I have had to do a lot of really intense, somewhat depressing writing lately, but none of it has been for my Blog. It has been several months, and a lot has happened, so it is going to take some time to catch-you-up, my readers, but I shall try my best.
First-things-first, I want to direct you to the final part
of one of my most recent posts, wherein I state “I am going to start by taking some space to try to find myself again,as a single, independent woman.”, and I must now confess that this independent,
empowered single woman stance did not last long at all.
After a year of longing looks, almost-kisses,
want-to-but-can’t moments, myself and one Douglas [Parkinson] “DTRd” (defined
the relationship) and decided to officially date.
Robert knew full-well that I did not love him, and that I
may never love him again, but he wanted to take that chance because he wanted me, and I of course took the chance
because of my medical condition, love addiction. I did not love Douglas at the
time, as we had only known one-another a couple-of-months, but the potential
was definitely there.
In an alternative reality, I said no to Robert and Douglas
and I have been together for a year and are very happy… But, as-is, we are
happy as an “us”, but not-so-happy with dealing with my thousands of pounds
worth of debt, impending homelessness, multiple Court dates, a dog I cannot
care for correctly, and goodness-knows-what-else. Hopefully sometime-soon those
“post-RJ” issues will be dealt with and we can be a normal[ish] couple.
So, what makes Douglas so special? And why is this Blog post
not addressed to him, but rather a
different man entirely, named Daniel? Well, because I have reached a
realisation in my romantic life, and that realisation is this:
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| Myself and Daniel at The London Eye... minus the Daniel, because he is camera-shy, and to preserve his identity. |
Daniel and I met at a convention back in 2010 and have been
friends ever since. We talk often, and meet-up a couple-of-times a year. But,
although we have always had that certain “spark”, nothing has ever come of it,
because I moved to Thanet, and he still lives in London, which, when paired
with the fact that I am never single for long, means we never did more than
hold hands, laugh and hug.
We have talked about “us” a few times, and talked about the
temptation of it, but he has told me that it was “not the right time” as I was
still recovering from a bad relationship, for instance. He and I even slept
side-by-side on several occasions, and he was always a complete gentleman. We
would later jest about how it was tempting to do more, but we never did…
Daniel was the first man I ever fell-in-love with, as me. I had feelings for Mark before then,
but they were “residue feelings”, as I call them, left-over from Cherie’s life.
Those feelings past in to memory as I moved to Thanet, and
as I fell for other men, but my love for him never faded, and, in retrospect, I
was always thinking of him, always wondering about how we would eventually
end-up-together, one-way-or-another; how these men I was with in-the-meanwhile
were simply… not-Daniel.
Fast-forward seven years, and I make the biggest mistake of
my life. I “marry” one Robert-James Brazier; taking him back in to my life
after he already ruined it once. At-the-time, Daniel and I were still speaking
often enough, every month-or-so, sometimes weekly, sometimes daily, but then
suddenly, the messages stopped… Is it a coincidence that I “married” Robert and
Daniel then stopped speaking with me? I am not sure if I will ever know,
because, eleven months later, he has still not spoken a word to me, though I
have messaged him many times (not too often, though, to give him space) telling
him how I miss him and can we meet-up(?), etc.
Now I am with Douglas, I find myself messaging Daniel again,
and am saddened to find that he has “un-friended” me on Facebook, cutting all
ties with me. My heart sunk… but it did not break. I expected it to break, but
it did not. This, I shortly thereafter realised, was because Douglas is not
just another “not-Daniel”. He is Douglas.
I have actually mentioned Douglas several times on this Blog
before, but never by name. He is the man who I was falling for who caused
jealousy in Robert, and whom I was thinking about as my stomach ached with
worry on my “wedding night”…
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| Douglas and myself, posing for the camera for a "couple shot". It occured to me that I very rarely get in-front of the camera, let-alone with other people, and that I have very few photographs with the people I love, so I specifically asked that we take this :-) |
“When he held my hand and asked me if I was ready, I was thinking “no” but saying “yes”. Worst of all, I wanted him to be someone else. I was thinking about being with someone else and asking myself if I was giving myself to the wrong guy.” - My Ex-Life And Me: What Defines Me? (The Consequences Of A Rash Choice: Part Two)
I actually always thought that Daniel would be my first. We
even talked about it a couple-of-times. He, too, was a virgin (I have no idea
about now, but he was then), and there was just something really old-fashioned,
romantic and wonderful about two inexperienced people with a connection
deciding to “take that leap” together, experiencing that first time, together.
I even had several occasions where I went to London with that very thought and
indeed purpose in my mind, determined
I would take-the-lead with us, but then I thought twice about it.
No man has ever treated me with the respect, understanding
and kindness that Daniel always did, until now. I never felt like a sexual
object, I was always able to be myself without fear of being judged. I felt
safe with him. Comfortable. I never thought any man would ever give me that,
other-than him, but then I met Douglas.
Interestingly enough, for brief periods of time, the thought
had crossed my mind that they were both homosexual, and that that is why they
were so wonderful to me. But, no, it really is
just a case of the fact that not all men treat women like objects. It was a
rather backwards, sexist conclusion to draw, and for that, I must apologise to
all the men out there. I guess that I have unintentionally drawn this conclusion
from years of negative experience, but, in retrospect, I now realise the error
of this. There are good men out there
that are perfectly straight. [And, as my recent experiences have taught me,
being gay does not automatically make you nice, given how one of my cyber
bullies is].
I shall likely give Douglas his own, dedicated Blog post so that I can tell you all more about him, but for now, I want to leave you with this:
“Illi-ism #2: Never settle.True love exists, do not be with someone because you are lonely and NEED to be with someone, be with them because you WANT to be with them.”
Time and time again I have ignored my own advice, my own “Illi-ism”**,
and settled. That is not to say that the men I partnered with were bad, but
they were bad for me. We were bad for
each-other. And, although it might
have seemed, for a time, like I was happy with each of those men, I can see now
that I was not. Not really. I was comparing them too much to Daniel, who had (unintentionally)
set such a high standard for me, and even if I had never met Daniel, if Daniel
were never a factor, I think that happiness was not possible with those individuals.
But, now, with Douglas, when people ask me how I am, although I am incredibly
overwhelmed with debts, impending homelessness, court dates, poverty (barely
eating most days), and goodness-knows-what-else in the wake of my failed “marriage”
to Robert, I find myself smiling, and replying that, “yes”, I am, indeed,
happy.
I cannot, in fact, remember ever having felt as happy as I
am with Douglas, ever before. Not even with Daniel, when he and I holidayed
together for his Birthday a few years ago and saw the Formula 3 live together!
That was an amazing experience, and I was, indeed, happy, but the weight of my
worries was still, nonetheless, wearing me down, whereas now I find that, no
matter what I am going-through, it will all be okay, because I have my “Diggy”*
by my side.
What makes it all-the-more wonderful, is that I make him
happy, too. It has always been a concern of mine, that I am sometimes a burden
to whom ever I partner with, and they have often told me that it is, but I
think that Douglas and I both have our problems and we both help each-other
through them, and we are stronger together, than apart.
He is not Daniel, but that is okay. It is more than okay.
Daniel will always have a place in my heart, and I will always miss him dearly
as a friend, and as someone who was my first love, but Douglas has set a new
standard for what it means to love, and to be loved.
Thank you, Daniel, wherever you are, for all the wonderful
memories. I will truly cherish them. But, although a part of me will sometimes
wonder “what if?”, I hold true to me number one Illi-ism**: “No regrets. Ever.” Because if I had had the courage to be with you,
I would not today be with Douglas.
And to the other gentleman whom I have loved before now, I
thank you for the memories, good and bad, because they led me to where I am
today. Damaged, but not broken. Unwell, but alive.
Life is a funny thing, isn’t it?
* (A nickname/handle for Douglas, that was actually given to
him by some of my viewers on my YouTube Channel during one of my twenty-four-hour
charity live streams)
** You can read all of my "Illi-isms" here.
** You can read all of my "Illi-isms" here.
