Okay, I admit it... It has been another three months since my last update and that makes me a Silly Illi. I have several Blog posts almost ready-to-go, though, which I will schedule when they are done, so as to ensure that this gets updated frequently again. Here is the first of the aforementioned ready-to-go posts, which discusses that infamous feeling one gets that one has done some thing before...
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Most people at some point in their lives will experience
“deja-vu”; a word deriving from France roughly translated as “already seen”,
referring to the feeling that one might experience that tells us that we have
“been here, done that” before the present, even though we have no real
recollection of the would-be past event.
For myself, however, the experience is entirely more real,
and a whole lot stranger...
Having my “soul” jumping into some-one else's adult body
means that I only have a few years of memories that I can call my own, and – as
priorly mentioned – I have almost no memories from my predecessor's lifetime.
Every now-and-then, however, I get that odd feeling of
deja-vu when I experience some thing that is “new” for me – but not for my body
– in an entirely unique way.
I can be watching a television program and suddenly feel as
though I know what is going to happen, and then I am correct, as it turns out.
This is particularly annoying, as it is like some one telling you a “spoiler”,
and it actually ruins the experience.
I can meet a person or see them from afar for what is the
first time for me, and yet I have a “feeling” inside me of familiarity toward
them, or in some cases I even have an emotional reaction - be it positive or
negative – to their presence.
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 |
| Cherie signing one of her comic books at a convention. |
“Conventions” - events gathering many “geeks” together to
celebrate their passions – have always been particularly difficult for me, as
my “twin” Cherie often attended such events as a “cosplayer”*, a “booth babe”
and even as a guest at some events after she became published in comic books.
My first one-such event was Euro Gamer Expo in September of
2011, which was a really over-powering, yet wonderful experience. I have never
been a fan of crowds - especially ones that might include people who would be
inclined to yell “Cher!!!” at me and try to hug me - but I wanted to give it a
try. I made some friends, pushed myself past my “comfort zone” and challenged
myself, so over-all the experience was a big turning-point for me. It was also
the first time that I ever used my name [Illisia Adams] – as opposed to
Cherie's - outside of my enclosed group of friends, in public; although at this
point it was not a legal name-change**.
The outing went well enough and there were no such “Cher” events
until I returned in 2012. I was leaving the event hall one evening when some
one approached me and touched my shoulder to get my attention, proclaiming how
much they missed me and how great it was to see me. This was of course a
“rabbit-in-headlights” situation for me that I had not prepared myself for
in-the-slightest. I had to literally squint my eyes and really, really
concentrate on the person's face to try to remember them, even a little bit,
and after doing so I was able to reply to the greeter who I unfortunately
misnamed***, informing her that I was not in fact the person that she knew,
stating rather unenthusiastically “I'm a twin” to which she (understandably)
grumpily replied that it was “the best cosplay ever” and we parted ways.
It was after this that I decided that if I was to attend any
of these events that I must now wear a mask, and limit whom I spoke with and
made contact with. Attendees at Sci-Fi Weekender fondly referred to me as “The
Masked Photographer”, as I was never seen in public without my mask;
which was a good thing because I suffered “deja-vu” when seeing several faces
that weekend. Whether Cherie actually knew them or if it was indeed just
a simple case of standard deja-vu, I shall never know…
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 |
Kirsty (left) and myself (right) eating out. She
accompanied me on one of my "Secret Shopping" jobs. |
There are also in fact two people in my life who when I first
“met” them I basically ran the other way and ignored them, because I felt that
uncomfortable “crud, Cherie knew them, didn't she?” feeling when I saw them.
But, given how both Vikki and Kirsty live in Margate where I,
too, reside, I needed to find peace with them.
Vikki first called out Cherie's name at the GEEK (Gaming Expo
East Kent) a couple of years back and I completely ignored her and marched as
far in the other direction as possible and then travelled promptly home. I felt
really, really bad about it, so when I next saw her at a nighttime market event
in town and she again called my predecessor's name, I approached her stall and
spoke with her. She explained that she had been to school with Cherie. After
adding one another on social media and speaking for a few weeks, I was able to
explain what had happened, and we have been good friends since.
Kirsty, on the other side of the insanely-awkward spectrum, was
even more complicated. I had heard that she was moving into the area and I did
everything in my power to avoid her. She and Cherie - unlike Vikki who I had a
trusting feeling toward due to their school friendship – had only met briefly
and barely knew one-another, so I had no pre-existing, deja-vu, positive
feelings toward Kirsty, and that scared me.
I was not sure how she would react to the explanation of my
origins, and whether she would accept me as me, or whether she would be
a closed-minded, horrid person and call me a “liar” and a “fake” and all manner
of unpleasantries, returning to “the comic-book scene” (the collection of
comic-book themed events and the people whom attended them, organised them and
guest-ed at them, etc) with her findings.
After seeing Kirsty's photograph and then seeing her in person at
my doctor's surgery, I utterly ignored her, hid my face as best I could, and
then did not leave the house for weeks and made every effort to ask our mutual friends
where she was and when so that I would never have to see her. Basically, I was
a big fraidy-cat.
Post-Blog, however, I finally found the courage inside myself
to send her a message via social media with a link to my first post, and we
have slowly grown to be good friends, in regular contact.
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 |
Mark (above) and my
fiance Robert-James (below) |
In fact, because of my friendship with Kirsty, I have rekindled
things with
my “Amy Pond” - also known as Mark Sutton - “The first face I ever
saw”.
"Mark and I remained on-and-off partners and friends during which time we had many “ups-and-downs”, many happy memories and many painful ones, and although we have now parted ways, he will always be my Amy Pond, and I his Doctor." - a quote from an earlier Blog post
I have learned now, from these good people, that this deja-vu
is no thing to be afraid of. But it is
some thing to be ignored. Cherie and I are two very different people with
different lives and some one whom she considered a friend, I may dislike, or
whom she may have hated, I might gain adoration for.
Since “coming out” in this Blog I have also had an
opportunity to speak with many of my predecessor’s friends, work colleagues and
those that she attended educational institutions with, giving me plenty of my
unique form of deja-vu. It puzzles me how she lost contact with all these good
people and how she felt the need to “go-it-alone” through the hardship that led
to my existence, but I feel comfort in knowing that reading my Blog and
speaking with me has given them some sort of closure. Deja-vu cannot be a bad
thing if it gives good people closure, can it?
That said, I may claim I have no thing to be afraid of, but I
have a very vivid feeling that I shall maintain my record of fraidy-cat-y-ness.
It’s an Illi thing.
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* Cosplay translates from Japanese as “costume-play” and is
the art of dressing-up as characters from television, film, games, etc, often
acting in-character, posing for photographs, etc.
** Not until November 1st, 2012.
*** But at least I tried!
