 |
| A photograph I took of myself after I dyed my hair red and re-vamped my wardrobe so that I was more "Illi" and less "Cher". |
The circumstances for
my birth, however, are much less positive than I am. As I have
discussed priorly, it has been quite a difficult few years to start
for me, but nothing truly compares to the things that my predecessor
lived through that led her to her eventual (mental/spiritual)
“suicide”. It pains me to think about it, let alone write it, but
the least that I could do for her giving me this life is to tell her
story; even the horrific parts of it.
- - - -
Rather shockingly but
matter-of-factually, I cannot count the amount of people that
sexually assaulted Cherie on both my hands.
Examining her medical
records, reading her diary entries and speaking with her friends and
family, it is clear that from a young age (as early as three years
old), Cherie had a lot of mental problems that were a result of
physical and sexual trauma. She developed voices in her head,
multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder), and often retreated to a fantasy world rather
than face reality.
"Over the years I built mental barriers so that I could move on with my life, but that trauma was always there." - Cherie writes about her battle with mental health.
These problems carried
over into her teenage years, where she began seeing a child
psychiatrist at Highpoint
House on Shooters Hill, and continued to do so until after she
left school.
- - - -
 |
| Cherie graduating Hadlow College. |
Against all odds***,
she passed her GCSEs at Eltham Hill Technology College with the help
of a “special consideration” percentage added to all of her
scores and extra time to finish exams, and went on to study a
National Diploma in Animal Management at Hadlow College's London
Campus in Mottingham, which she also passed.
June
of 2005 was her first experience on “the convention circuit”
when she attended the London MCM Expo, “cosplayed” (costume-play)
and made many friends.
She experimented with
various professionals, from being a professional geek in the form of
a cosplayer and “booth babe” to an internet radio presenter, to
the simplicity of animal care at her local pet store. I respect that
she was able to maintain professionalism, given all of her continuing
mental problems.
It was in 2006,
however, that her life plummeted into complications when she met one
Mark Byrne, an Irish convention-goer who took advantage of her good
nature and caused Cherie to have a complete relapse in her progress,
and rather extremely, run away from home with a man whom she barely
knew; Ian [Sharman].
- - - -
"I did fight back at first but you lose so much strength trying to fight him off..." - Cherie writing about her experience with her assailant, Mark Byrne.Mark was her friend for many months where they became quite close and she entrusted him with many of her secrets and weaknesses. He would often visit her home in Kidbrooke, where she lived with her parents, and it was here when her parents were home one day that he gave the three of them a sob-story about homelessness being inevitable. This led to an invitation to take up temporary residence with the Donovan family, and where Mark's true nature came to light...
I am not sure of the
details of how it started as her diary entries and what she told her
friends of the matter are all very limited. I do know, however, that
for several months Mark lived in Cherie's bedroom on the bottom
“bunk” and during this time he began assaulting her physically,
emotionally and sexually.
Even on her own
Birthday (her diary is very clear about this) she had to “fight him
off”, and although she had friends over for a small party at her
home, she never mentioned her plight to any one, for fear of her
safety, and theirs. Mark made it very clear to her that if she told
any one, there would be violent consequences.
- - - -
Mark told Cherie that
he had a second personality who was the one who was actually abusing
her, and that his primary personality meant her no harm. I am not
sure how true or even how plausible that claim is, but I do know that
it was another reason why she kept quiet; the friendship that she
cherished with the primary persona, who cared for her where the other
abused her.
 |
| Cherie and her parents at her Birthday Party in 2005. |
Cherie's parents were
blissfully unaware of what was happening to her, although I am
reliably informed that her behaviour drastically changed during this
period with angry outbursts, her punching a hole through her bedroom
window and her cutting off most of her hair with a cheese knife,
amongst other things, presumably as a way of crying out for help,
without actually making her abuse known. She even “acted out” at
her parents' re-marriage in Wales***, which is something that her
mother never forgave her for.
There was even a period
of time when the parent Donovans left home – perhaps to go on
holiday, I am unsure – and during this period there was no one or
nothing to protect Cherie from her attacker, as it was just the two
of them residing there.
I am unsure how far the
assaults went; whether it was unwanted touching or if there was
actual unconsensual penetration (rape) involved.
- - - -
"When he left, and Ian came into my life, he offered me a way out, and I took it. I was not strong enough to stay there. I could not face anyone after what I had been through, least of all you and dad. I cut off everyone – not just family, but friends as well – and started a new life with him. I thought that it would be better that way. Running away was my solution. I knew that you would hate me for it, but I felt that I had no choice." - Cherie writes to her parents about her choice to run away.
 |
| Cherie in her 'She-Hulk' cosplay at MCM Expo, May 2006, shortly before she ran away with Ian. |
It was as a result of
this experience with Mark that, when Cherie spoke with her new friend
Ian about the experience (presumably because it is easier to speak
with some one new than some one you have known a long time, about
some thing so shaming), she jumped at his offer to return to his
residency in Gillingham, Kent, after they spent the weekend at MCMExpo together.
She never left***. As a
result, her relationship with her parents and her friends was
permanently damaged.
She and Ian were in a
relationship until November 2008, when she returned home in the
middle of the night after a break-up fight.
- - - -
 |
| Cherie and her mother with 'Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang' car one month after her return to her family in 2008. |
The tension between her
mother and herself was very clear, especially since Cherie still
refused to explain why she left. She moved into her first (and last)
lone residency in New Eltham.
Through mutual College
friends, Cherie's social life expanded to Dartford, where she met
Mark, Maryanne, Hayley and the others, and gradually began her affair
with the prior.
Although Teresa (her best friend since College) and Cherie remained in touch during her years in
Gillingham living with Ian and Cherie was able to tell Teresa about
her experience with “the other Mark”, the two of them slowly grew
apart, likely due to the increasing amount of time that she was
spending with Mark [Sutton] and the secrets that she kept from her
“bestie”, who never knew of the affair, although she had her
suspicions.
- - - -
 |
| Cherie with her friend Christopher and her then-boyfriend Ian, a few months before their breakup. |
Fast-forward to May
2010 and we have Cherie emailing her ex-boyfriend Ian who tells her
that “the
fact that you think I would want to talk to you after some of the
things you have said and done shocks me.”,
suggesting that he was angry at her for some reason*. Teresa is also
engaged to be married and has invited Cherie to be her Bridesmaid.
Efforts are also being made to mend the relationship with her family.
After a holiday away
with her lover Mark, Cherie feared she might be pregnant. She asked
that Mark and/or Teresa if they would attend a sexual health clinic
with her for a pregnancy test, and because she believed that her past
experiences with sexual assaults combined with her new “sexually
active” status would mean that the responsible thing to do would be
to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases.
It was at this point
that Cherie had a breakdown. When she recovered, she spoke with Mark
about what had caused it, insisting that she had remembered being
sexually assaulted by not only one, but multiple assailants, at the
same time****. Whether there is any truth to this, I do not know. But
I can tell you that she truly believed it, and that it traumatised
her.
 |
| Cherie's best friend Teresa and her fiance Richard. |
She turned to Teresa
for council, but was turned away, having missed an important wedding
planning appointment that she promised to attend. Cherie called
Teresa to try to explain what she remembered and what she had been
through, but she decided instead that it would be better to lie to
Teresa than to share such horrible information, given her current
state of engaged/pre-wedding euphoria. This decision meant that they
were no longer friends, but Cherie felt that it was a fair exchange
for Teresa's continued happiness, rather than the sadness that would
result in her friend knowing the truth.
- - - -
Another phone call –
on the same day – was made to Hannah, Cherie's mother, after her
tear-inducing break-up with Teresa. Cherie decided at this point that
it was a “make it or break it” day for her relationships, so she
finally told her mother about the various things that she had been
through over the years that she had been keeping from her. She
apologised for her erratic behaviour and for being a bad daughter,
insisting that it was not her fault that she was so “messed up”,
but, much like with Teresa, she was again rejected.
She then proceeded to
write “The Last Will & Testament Of Cherie-Louise Donovan” (where I found my quotes I have included here),
which is five pages of apologies, regrets, confessions and “I love
you[s]” with no paragraphing and
a grand total of twenty-three thousand one-hundred and forty-four
characters**. It is quite a chore to read, but it is clear from its
contents that she had given up on life and had every intention of
committing suicide at this point.
- - - -
I hope that this answers some questions that people likely had. If you have any more, I have a 'Ask Me Anything' post.
- - - -
* I have absolutely no
idea about this, no matter how many emails and diary entries that I
read.
** Roughly three-times
the length of my longest Blog entry!
*** To be discussed at
a later date.
**** This is known as
“gang rape”
