 |
I made Cherie's New Eltham flat feel like a home. Here you can see her impressive DVD collection
that was left to me, and how I showcased family memorabilia to remind me of my roots. |
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Mark pleaded with me to take him back, but I told him that our
relationship was never real, that it was based on lies, deception and
feelings that were never truly mine. I insisted that if he truly
wanted to be with me, he would have to tell Maryanne the truth about
his no longer being in love with her, end their engagement, and then
get-to-know me for me, not
just wanting me because I have the face of the woman he cared for,
but because he wants me.
- -
- -
It
was at this point that I decided to spend more time exploring who I
wanted to be, and pursue my growing feelings for Tommy-Lee by
spending more time with him. He may not have
been “my Amy Pond”,
but he was still there for me the day that I was “born” and
unlike Mark, always seemed to see
me when
he looked at me, rather than Cherie, perhaps because he and Cherie
were never romantically involved. He made me feel unique, which meant
the world to me.
I
also took the time to get-to-know Maryanne (as priorly mentioned) and
Hayley, another friend from the prior life, who became like sisters
to me. Maryanne was shy, quiet and kind, and in contrast Hayley had a
very social, perky personality and was always full of life, although
both had big, warm, open hearts. This meant that I had a chance to
see many different aspects of womanhood, of the female personality,
if-you-will, so rather than “copy” what I saw, I was able to
pick-and-choose what I liked about both my friends and use them for
inspiration as I developed myself. I owe them both much to who I am
today.
- - - -
 |
| Hayley (left) and I (right) |
-
- - -
I
still held on to Cherie's name and tried to live her life, attending
many parties hosted by her friends, playing on her Xbox 360 games
console leading her Gaming Clan into battle in her sted, trying to
get her business Dark Raven Productions off-the-ground, but after my
experience being locked away for three months in that house, I spent
less time in Dartford with the prior life, and more time in New
Eltham, developing my own.
I
would often insist that any visitors come to New Eltham to see me,
rather than me to Dartford to see them, for fear of a repeat
scenario, and I confess, because I had developed a nasty case of
agoraphobia after my captivity. This did, however, give me the
freedom to explore my predecessor's home and belongings, which made
me realise that although I shared her face, I shared very little
else. I listened to her music and wore her clothes, but found that
the clothing felt “wrong” and the music was so loud and angry
that I really disliked it.
- - - -
 |
Maryanne visiting me at my New Eltham residency, playing with the
training (plastic) sai weaponry that Cherie left there. |
-
- - -
"He often saw me, when I never could." - regarding Tommy-Lee
Tommy-Lee
and Mark both visited me and made their romantic intentions toward me
clear. Mark insisted that although he missed Cherie, he wanted to
encourage me to be my own person. I never truly believed him,
however, because he was still working with me to create Dark Raven
Productions and still encouraged me to use Cherie's name and wear her
clothing, etc. Tommy-Lee, in contrast, told me much about my
predecessor and taught me that I did not have to follow in her
footsteps, that I could develop my own tastes in music, my own style
in dress, my own hobbies and interests. He often saw me, when I never
could.
In
retrospect, I wish that I had pursued my growing feelings toward
Tommy-Lee, rather than allow the “residue feelings” for Mark to
win over me. But, I also know that one should never have any regrets.
Every decision that we make and every thing that we do in life brings
us to who we are today, so if we regret one moment of our past, we
show negativity toward who we are now, which is not the case with me.
I am very proud of who I am today, and therefore hold to no regrets.
-
- - -
 |
| Mark and I with friends at the Euro Gamer Expo 2011, shortly after I "came out" with my new name and developed personality. By this point I had chosen to be with Mark, and as you can see from this photograph, we were (relatively) happy together, although you can also see how protective/controlling he was of me, always holding on to me. |
- - - -
I
chose to pursue a relationship with Mark, even against my better
judgement, knowing full well that he had abused me. Love – even if
it is not your own* – can be a powerful blinder to the facts.
Sadly, this decision meant that Tommy-Lee and I slowly grew apart. He
moved out of the home that he shared with Mark, Maryanne and Matt,
and we have barely seen nor spoken to one another since.
I
think that the reason why I chose Mark over Tommy-Lee was a mix
between the confused passionate
love*
that my predecessor had for him as opposed to more basic feelings
that I was
developing
with time for Tommy-Lee “winning-out”, and the fact that
three months in captivity with Mark had left me suffering from withdrawal
symptoms and reliability on him that I think would be described by
mental health professionals as
Stockholm Syndrome...
-
- - -
I
am, even now, years later, still suffering from that Syndrome. There
will be days when I literally cannot stop thinking about Mark, even
if I am in love with some one else and even after he raped me and at
one point literally tried to kill me**. It is a very serious
condition that takes a lot of strength to recover from, and I am
still working towards recovery, even now.
Victims
of kidnapping and domestic abuse often suffer from this very serious
mental illness, and my heart goes out to all the men and women in the
world who are suffering with me. You can
recover. There is a
light at the end of that tunnel, even if some days that tunnel seems
to be long...
It
is like recovering from an addiction. You have to keep reminding
yourself of the bad times, rather than thinking about how good the
thing that you are addicted to made you feel, and you must persevere
against your want to return to that addiction and realise that you do
not need it to survive.
Tommy-Lee
did have a lasting effect on me, however, even after we parted ways,
because it was his guidance that led to my exploration of my sense of
self. It was he that taught me that I could be who ever that I wanted
to be, and ultimately he who encouraged me to re-vamp my wardrobe to
develop my own style, vary my intake of books, music and television
to develop my own “taste”, and, when I was ready, to abandon
Cherie's life and choose my own name.
I
may have chosen to give my heart to Mark, but the development of my
soul – what makes me, me – happened as a result of spending time
with my two “sisters” Maryanne and Hayley, and my
what-could-have-been, Tommy-Lee.
“Illisia
Adams” was born because of the love and support of these three very
special people. Only one of them now remains in my life - Maryanne -
but the other two will forever be a part of me. I (figuratively) owe
them my life.
-
- - -
*This
“love” was in fact “residue feelings” left over from my
predecessor, as priorly discussed.
**An
incident to be discussed at a later date.
NB: Interestingly enough, I can find no photographs of myself and Mark together as a couple, just-us, nor of myself and Tommy-Lee, nor or myself and Maryanne and Hayley. Although I shall of course continue looking...
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