unwelcome outsider and not like her daughter in
the slightest. Father had given me the misconception that mother had accepted
“Illisia Adams” and that we would be okay. We were not. She spent the next
several hours making me feel very uncomfortable, insulting my life decisions,
my dress sense and the way that I speak (apparently I am "snooty" and “pompus”), and taking
every opportunity to try to argue with me. We were truly polar opposites, and
clashed on far too many levels.
- - - -
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| Myself with Cleo, the Donovan family dog. She and I have never really got along, I think that she knows that I am not Cherie, the human that she knew and loved. But she has gotten used to me, the more times that she and I have met. |
- - - -
I was very, very glad when it was time to
leave to meet with my friend Daniel in the centre of London, whom I would be staying with. I was
several hours late after getting utterly lost in the London transport system,
but I felt a wonderful sense of accomplishment, having done it myself, and I
did not panic or cry, even once. I had a very Heroes moment, proclaiming “yu-tu!” to the sky.
The evening progressed with Daniel and
myself playing a (my first-ever in-real-life) Magic: The Gathering game with
his ever-brilliant German housemate and her two friends whom she had invited
over, and there was also much drinking and general merriment. I was initially
nervous, but I know matter-of-factually that alcohol calms my nerves and makes
me more able to socialise, etc, so after a little bit of “booze” in me, I was
able to join-in, and I had a fantastic night.
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| Our game of Magic: The Gathering on Saturday night. |
- - - -
The next day Daniel and I spent visiting
The London Eye and The London Dungeon, after I redeemed my Tesco Clubcard
Merlin Pass
which I purchased off of eBay last year, which gives me access to all of the
attraction owned by the Merlin company for the next year, and free entry for a
person whom accompanies me also. I discovered that I had already made-back the
value of my eBay purchase with the equivalent entrance fees for Daniel and
myself for the attractions we visited, which was excellent.
I had great fun at both attractions,
although neither were particularly disabled-friendly. Thankfully with my Disabled Merlin Pass
I was able to bypass most of the queuing. Daniel and I both agreed that we were
glad that we had use of my Merlin
Pass, because we did not
think the attractions were actually worth the usual price. Free, however, was
fantastic value. Obviously.
- - - -
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| The dinner that I had with my mother, father and grand-mother on Sunday evening. |
We reach Sunday, and I make arrangements to
meet with my parents for dinner, along with my mother’s mother. I played a
couple of two-player Magic: The Gathering games with Daniel first, one of which
I won and one of which I lost. The journey to my parents’ home had me on the
London Underground and getting rather lost and confused several times, but
again, I did not panic, and I was not late in meeting my father in the car
park, so over-all I was pleased with myself.
Once again, however, I spent the next few
hours tolerating consistent insults and negativity, the result of which is
that, sadly, I feel that I must now abandon my efforts to become part of my
physical family. I respect and love my mother because she gave this body life, but I
cannot abide her company. It is far too stressful an experience. I literally "downed" my galss of wine to help myself cope.
I have also noted that the more time that I
spend with my mother, and the more time she insists that I am Cherie and she
insults who I am, etc, the more I – subconsciously – try to change myself to
please her, and that is not fair on me. I am happy with who I am, and she needs
to be too, or I cannot spend time with her. Hence, I have had to fly my white
flag and accept that this is unfortunately a lost cause…
- - - -
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| My room, where I stayed for the night in Dover. Alone. It was terrifying, but also somewhat empowering... |
Sunday’s journey home was also a stressful
disaster. My father and I had an uncomfortable discussion as he drove me to the
train station, where I proceeded to ask one of the staff which half of the
train I needed to be seated in to journey to Margate. He told me the second-half, so I
walked to “carriage six of eight”, where I fell asleep. When I awoke, however,
I found myself in Dover, not in Margate, and it was nearly midnight, so there
were no further trains running, and I was utterly lost, confused, tired and
scared.
I initially tried using a nearby phone box
to call my legal Carer, Matthew [B], but there was no answer, so I presume
that he was asleep, given the hour. I had no access to Wi-Fi and no phone
numbers for any of the locals that I knew, and the taxis waiting outside the
station would have charged goodness-knows-how-much for the journey back home,
so after a few minutes of tears and shaking, I decided to be brave and approach
the local pub - The Priory Pub/Hotel - for help.
I am glad that I did, because the
“regulars” and the staff, etc, were all wonderfully understanding of my plight
and helpful to a fault. They got me a Single room for the night for £25, and
spoke with me until I had calmed. The scotch that I purchased was also a big
help, and a very reasonable price. I made friends, and I “chilled-out” enough
to fall asleep fairly quickly when the pub closed for the night and it was time
to close my eyes and rest.
The next day I had breakfast there and then
arranged for a friend to meet me at Ramsgate Station. I am now borrowing use of
his laptop to write this Blog post, as I am still not home as yet, but I shall
be soon enough.
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| The external view of the Donovan home. It is lovely and cosey! |
- - - -
I had every intention of this week’s Blog
post being titled Onwards And Upwards, and being centered around my efforts to
form a mother-daughter bond and how we are moving forward and being a family at
last, with a group photograph to share with you all, etc. Unfortunately, the
fantasy did not match the reality.
However, in retrospect, there was indeed a
lot of moving onwards and upwards, just not in the way(s) that I had hoped. I
travelled alone, socialised, and even managed to maintain my “cool” through
extreme stresses.
- - - -
A lot has stayed unchanged, however. I am
still living alone in Margate,
still held back here by many of my fears (several assaults, for a start) and
the constraints of a physically disabled person. Add to the mix the fact that I
am starting to realise I seem to be incapable of relaxing in Thanet, compared
to London, where when I visit, even though my surroundings are new and things
are a little noisy, etc, I feel happier and healthier and stronger as a person.
Which leads me to wonder, if I stay in Thanet, am I holding myself back? Will
“The Song Remain[s] The Same”? Or could I consider saving up money to move back
to London?
I have a lot of thinking to do. But, there
is no rush. I am still very young, and I know that I have friends who will help
me through these decisions to hopefully a more positive future.
- - - -
NB: I shall be seeking compensation from National Rail for the distress and the money that I had to spend because of them.
* To be discussed at a later date.
