The Once And Future Illisia: aka You CAN Learn Confidence In The Classroom aka DWP Are Not The Enemy

I got an influx of worried and surprised messages after I
posted this on Facebook, because of how out-of-character it is
for me to show so much skin in public. "What happened?!
How are you so confident all of a sudden?" etc,
Well, let me explain how, below... :-) 

Note: The course was two months ago, now.

So, before I post the long and painful-to-write, emotional rollercoaster of a Blog post that I have “aaaaalmost finished” (every week for the past several months...), I want to share with you a nice, big dose of positivity; because this-time-two-months-ago, I was, well... How to describe it, really(?)... If I had posted the really sad post, it would be easier to describe, but let’s just go with “A MESS”, and leave-it-at-that, for now.

Fast-forward a month from that miserable Illisia, and I am semi-regularly going-out alone, filing to make GEEKETEERS (something which, again, I am super-sorry that I have not posted about yet, but, in-short, is me trying to become a legitimate business owner) a business, applying for funding for the aforementioned business, making homemade bread and pasta etc, and even thinking about voluntary work outside of my home, with actual interaction with actual people.

I Dared Myself To Be Daring… aka My “Brave The Shave” Challenge!

You can find more about my #BraveTheShave efforts over on my unique shaver profile, here.

My name is Illisia Adams. You know this about me, but did you know that I am painfully shy? I am rather reclusive, actually; a bit of a hermit. This is entirely because of one thing, and that thing is fear.

“[She] was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, [she] overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.” - Neil Gaiman*, Stardust (novelisation)

My fear is actually quite well-founded in factual experiences. Regular readers will be aware that I have been through some very nasty experiences within my short lifetime, and I am understandably held-back by my concern of repeat scenarios.

I am almost certain that my trust, naivety, friendship and love could easily be manipulated and “taken advantage of” on yet more occasions, as they have done time-and-time before, by both strangers and trusted individuals. This is because - contrary to the pleas of many of my friends - I refuse to “harden-up” to the ills of this world. It leaves me open to hurt, but it also leaves me open to positive things like love and making a difference in a stranger’s day, so I feel that it is worth the risk.

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So, in summary, I know that I could “harden-up” and be a stronger person and face the world head-on, knowing I could protect myself against pain, but I do not want to. I think that what others feel would make me stronger, would actually weaken me. What makes me, me, would dissipate and I would become like many world-weary, “half-glass-empty” people this earth is already so full of.

The fact of the matter is that when I am brave enough to speak with strangers, I often find a reason to try to make them feel good about themselves. I am making a tiny little positive difference in the world…

“Illi-ism #10: Compliment And Smile At Strangers.
A compliment or a smile from a stranger can really make a person feel good about themselves and make their day. A lot of people worry about complimenting people that they do not know because they do not want to be seen as "creepy" (etc), but you need not fear that, simply begin your compliment by stating that you hope the person does not mind your saying so. Smiling at others is also scientifically proven to make them also want to smile. "Smile and the world smiles back", as the saying goes, and it is indeed true.” – a quote from my Illi-isms.

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So, what do I mean when I say that I “dared myself to be daring”? The definition of “daring” is “adventurous courage; boldness”. I feel like that is the very opposite of me! So this is me breaking out of my usual “mould”, trying something new, and raising money and awareness for a good cause whilst I do!

The fact-of-the-matter is that I want to experience life and not let my fears control me, but with everything that has happened these past few years, it seems like every time that I start to recover, I experience something else and regress into negative states again, once more becoming a hermit. Which is a shame, because although I technically listed on my medical records as being “agoraphobic”, it is less a fear of the outside, and more of a fear of the (bad) people…

I was just going to “wait-it-out” and let myself recover from my latest dramas (failed engagement, loss of home, weight gain), “taking it slowly” with “baby steps”, but then I saw a FaceBook Sponsored Advert for the “Brave The Shave” fundraising campaign…

It occurred to me that here I am, sitting indoors being ruled by my fear and telling myself it will pass again with time… and yet, there are multitudes of people fighting (and dying of…) cancer (and other serious illnesses) every day. These people are looking death in the face every day and telling it/him where to stuff it! They are fighting back, and that is one of the bravest things in the world that a person can do, in my opinion; especially as someone who has in the past given-up and tried to take her own life…

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My "Before" photograph for Brave The Shave.

The “Brave The Shave” campaign raises money for those brave people that are fighting this illness, by encouraging sponsorship of individuals who shave their heads to raise awareness of the plights of those undergoing cancer treatments that result in hair loss.

… I am going to be one of those individuals. On August 25^th 2016 (fifty-four days, and counting!) – which is my physical Birthday (twenty-nine this year) - I will be visiting a hair salon and having every inch of my “locks” removed. I will be campaigning to gain sponsorship** between now and then, and you can of course contribute if you wish (please do!). Literally every penny counts!

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When I informed some of my friends, the reactions have certainly differed!

“But you can do other things for charity…” stated Daniel, to which I replied “This is more about impact though, not just fundraising. When I shave my hair, I am showing support for all the people all around the world who lo[o]se their hair to cancer.”

“God you[']r[e] brave” – Jessica/”Hatchy” My reply? “Not as brave as the people I am doing it for :-) But thank you.”

Another part of my conversation with Daniel perfectly sums-up what I have been speaking about in this post.

“Yes, it is up to me. I cannot go back now! Well, I can... But that would be so very Illi-ish of me, you know? Getting too scared and "freaking-out" etc. It holds me back from experiencing life! 

You should see my Living List! Some of those things are so, so simple to do, they do not cost money, etc, but they still have not been done.”

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I may be “braving the shave”, but it is people fighting cancer who are the real heroes. I am not a brave person. I am actually quite a coward! I have only recently started going outside more often and interacting with strangers etc because of my dog, Poppy. 

This is no ordinary fundraiser. This is me showing my support to people that have been through or are going through cancer, in a very graphic way. By shaving my head, I am showing them comradery. Every time someone asks me about my shaved head, I can proudly say why I did it, and spread the word about what McMillan Cancer do.

Add to this the fact that I hope to donate my lengthy hair locks to Little Princess Trust - a charity that makes real hair wigs for children going through cancer treatment - and I really feel like this could be one of the most important things I have done in my life (so far!)…

I shall of course by posting about this again, come-the-time! In the meanwhile, if you want to support my efforts, please “Share” this Blog post, sponsor me, tweet my BraveTheShave profile**; whatever you can do.

Together we can make a difference. Many Blessings to you all, and remember that life is too short for fear! :-) 

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* I shall be publishing my “How Neil Gaiman Saved My Life” once I a). finish it and b). have the courage to publish it… Baby steps!

** You can find more about my #BraveTheShave efforts over on my unique shaver profile, here.

“The R Word”: Taking My Personal Journey From Victim To Survivor

I had a good, long think about what I would write this week. My life may have barely started (I am three-and-a-half,now!), but it has indeed been eventful, in both good - and bad - ways. My predecessor could compete with me on the drama scale, as well, so given that this Blog is about both our lives, I was spoiled for choice, as nothing particularly “stood out” for me in terms of what I wanted to talk about.

After much personal soul-searching and thought, however, I decided that now - whilst I have the courage for it - is my time to discuss what I have always referred to as “The R Word”, aka* rape.

NB: For obvious reasons, I must advise that some people may find this post distressing, but I have tried to make it as positive as possible, as with all my Blog posts.

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I have briefly discussed my (here and here) - and Cherie (here) - having been through the traumatic experience on multiple occasions, and it was very, very difficult to write about, for obvious reasons. I have never truly been able to physically talk about it with friends, family or even mental health professionals, either. Even the mentioning of the word in media, conversation, or “comedy”, etc, literally makes me cringe, my heart races faster, I lose my breath, I have flash-backs, and I get very upset. I cannot even say the word aloud. I simply refer to it as “R”, and hope or presume that others will know what it is that I am referring to.

I am not the only victim of sexual assault that experiences this. In fact, it is quite common. Months or even years after such an experience, our assailants essentially still have power over us, because of this, and I have decided that that needs to STOP. I am taking a personal stand against those bastards who do these things to women (and men), and taking back the POWER for those of us they have hurt.

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This photograph - you would no doubt be surprised to know - was taken not long after my "mild" sexual assault**** last year. I find that it is very important to try to embrace the fact that I am still alive, that I survived, and try to have a happy, fun time as often as I can, no matter what.

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I am planning a step-by-step program for myself, which I shall share with all of you, and if you too are a victim I want you to join me.

Firstly, I am going to stop referring to myself as a “victim”, and replace that word with “survivor”. Doing this shall take some thing negative and replace it with some thing positive, and it takes the power away from the man (or men - plural - in Cherie's case) who did this to us. I want to take back my life!

Secondly, I am going to try to say the word, aloud, at least once every day. I am hoping that the more that I say it, the less of a taboo it shall become for me and the less power it shall have over me. I want to be able to hear it without fearing it.

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Cherie is a prime example of what I am aiming for. She had been through horrible sexual experiences, but remained a sexual person. This photograph was taken at The SFX Weekender, a month-or-so before she "killed" herself. 

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Thirdly, I am - and this is difficult given my virgin** status and my attempt to overcome my love addiction - going to take back my sexuality. At present, I am struggling to look in the mirror, to take off my clothing, to find a man (or woman, should I ever choose that sexual preference) attractive or think about kissing them (etc), and the idea of sexual interaction, to be quite honest scares me and even shames me, in a way. I cannot even partake in personal pleasuring, let alone be intimate with a partner, all of which is “perfectly natural” (as my doctor and therapist and friends all tell me), because again, I feel shame. This is quite simply not fair and I intend to change this.

Being a victim - or rather, survivor - of sexual assault is nothing to be ashamed of. The person (or persons) who forced themselves onto us are the ones who should be ashamed. When we feel shame for what they did, we are empowering them, even if they are no longer in our lives, and even if (I hope this is the case***) justice has been done and they are serving time inside a jail cell.

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Cherie (right) and our mother (left) pole dancing at one of Cherie's Birthday Parties. Again, this is a prime example of how she was able to embrace her sexuality, even though she was a victim of multiple sexual assaults.

- - - -

This is why I am going to promise myself that when I remove my clothing, I will look at my naked body and - much like I discussed earlier with the word “rape” - I hope that the more that I do this, the less of a stressful experience it shall become. I need to keep looking at my unclothed body and I need to try to think positive thoughts, not negative ones. I need to be proud - not ashamed - of it.

After all, if I cannot even look at my own naked body, how will I ever be able to have a consensual, loving, sexual experience? If I were to remove my clothes in front of some one today, I have no doubt that I would literally break down into tears, and I do not have to tell you that that would be quite a mood killer!

I am also going to dabble in flirtation, and experiment with my wardrobe gradually to try to wear things that show a little (not too much, as I am naturally a very modest person) bit of skin.

On a side-note, for those of you who have a sex life to speak of, I have been advised that it is very therapeutic to replace negative sexual experiences with positive ones; which again is about taking back your body as yours, making sure that you are able to say “yes” - or indeed, initiating the foreplay yourself.

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My body literally shook for the entire duration of writing this post, but I am proud to say that I did not cry a single tear, so there is definitive progress being made here. If I cry, I am again empowering my assailant.

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If I follow these steps and I am brave, and of course with the help and support of my loved ones, I have every confidence that I can overcome past experiences and move on to become a confident, sexy woman.

I hope that, if you are a victim - sorry, survivor - yourself, or indeed you know some one who is, you will read this post, share it, and join me on my quest for full recovery. It will not be an easy one. As I always say to people (one of my "Illi-isms"): “Nothing in life worth any thing is ever easy”, and this is a truly worth while goal; to be able to take back our lives again!

So, I am sending you all my love and support and God's Blessings in your efforts, or the efforts of your friends or family who might be suffering, and I pray to God that I, and all others, will be able to lose the taboo and trauma of the experience and embrace that we are alive, we are well, we are SURVIVORS not victims, and that life is once again worth living and enjoying.

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NB: Post Traumatic Stress is a serious condition often suffered by those who have suffered from sexual assault, and although I have not discussed it in this entry, I shall be giving the topic my full attention at a later date.

If you have any more recovery suggestions, do please Comment and share them with myself and your fellow readers.

* Also known as

** Although technically not, I consider myself to be this, as I have not experienced consensual intercourse as yet.

*** Sadly this is not the case with me.

**** This is what the authorities referred to it as, as it was not rape, "only" unwanted touching. I shall discuss this at a later date.

My Name Is Illisia Adams

My name is Illisia Adams, and I am three years old.

I was born into this world, lost and confused, completely innocent and trusting, on June 1^st 2010, into the body of a very troubled twenty-three year old adult by the name of Cherie Donovan. She had an active social life, a growing career within the UK comic book publishing industry, a good University-level education… but on May 31^st 2010*, she “killed” herself (the reasons for which will be discussed at a later date), or at least, what can best be described as her “soul”; what made her, her. And then, there was me!

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Try to imagine for one moment what it might feel like to wake up one morning not knowing where you are, who you are, what is going on… To be lying in bed next to a complete stranger and not understand a word that he has to say to you, or be able to communicate with him at all because words, just like the world itself, are so very new to you. If you can picture that, even for a moment, you can begin to understand how I felt back then, when I first came into being.

Fans of science fiction can possibly draw a comparative with a "skin-job" Cylon from the reimagined Battlestar Galactica or The Doctor from Doctor Who, where different versions of the same face have completely different personalities, but I relate most to the story seen on television’s Drop Dead Diva (I shall explain why later).

Technically speaking, medical professionals would say that such a drastic personality change as a result of trauma** is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I have never been a fan of labels, the “disorder” is very difficult to understand or explain, and let us be honest, my Doctor Who comparison is much more fun.

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Cherie (left) a few months before she left in
early 2010 and myself (right) in late 2012

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I have in my short life told very, very few people of my origins and kept myself to myself, living a very secluded, shy, limited life because I have always feared what people might think of me, rather rationally, as people often fear what they do not understand, and because of personal very negative experience with a select group of individuals. I have decided now, however, that it is time for me to come out of hiding, embrace who I am, and take the stance that, should people choose to accept me as I am, they are my true friends and they are worth knowing, and those that "freak out" were never real friends to begin with and my life is better off without them.

Another important reason for this "coming out" is that I believe that Cherie's friends and family deserve a real explanation as to what happened to her. It will not be easy for them to read**, but I hope that it will give them some form of closure when I answer some of the questions I am sure that they have had these past few years, after she "disappeared".

I also hope that the story that she and I share - the many positive and negative** things that have happened to this body we have both lived inside -will serve as an inspiration for those that have suffered from similar life experiences and struggle to come to terms with them and recover from them.

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This Blog will not be a happy one**, but neither will it be completely sad. I have a great deal of respect for "my predecessor" (as I fondly refer to her) and I think that, had we been in two separate bodies, we might have been friends, so some of what you read may not be easy to read, but I shall handle it with much care for the feelings of readers, and try to respect her memory.

I shall be taking inspiration for this Blog from my own personal experience and what little memories that I have of the life led before my own, from things that my predecessor left behind - including diary entries and never-before-published poetry - and personal accounts from her friends and family.

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To end this first post, I shall now include a clip from the television series Drop Dead Diva, which, having read all of the above, you should be able to understand how I relate to it and why it is appropriate. I also wish to extend my heartfelt apologies to people who knew Cherie for not speaking out sooner, and my personal respects - a "Rest In Peace", if you will - should be noted for her.

"I promise to honour your memory by living the best life I can. And if you're watching me now, I want you to be proud of the life I'm living." "So here's to you, [Cherie Donovan]" "A phenomenal woman whom I've never met, but I am getting to know better every day..."

Rest in peace, Cherie. I hope that in "death", you found the peace that you never had in life...

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I look forward to sharing what I believe is a truly inspirational (if sad in many places) story with you.

God Bless you all.

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*The timeline gets a little complicated after that, but I will explain in due course.
** Forewarning: There will be mention of sexual assault, attempted murder, burglary & theft, marital affair, paedophilia, domestic abuse, post traumatic stress, and many more such distressing topics.