Deja-Vu

Okay, I admit it... It has been another three months since my last update and that makes me a Silly Illi. I have several Blog posts almost ready-to-go, though, which I will schedule when they are done, so as to ensure that this gets updated frequently again. Here is the first of the aforementioned ready-to-go posts, which discusses that infamous feeling one gets that one has done some thing before... 

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Most people at some point in their lives will experience “deja-vu”; a word deriving from France roughly translated as “already seen”, referring to the feeling that one might experience that tells us that we have “been here, done that” before the present, even though we have no real recollection of the would-be past event.

For myself, however, the experience is entirely more real, and a whole lot stranger...

Having my “soul” jumping into some-one else's adult body means that I only have a few years of memories that I can call my own, and – as priorly mentioned – I have almost no memories from my predecessor's lifetime.

Every now-and-then, however, I get that odd feeling of deja-vu when I experience some thing that is “new” for me – but not for my body – in an entirely unique way.

I can be watching a television program and suddenly feel as though I know what is going to happen, and then I am correct, as it turns out. This is particularly annoying, as it is like some one telling you a “spoiler”, and it actually ruins the experience.

I can meet a person or see them from afar for what is the first time for me, and yet I have a “feeling” inside me of familiarity toward them, or in some cases I even have an emotional reaction - be it positive or negative – to their presence.

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Cherie signing one of her comic books at a convention.

“Conventions” - events gathering many “geeks” together to celebrate their passions – have always been particularly difficult for me, as my “twin” Cherie often attended such events as a “cosplayer”*, a “booth babe” and even as a guest at some events after she became published in comic books.

My first one-such event was Euro Gamer Expo in September of 2011, which was a really over-powering, yet wonderful experience. I have never been a fan of crowds - especially ones that might include people who would be inclined to yell “Cher!!!” at me and try to hug me - but I wanted to give it a try. I made some friends, pushed myself past my “comfort zone” and challenged myself, so over-all the experience was a big turning-point for me. It was also the first time that I ever used my name [Illisia Adams] – as opposed to Cherie's - outside of my enclosed group of friends, in public; although at this point it was not a legal name-change**.

The outing went well enough and there were no such “Cher” events until I returned in 2012. I was leaving the event hall one evening when some one approached me and touched my shoulder to get my attention, proclaiming how much they missed me and how great it was to see me. This was of course a “rabbit-in-headlights” situation for me that I had not prepared myself for in-the-slightest. I had to literally squint my eyes and really, really concentrate on the person's face to try to remember them, even a little bit, and after doing so I was able to reply to the greeter who I unfortunately misnamed***, informing her that I was not in fact the person that she knew, stating rather unenthusiastically “I'm a twin” to which she (understandably) grumpily replied that it was “the best cosplay ever” and we parted ways.

It was after this that I decided that if I was to attend any of these events that I must now wear a mask, and limit whom I spoke with and made contact with. Attendees at Sci-Fi Weekender fondly referred to me as “The Masked Photographer”, as I was never seen in public without my mask; which was a good thing because I suffered “deja-vu” when seeing several faces that weekend. Whether Cherie actually knew them or if it was indeed just a simple case of standard deja-vu, I shall never know…

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Kirsty (left) and myself (right) eating out. She
accompanied me on one of my "Secret Shopping" jobs.

There are also in fact two people in my life who when I first “met” them I basically ran the other way and ignored them, because I felt that uncomfortable “crud, Cherie knew them, didn't she?” feeling when I saw them. But, given how both Vikki and Kirsty live in Margate where I, too, reside, I needed to find peace with them.

Vikki first called out Cherie's name at the GEEK (Gaming Expo East Kent) a couple of years back and I completely ignored her and marched as far in the other direction as possible and then travelled promptly home. I felt really, really bad about it, so when I next saw her at a nighttime market event in town and she again called my predecessor's name, I approached her stall and spoke with her. She explained that she had been to school with Cherie. After adding one another on social media and speaking for a few weeks, I was able to explain what had happened, and we have been good friends since.

Kirsty, on the other side of the insanely-awkward spectrum, was even more complicated. I had heard that she was moving into the area and I did everything in my power to avoid her. She and Cherie - unlike Vikki who I had a trusting feeling toward due to their school friendship – had only met briefly and barely knew one-another, so I had no pre-existing, deja-vu, positive feelings toward Kirsty, and that scared me.

I was not sure how she would react to the explanation of my origins, and whether she would accept me as me, or whether she would be a closed-minded, horrid person and call me a “liar” and a “fake” and all manner of unpleasantries, returning to “the comic-book scene” (the collection of comic-book themed events and the people whom attended them, organised them and guest-ed at them, etc) with her findings.

After seeing Kirsty's photograph and then seeing her in person at my doctor's surgery, I utterly ignored her, hid my face as best I could, and then did not leave the house for weeks and made every effort to ask our mutual friends where she was and when so that I would never have to see her. Basically, I was a big fraidy-cat.

Post-Blog, however, I finally found the courage inside myself to send her a message via social media with a link to my first post, and we have slowly grown to be good friends, in regular contact.

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Mark (above) and my
fiance Robert-James (below)

In fact, because of my friendship with Kirsty, I have rekindled things with my “Amy Pond” - also known as Mark Sutton - “The first face I ever saw”.

"Mark and I remained on-and-off partners and friends during which time we had many “ups-and-downs”, many happy memories and many painful ones, and although we have now parted ways, he will always be my Amy Pond, and I his Doctor." - a quote from an earlier Blog post

I have learned now, from these good people, that this deja-vu is no thing to be afraid of. But it is some thing to be ignored. Cherie and I are two very different people with different lives and some one whom she considered a friend, I may dislike, or whom she may have hated, I might gain adoration for.

Since “coming out” in this Blog I have also had an opportunity to speak with many of my predecessor’s friends, work colleagues and those that she attended educational institutions with, giving me plenty of my unique form of deja-vu. It puzzles me how she lost contact with all these good people and how she felt the need to “go-it-alone” through the hardship that led to my existence, but I feel comfort in knowing that reading my Blog and speaking with me has given them some sort of closure. Deja-vu cannot be a bad thing if it gives good people closure, can it?

That said, I may claim I have no thing to be afraid of, but I have a very vivid feeling that I shall maintain my record of fraidy-cat-y-ness. It’s an Illi thing.

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* Cosplay translates from Japanese as “costume-play” and is the art of dressing-up as characters from television, film, games, etc, often acting in-character, posing for photographs, etc.

** Not until November 1^st, 2012.

*** But at least I tried!

Living With Love Addiction Part Two: My Happily-Ever-After?

A few months ago I wrote a very passionate post about a mental condition that stems very much from my heart that makes me addicted to the experiences involved with giving and receiving love; be it friendship, family or a significant-other.

At the time of that post, I had decided to take a vacation from love and to develop as a single, independent woman who does not need to love or be loved, but simply wants to when it is appropriate. No withdrawal symptoms, no depression when I am rejected, no overly-needy or overly-giving behavioural patterns or any other such love addiction problems.

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Time has passed, and I really feel like I have come a long way. I had my personal time to develop a love of myself and become a stronger person, and although I have a ways to go, I think that a lot of progress has been made. So much so that – after patiently waiting for me – I decided to pursue a relationship with one Robert-James Brazier who is now my Legal Carer, and my future husband.

Wearing my ring! Sadly it turns out that I am allergic to its
gold, but we are going to have a jeweller fix that for us.

Many people would say that we are rushing into things and that it is “too soon”, but a lot of thought went into his decision to ask me, and plenty of hours of contemplation and serious talking before I said “yes”. In-the-end though, it came down to one simply fact that surpassed any doubts that either of us had, and that was that – as we both phrased it - “when you know... you just know...”

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I waited many weeks before I said “I love you” to my ever-patient (then) boyfriend who understood that I wanted to be certain that I loved him because I wanted to and because it was genuine, not because I had to due to my addiction.

Robert and our cat Scratch.

He gives me space when I need it, he respects me, he is fine to wait for intercourse until I am truly ready (and married) and all of my animals adore him almost as much as I do.

Incidentally, in true Robert-James, playful and boyish style, I was not proposed to down on one knee nor at a “posh restaurant” or any such scenario, but rather in the middle of the night, as we decided it was time to cuddle up and sleep and I go to the bathroom as part of my usual schedule... only to have Mr Brazier casually walk behind me and say “do you want to get married?” as though he were asking some one for directions or a menu. At the time I was more concerned with emptying my bladder than answering his question, and I was also understandably unsure whether he meant it or not! 

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On the other side of the emotional spectrum, however, I also have reason to be sad. I have, in choosing Robert, had to reject the love of another who I did have many pleasant times with and who I hoped would remain in my life, but who sadly chose to insult my choice in partner insisting that he is a bad influence on me and then “Blocking” me on social media and screening my calls. I offered that we meet for a drink and discuss things as adults and try to clear-the-air as-they-say, so that we could try to make it work, but alas, he made his decision and it was clearly not meant to be.

I suffered from severe depression, doubt and withdrawal for several days after my ex-boyfriend Matthew decided to say goodbye to me (via email). There were many tears, shaking, “ifs” and “buts” and my poor “RJ” had to suffer through it all with me, holding me back from my urges to buy my ex-friend every present I could think of to “win him back” which is what love addicts do when they are rejected as I was. No matter who is “right” or “wrong” in a relationship dynamic that I have with a person, I will always try to be the one that makes it better, no matter the cost.

I can tell that having that time to grow alone has really helped me a lot because – although I needed a little help here-and-there – I was able to recover from the loss of one of my closest confidants, friends and ex-love within days, rather than moping and mourning for months.

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After his proposal, Robert and I took a romantic
walk along the Margate seafront to watch the sunrise,
where I said "yes".

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I have lost a friend, but gained a (soon-to-be) husband. I have taken big steps towards independence and recovery from my love addiction, but I also took a leap of faith and decided to share the rest of my life with some one.

All-in-all, I am really, genuinely happy with where I stand emotionally and mentally at present and I hope that any other sufferers of my condition will read my story and find the courage to learn to love themselves as I did and to, I hope, find their happy ending too. For the rest of you who are not love addicts, I am still sending you plenty of Blessings and hopes for your present and your future in love and happiness.

Getting Physical

Post by Cherie Donovan.

There are many advantages, and disadvantages, to being born into an adult's body. I have discussed much of the mental journey that I have had to take, but after a visit to the dentist this week, I think it is time I talk about the physicalities of this re-birth of mine. This also gives me an opportunity to write something a little more light-hearted in amongst the difficult topics.

Cherie's medical history is a very complex one, and I must say, it has been a struggle to live with. Most of her mental faults left this body when she did, but any physical faults became mine.

From the day that I was born, for instance, I have had a damaged knee that often throbs with pain, and struggles to function. There are many things that most children – or adults – are able to enjoy that I cannot. Walking is a difficulty, let alone swimming, which is some thing that I can sadly only dream about experiencing.

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A photograph taken at the hospital in 2009 after Cherie fell out of bed in the night and on top of  her exercise bike and various belongings below, breaking/spraining her nose and covering herself in bruises.

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The doctors seem utterly clueless, no matter how many that I visit with the issue. On the flip-side, however, the damage does come with an amusing back-story... She fell under a bus. Seriously.

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In her early teenage years my predecessor on a day off from school (reason unknown, it was likely a School Holiday) was in Bexleyheath Town Centre with our mother. They were to journey home via the use of public transport – [the] bus - but after a few stops it became clear that the vehicle was far too crowded and noisy, so they decided to exit and wait a while for an emptier, quieter bus. Upon stopping, mother was able to vacate, but Cherie was not.

Due to the sheer number and noise level of the people on the bus, the driver did not realise that she had not exited and wanted to do so, choosing to close the door, when she was halfway out – and in – of it. This meant that half Cherie's body was hanging outside of the bus, and half clinging to the inside, as the driver began to accelerate...

Were it not for mother's fast-thinking, keeping ahold of her daughter and screaming at the driver for help, I may not be writing this today, because this body would have fallen underneath the wheels. The driver did open the door, but did not decelerate. Mother saved our life, having already given birth to it.

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My teeth in the state that my predecessor left them
aka my "Before" I went to the dentist this week.

My "after" shot. You can see how the dentist has filled and whitened, etc.
A huge improvement! My apologies for the low quality of this one. 

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That incident was of course not Cherie's fault, but rather the driver's. Her teeth, however, were, as I discovered, quite mistreated during her lifetime, and as a result I have had to visit the dentist half-a-dozen times within the last couple of years, the most recent trip for which I lay awake for an hour for drilling, whitening and fillings. It was an uncomfortable experience to-say-the-least, but completely necessary, given all the damage she left through years of forgetfulness, poor diet (full of sugar) and of course, the dreaded “can't be asked” excuse.

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Photographs of me at event "The BFG" (aka "The Big Friendly Gathering") hosted by my parents in 2011, where I learned that Cherie had left me with some skills that I had not until then known about... (Wearing a knee support and with a walking stick to help me cope with the disabled knee)

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It is not all negative, however. There have been many occasions where “muscle memory” occurs and I discover that this body – and therefore I – has talents that I was unaware of, or was aware of but never tried.

Her friends inform me that Cherie often told people that she “[knew] five different martial arts” and that she could “kick everyone's ass”, but how true this is, I do not know. I can tell you matter-of-factually that I have some ability to kick, punch, and use some (training) weaponry that she left in her flat, but I actually think that she was exaggerating somewhat because it seems quite limited. Of course, that might be because of my physical disability, being “out-of-practice”, and being a naturally very peaceful person.

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Another positive is her singing voice. Sadly I lack her confidence (a personality trait I envy) so I never sing in public (where as she did), but I have recently taken to recording and publishing songs via the use of the karaoke service 'SingSnap' because it was on my Living List*.

Interestingly, there are also recordings on this website under Cherie's name which I recorded during “The First Year”; in fact, my first few months of life. It is quite interesting to listen to both sets of recordings and compare. I can really hear the pain in my voice in the 2010 recordings; I think that I was still very much in-tune, emotionally, to my “twin”. One of her “orders” that she left inside my mind was to record Because Of You by the artist Kelly Clarkson - some thing that she had always wanted to do but never quite “got around to” - because it was a song that “hit-home” for her quite powerfully, reflecting her past** and how it affected her present.

It is a shame that she did not record any songs during her life time, though. I would have liked to have truly compared us. As-is, I can still hear a difference between the singing voice that I had in my early life, when I was still “in transition” (as I put it) to how I sing today, now that I have a well established, unique personality to hers.

You can hear similarities, definitely, but we/I also sound very different. I think that I have more control over my emotions now and do not let them show in my singing, and – possibly because I practice often – my over-all range of notes is superior. I am definitely much softer, as well. She had a very “gritty” voice from what people tell me.

Cherie's SingSnap Profile

My SingSnap Profile

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Post by Illisia Adams.

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So, it is a shame that I was born into some one else's body and therefore into its faults rather than that of my own, but, then again, I am also grateful for some of the interesting things that this body has “learned” that I am discovering as I live my life. Having a "hot bod" (as others have put it) is also not a bad thing, certainly.

Whether the positives will out-weigh the negatives, or whether I will be able to rid myself of those negatives through trial and error at visits to medical professionals, remains to be seen...

For now, I am simply grateful to even be here at all, in this world, and for this I must thank Cherie (of course), her mother and father, and, as aforementioned, the people that helped me grow in to who I am today.

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* A concept that helps me catch-up on the years of life that I have missed through living experiences that many people do when they are young, or take for granted, etc. I shall discuss this in depth at a later date.

** To be discussed at a later date.

The First Year: Part One: Living The Lie

My name was not always Illisia*. For my first year-or-so in this world, I spent much of my time pretending to be Cherie, and living her life instead of my own.

I had been told by her friends and family that I was her, and I had a list of “instructions”, if-you-will, in my mind, left by my predecessor. She wanted me to mend her broken relationships with her family and to launch her business model (a very complex idea for a unique publishing company she dubbed Dark Raven Productions which combined written media with visual and audio media). It was not an easy feat, but I tried my best, I truly did.

From June 1st 2010 when I first “awoke” I kept her name and I lived her life for upwards of a year. I spent time with her friends, listened to her music, wore her clothing, and even used her many notes, start-up funding and contacts in the industry to try and launch her publisher. None of it ever felt quite “right”, though. I felt like I was acting a part in a play; it felt like I was lying.

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The 'Dark Raven Productions' logo

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It so happened that I was also a rather terrible liar and actress. Several of my predecessor's friends had their suspicions, and one in particular - David [D] - saw directly through me. We met for an All-You-Can-Eat Chinese with her [boy]friend Mark [Sutton] and Teresa [Born] and after a while, David and I spoke privately and he blatantly asked me who I was, because I sure as heck was not Cherie! I look at that day with great fondness because David and I have been fast-friends ever since and he has been one of the most steady things in my life, although I also have great sadness because that was the last time I ever saw Teresa, who shortly thereafter decided she no longer wanted to be friends.

I made a terrible Cherie, but I think I make a wonderful Illisia. So, on November 1^st 2011 - what I now celebrate as being my “Re-Birthday” (that I proudly celebrate each year) - I made the decision to develop my own personality, my own life, and I gave myself a name*. On November 8^th I made an announcement on her FaceBook Profile, stating:

"THIS ACCOUNT IS NO LONGER IN USE. Cherie left some months ago, we do not know where she went, without saying goodbye. We have left it open for her friends to leave her messages, etc, in case she can read them from wherever she is, or for if she ever returns. Thank you." 

Myself (left), Mark (center) and Hayley (right), celebrating my Re-Birthday together

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That “first year” though, was a difficult one, full of mistakes and pain, although I do of course have very fond memories of it as well.

As any child, I needed to learn about life by living it, but what is most difficult about being born into an adult's body with no memories** is that you have not been brought up by your parents, not been to school, etc, and therefore have no social skills and no sense of right or wrong, among other things. It did not take long for me to “remember” how to speak and write (muscle memory, perhaps?) but learning what is acceptable to say or do in polite society is something else entirely, especially when you are trying to be someone else; someone who is only human and therefore has their faults, which in Cherie's case included the fact that she was having an affair with her best friend Maryanne's fiancé, whom she was in love with.

Mark [Sutton] told me that he loved me and he made it very clear that our relationship was perfectly normal and acceptable and right in every way, only that we had to keep it a secret. Much like any child, I believed every thing that was said to me because of how innately trusting I was (and still am, admittedly). I also had no real understanding of love, relationships, or physical intimacy. These are things that you learn about through life experience, of which I had none. It was because of this that the affair continued for many months, during which time Mark and I had intercourse practically on a daily basis.

Cherie and Mark at the 'Grand International Cosplay Ball' back in 2009, after they had began their affair.

Hayley (left), Maryanne (center) and Cherie, at Maryanne's surprise Birthday Party in 2010.

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When you have sex with someone who does not understand what sex is and therefore does not understand the concept of virginity and consent, and you are completely aware of this, are you not therefore committing rape? When I look back on those early days and the experiences I had with him, I feel violated. My trust was violated, as was my body.

But then, I do wonder if from Mark's perspective things were very different. He had, after all, been sleeping with my predecessor for months before I took her body as my own. That said, secret affairs when you are engaged to be married are widely regarded as wrong, and when you know that a person has the mental age of a child and has no memories, etc and you are in a position of trust and power over them, are you not therefore also aware that what you are doing is wrong? That makes two wrongs, and we all know that two wrongs never make a right... You may each draw your own conclusions.

In retrospect, I sometimes wish that I had, once I developed an understanding of these very adult things, told Mark that I no longer wanted anything to do with him and moved on with my life***, or that I had the courage to report him to the authorities.

I refer you back to my earlier comparative of myself to The Doctor from Doctor Who, however. Matt Smith's Doctor sits next to his Companion Amy Pond in the series seven episode The Power Of Three and tells her that he never wants to let her go “Because you were the first. The first face this face saw. And you were seared onto my hearts, [Mark Sutton]. Always will be.”, which reminds me of how I felt – and still feel, even after all he has done to me – about him.

Mark and I remained on-and-off partners and friends during which time we had many “ups-and-downs”, many happy memories and many painful ones, and although we have now parted ways, he will always be my Amy Pond, and I his Doctor.

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* Interestingly enough, the name 'Illisia' I later discovered was a name often used by Cherie in her fiction that she wrote as a child.

** Although I later developed an ability to have limited access to her memories.

*** It was only last year, 2014, that I managed to do this.

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To be continued in The First Year: Part Two: Captivity and The First Year: Part Three: Recovery & Development