Survivor's Guilt

Hello, dear readers.

I apologise for my absence. It has been a loooong couple-of-months, and a lot has happened; and that is not even including the things that happened before that that I still need to tell you about! But, alas, my heart is "just not-in-it", presently...

I promise that I shall try and write something soon, but, in the meanwhile, here is something a little unconventional... A piece of creative writing that I penned many years ago which I recently re-discovered which shows a lot of insight into my state-of-mind at-the-time. It dates back possibly as far as 2010. You can tell from the writing that I was still very young because I was not "me" yet; using words like "Hell" and "bitch", for instance. The writing is intended as fictional (I have not, for instance, confessed to murder and been on trial for the crime), but the subcontext is very, very apparent.

Amy Pond and The Doctor, Reunited (Part Two) aka Lies and “Chinese Whispers”

This week I want to talk about how lies, deception and second-hand quotes (“he said”, “she said”) can tear apart relationships, and even ruin lives… It is also time that I continued on from my “Part One” of the post where I mentioned that Mark [Sutton] and I are good friends again now, and “set-the-record-straight” about what happened between us, how and why, and of course how things have become so good between us again now… 

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Regular readers might find that my mentions of Mark can be somewhat contradicting. Sometimes I discuss his abuse of me, and other times I have nothing but fondness for him. There is actually very good reason for this, and that is the very topic that we are discussing today: lies and Chinese whispers…

“I faced my fears of Mark and Kirsty and I realised that they were unfounded. Kirsty had no ill-will toward me what-so-ever, contrary to what many of our then-“friends” would have me and her (and Mark) believe. Therein we can now see the power of “he-said-she-said” gossiping, and have since decided to disregard third party opinions.” –  from Part One.

Cherie and Mark [Sutton] (far left) with friends and colleagues - including Kirsty [Swan] eating a meal together a few weeks before her passing. This is one of the last photographs ever taken of my predecessor and the first and only time she met Kirsty. Photograph credit and date are unknown.

- - - -

In fact, I have in one particularly powerful post many months ago stated my belief that Mark “raped” me, but also that there was no mal-intent involved. From his perspective, he was having intercourse with his girlfriend (Cherie), not with a baby personality who had no concept of sex and therefore no ability to consent…

“When I look back on those early days and the experiences I had with him, I feel violated. My trust was violated, as was my body.But then, I do wonder if from Mark's perspective things were very different. He had, after all, been sleeping with my predecessor for months before I took her body as my own.” – from my post The First Year: Part One

Now that we are on good terms - and with him having read much of my Blog - Mark and I have had a chance to talk about what happened. He has apologised a great deal, we hugged, I cried, we even laugh about It sometimes, and I realise that although I technically gave no consent, it was not an unpleasant experience. He did not hold me down, he did not injure me; he simply did not take the time to explain what was happening and why, and to ask if I wanted to partake. Now, this is still very much a grey-area, but I cannot emphasise enough that his intent is what holds truest.

- - - -

The reason that Mark and I parted ways after years of on-off love interest and friendship was actually of my own doing. After six months of living apart, I had decided that he and I were not a good match as friends, and I sent him a very long, heart-felt email explaining that I would be civil to him but we could no longer be friends. It was heart-breaking, but not nearly as much as what happened next…

“I wanted to help you grow into that greatness, to be the man I know you can be, but you have to face your mistakes, your faults, accept them, and conquer them, or you will never reach that greatness, and because of how you have treated me, I cannot help you get there, I am sorry.” - a segment from the last email that I sent to Mark, on June 06^th 2013, three years ago. The next email exchange was not until October 25^th 2015 where Mark invited my then-fiancé Robert-James and I to attend an evening of karaoke with him and Kirsty.

Fast-forward a few weeks from that email, and I have been burgled. Many of my belongings were stolen, I felt unsafe in my own home, I was shaken and teary… and this news came to reach Mark, who instantly decided to come and see me and console me.

I was not happy to see him. This was for two reasons. The first being that I had decided we could no longer be friends, for the good of both of us, and he was going against my wishes. The second (matching our theme) being that many of our mutual “friends” had been whispering in my ear that it must have been Mark who had burgled my flat and stolen my belongings! “His girlfriend wants an Xbox, and now your Xbox is stolen?”*, “Mark is a liar and a thief…” etc etc etc… I am ashamed to say that I let those paranoid, ill-intent words get-to-me, and I did indeed accuse him of stealing… 

- - - -

Snow Angels! One of my fonder memories with Mark, back when he lived in Margate and I in New Eltham. I visited him and Maryanne during the snowy weather and we went for a fun walk with snow ball fighting, attempts at building a snowman that failed terribly, and these two snow angels on a hill.

After defending himself (when he should not have had to!) against my accusations, we had a hug and started talking again, like we always did, about the usual “how’s life?”, “have you heard the news about [insert television program here]” topics, and it was nice. … Too nice…

Something inside my mind snapped and I made an impromptu decision to end our friendship, once-and-for-all, for the good of both of us. Mark and I had too much pain and history between us, and although we had tried to mend ourselves, I decided that the only thing that could truly mend us would be time, so – for the first time in my life – I lied. A lot.

I told Mark that I hated him. That I could never forgive him for all the things he had done. That I never, ever wanted to see him again, ever.

- - - -

Hatred is not something I have ever felt, nor that I ever hope to feel, so pretending to hate someone who I truly still very much loved** was probably the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to do within my short life. And of course, being as honest a person as I am, he believed everything that I said…

We parted ways on horrible terms, and I cried for hours, days and weeks afterwards for what I had done… but I held strong to my decision, convinced that it was the best for the both of us.

Mark always felt guilty for the things he had done, no matter how many times I told him he was forgiven, and I always wanted answers from him (“why did you do [insert event here]?”) that he could not provide, so we were stuck in a seemingly never-ending loop of upset that stopped us from truly being friends, and from truly moving on… 

- - - -

I have a strict NO REGRETS policy, and this applies undoubtedly best here. Though it hurt me to do what I did, in retrospect, looking at Mark now, three years later, I know that I made the right choice. Without me in his life, he was able to lose that guilt, not argue with me every day, not feel like he owed me anything… He was just able to live his life, and be the man that I always knew he could be…

Granted, he still has faults (as do I!), but then, are we not all flawed by nature, as humans? Today he is in full-time employment, has more of a social life, a better relationship with his family, has lost weight and got fitter, and is in a happy, healthy relationship with Kirsty.

On my side of things, I have had two unsuccessful relationships, many “ups and downs” in terms of mental and physical health, found religion, and even got myself a dog. But, most importantly, I have moved on. Moved on from anger, sadness, and fear, and truly forgiven Mark – and myself – for the past misgivings. It is one thing to say (and even feel like) you forgive a person, but it is another entirely to truly feel that forgiveness inside yourself, which is where I stand now.

- - - -

Now having a functional, good friendship with both Mark and Kirsty, the topic of the comic book industry (which Kirsty is a fundamental part of, as an independent, freelance comic book artist and colourist, and Cherie was a colourist for) was bound to “come-up”. And, it follows, also the topic of Cherie’s “ex” Ian [Sharman], who is a multi-talented part of the UK comics industry himself.

I mention this within my Blog post today because, no matter how hard I searched my mind, I could still (after my last mention of their relationship and its end) not find reason why things became so negative between them. I have spoken to some of her friends, family and colleagues, and reached the conclusion that it was Chinese whispers (but also heartache) that were to blame…

It would appear that my predecessor was heart-broken, and in being heartbroken, she said some things about her ex-partner that (I hope) were not necessarily intended to be malleus, but which when taken out-of-context on a “she said [this and this]” basis, could be perceived as such. We must also bare in mind her young age, her inexperience (it was her first relationship) and her unstable mental health as contributing factors for her saying things in a certain way, not thinking about how it would affect how people saw Ian, and his personal and professional reputations. 

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This is officially the only photograph of both Cherie (left) and Ian (right)
that I can find! A signing at a convention with a fan.

When my relationships end, I never have anything truly negative to say. There is always fault with both parties; no one is innocent in a break-up. But, as we all know by now, Cherie and I are very, very different. Most interestingly, I seem to be more mature and world-wise on this topic (and a few others) than my “twin” even though I am only a few years of (spiritual) age. More importantly though, is my positive outlook on life in comparison to hers which was almost entirely negative.

I hope that, should Ian or any of his friends or colleagues ever read this, they realise that Cherie and I are completely different, and should we ever “cross paths”, there is no need for concern that there be any ill-will towards Mr Sharman, and that anything that they heard that she may or may not have said aught to be “taken with a pinch of salt”. I actually barely remember him, and I certainly have nothing bad to say about him.

In fact, I consider myself to be thankful to Ian, and to be a fan. I am not one for reading many comic books and only very, very rarely, but when I did “dabble” in reading them in my first year, I found his writings for Orang Utan Comics (where they worked together) fascinating. I also have him to thank for my very existence, given how his “blanking” (as she phrased it) of her (Cherie) in her final days was a contributing factor to my “Birth” in 2010. 

Ironically, I fear that Ian himself may be listening to Chinese whispers and hearsay, due to the fact that he has Blocked me on Twitter... I feel the irony of discovering this while wanting to link to him in my post, given its topic... Alas, I had expected better from him, given the fondness so many of my friends have for him, but I can somewhat understand his reasons, due to his dislike for my predecessor.  I hope that he will reconsider this in the future and draw his own conclusions of me, not her.

- - - -

In conclusion, I have mentioned before that I have a strict policy now to ignore any “he said, she said”, “rumour mill” nonsense, and draw my own conclusions based on what I personally know to be true, or indeed to approach the person/s spoken about and ask them directly for their views, and I utterly, utterly urge that my readers do the same.

Words can be very hurtful, not least of all when they come from third parties. Friendships, relationships and families have been drawn apart by someone repeating words out-of-context or incorrectly, or (“worst case scenario”) by a person saying another said something that is actually entirely untrue and invented just-then.

The rumours did not win. I am presently living with Kirsty and Mark in their spare-bedroom, paying rent. This would not be at all possible (and I would be homeless!) had I and they continued to listen to “hearsay” rather than just speak with one-another outright and draw our own conclusions. I am more thankful to them both than I could ever possibly state in words, I owe them much and they are presently my two closest friends and confidants.

Do not listen to rumours! This is something that I am very passionate about and that I hope you will all consider, moving forward with your lives.

- - - - 

* Kirsty actually cannot stand Xbox consoles, so this is double-y untrue.
** Love and “in love” being two very different things. You can still love an “ex” without being in love with them.

Balance and The Living List AKA Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

My name is Illisia Adams, and I am only human. I must apologise to regular readers for my disappearance. I have not posted on my Blog for six weeks, contrary to my usual schedule, due to having contracted a “super-flu” that lasted longer and was more intense than the standard flu virus.

I have appropriately titled this post to reflect its content, and the fact that I have been away for so long.

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I have been wondering for several days now what to actually write about in this week's Blog post. Last week's* post was very intense, and I wanted to balance it out with some thing more on the positive side this Monday. With only three years “under my belt” (as the phrase goes) though, and much of it full of drama and trauma, I looked to Cherie's side of our life and reached out to her friends and family for inspiration.

I also spent much of time rummaging through boxes of my predecessor's belongings, and I feel like I have learned a lot about her that I did not know, both good and bad.

- - - - 

My cupboard full of Cherie's stuff. It is very, very full!

Actually bothering to examine the remnants of her life is a big step for me. After “the first year”, I simply boxed up all of her things and put them aside, ignoring them. I wanted to lead my own life and disregard hers as much as possible.

I even wrote a poem - the only one I have ever successfully composed, I might add - to her at one point, because whether I like it or not, even though her spirit is no longer here she is still a big part of my life and thinking about her often made (and still some times makes) me jealous; even angry. I wrote it when I was “2 + a bit (big difference)”.

How dare you leave me like this,

In this damaged shell?

How dare you leave me your life,

Your problems, your hell?

When I look in the mirror,

All I ever see

Is you and your pain

Staring back at me

But I will not be that person,

I will not run away.

This is my body, my life,

And I am here to stay.

- To Cherie, by Illisia Adams

- - - - 

Cherie signing a copy of the Eagle Award Nominated compilative comic book that she contributed to - Eleventh Hour - published by Orang Utan Comics, for whom she was writer, Sub-Editor and colourist.

In my defence, there is a lot to be jealous of. Cherie lived a very full life. Some might say she even lived a little too much, with her education, social life and career showing very distinctive indecisiveness. When I look at her Curriculum Vitae I see an amazing range of talents, but if I stop to think about it, I wonder more and more whether I should be jealous of such a person, who could never make her mind up who she was or what she wanted of her life.

"Honestly, if I could I would be a professional gamer, dancer, singer, television writer, comic book writer, film writer, librarian, photographer and radio presenter (the list could probably go on) all at once I would be! I do not like to be stuck down to one career or one hobby or one job, I want to have thirty bodies so I can do them all at once, or, in the real world I would like to be able to do one for a while, and then switch to another. Variety is the spice of life, after all!" - Cherie Donovan, from her FaceBook Notes.

It is at this point that I remind myself of an “Illi invention” that I think will allow me to live a very full life, but not an indecisive one. I do not yet know exactly what I want to do with my life or who I want to be, but in my defense I am still very young and I think that for a three-year-old I am doing rather well. This invention will allow me to explore my options more, but also to stay grounded.

The invention of which I speak is what I call “The Living List”. It is similar to a “Bucket List”, but it is far more positive. It is about living life, not about preparing for death. Every thing on my Living List is completely plausible as well, so none of this “climb Mount Everest” poppycop**.

I am only three years old so the Living List also allows me to experience things that other (physically I am) adults have long-since done. Things as simple as swinging on a swing and singing a nursery rhyme, or watching a sun rise.

- - - -

This is my hand holding a baby crab. This was not some thing on my Living List, but rather that "just-happened", but it truly fulfilled my life.  Mark [Sutton] and I were exploring the Margate beach one night and found this little beauty. A truly wonderous experience!

The Living List was an idea that I originally envisioned after I moved to Margate with my then-boyfriend Mark [Sutton]. We were very happy together at the time (even considering a lot of the negative things that had happened between us) and we would add things to my Living List as often as we would “check them off” of it. Our brave, life-changing move across the country was exciting and every thing here was new and different and wonderful and the Living List just made it all the better.

I would encourage each and every one of you to make a Living List. Write down a list of things that you have not experienced in your life, or perhaps include things that you have not done in recent memory, since you were young; things that, when you do them, will enrich your day and put a smile on your face.

- - - -

One of the first photographs I ever took,
after my first-ever ride on a swing.

With regards to my future and goals, I have been a photographer and journalist of sorts for the last couple of years and truly thought that it was what I would pursue professionally, but due to the "mild sexual assault"*** I suffered from last year I have barely been able to write articles nor shoot photographs since then, no matter how I try. My passion for both has, it would appear, been lost. I hope to find it again some day, but in the meanwhile, I am looking in to my education options and checking things off of my Living List.

I am going to try to live each day to its fullest, and just see what happens, and I encourage others to take a similar stance. Life is too short - (trust me I know; I had twenty-three years of it stolen from me) - to worry about the future or the past. Live for the NOW!

- - - - 

* Or rather, six weeks ago's

** Illi-speak for “rubbish”
*** To be discussed at a later date.

Quite Interesting... + Ask Me Anything!

Due to being very sick throughout the weekend, there has been a delay in the planned post which discusses the what-where-when-who circumstances for Cherie's disappearance/death.

I apologise for this, but I am only human, after all, and prone to illness.

I am instead taking this opportunity to do a bullet-pointed list with some interesting facts and figures about the two of us, and our differences and similarities.

FACTS ABOUT US

• Cherie – aka “Cher” - 's real name as written on her Birth Certificate on August 25^th 1987, was Cherie-Louise Donovan.
• At different points in her life she had many different careers. She has been a webcast host, a “booth babe” model/cosplayer at conventions, a (published) comic book colourist and writer, an Editor, a journalist, a customer services person, a sales representative, an animal care assistant, a PR/Marketing specialist, and goodness knows what else! Her Curriculum Vitae is impressive!
• Cherie was working on a book that she was calling Just 'Cause that would feature much of her poetry and works of fiction. I am debating publishing it in her memory and giving all profits to a mental health charity.
• I have three “Birthdays” that I celebrate. August 25^th is the physical Anniversary of the birth of this body, June 01^st (2010) is the Anniversary of the date when Cherie “died” and gave birth to me, and November 01^st (2011) is the Anniversary of the day that I gave myself a name and chose to be my own person.
• November 01^st, 2012, is the date on which I legally changed my name to Illisia Adams.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN US

• My predecessor had a very vivid imagination, from an early age. In contrast, I struggle to picture anything in my mind other than what is directly in my view at any given point in time. I cannot even read novels and “picture” the characters, places and events, but rather simply process the information that I am reading.
• Cherie was a published author and poet. Personally, I have found that I have an inability to write works of fiction, or to rhyme, though I have tried both.
• Cherie could not whistle, no matter how many people tried to teach her. I learned to whistle within weeks, and it came naturally with no need to be taught.
• I adore spicy foods and alcohol, whereas in contrast Cherie hated the “burning” sensation that both gave her, and avoided any food or drink in either category whenever possible.
• Cherie was a “lacto-ovo vegetarian” (there are many different types) throughout most of her life, until 2009-2010 when she became a meat and fish eater again. I am also a meat eater, but I will only eat meat and fish that I know is free range or “responsibly sourced”, etc, due to my ethics.
• Completely different taste in music.
• She spoke quite commonly with slang, etc, whereas I am "posh" (as my friends put it).
• At school Cherie was analysed as being dyslexic, whereas – as far as I can tell - I am not. This is possibly because I have been using Lumosity and studying hard with books, etc, from an early age, whereas she spent most of her academic years living in a fantasy world, which limited her mental development. Interestingly, dyslexia is a learning difficulty that is caused by a physical problem with the brain, but my dedication to academics may have helped me overcome that, or she may have been inaccurately diagnosed.
• Cherie considered herself to be a “Pagan-Christian”, some one who believed in “The One True God” and Jesus Christ, but who also believed in worshipping the Sun and the Earth as though they are Gods, celebrated the “Solstices”, did spells, etc. I was initially of this belief, during The First Year, after which I decided that I wanted to explore various faiths before deciding which I wanted to follow. After attending Alpha Course in 2013 at New Life Family Church in Margate, I decided to be simply Christian and study the teachings of The Holy Bible and attend Church whenever I can.

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN US

• I share Cherie's passion for photography. She only had her camera for less than a year when she died, though, whereas I have pretty much been using it since a few weeks into my life, so it is like second-nature to me.
• She and I can both be classed as “geeks” and/or “nerds”. Cherie classed herself as a “gerd”, a name that she invented for someone who is half-geek, half-nerd, and more geek than nerd. By her definition, this would make me a “neek”, someone who is more nerd than geek.
• Manners. From what I can tell, Cherie's parents raised her to say “please” and “thank you”, to open doors for others, etc. I have always been polite, even before I learned to speak.

ASK ME ANYTHING!

I am going to use this week's post to encourage readers to post Comments with questions for me to consider answering.

Be you a friend or family member of my predecessor, a friend or associate of mine, or be you someone who has simply stumbled upon my Blog, I would like to hear from you.

All are welcome; I only ask that you be civil. Comments will be Moderated.

God Bless you all!

Thank you.

Getting Physical

Post by Cherie Donovan.

There are many advantages, and disadvantages, to being born into an adult's body. I have discussed much of the mental journey that I have had to take, but after a visit to the dentist this week, I think it is time I talk about the physicalities of this re-birth of mine. This also gives me an opportunity to write something a little more light-hearted in amongst the difficult topics.

Cherie's medical history is a very complex one, and I must say, it has been a struggle to live with. Most of her mental faults left this body when she did, but any physical faults became mine.

From the day that I was born, for instance, I have had a damaged knee that often throbs with pain, and struggles to function. There are many things that most children – or adults – are able to enjoy that I cannot. Walking is a difficulty, let alone swimming, which is some thing that I can sadly only dream about experiencing.

- - - - 

A photograph taken at the hospital in 2009 after Cherie fell out of bed in the night and on top of  her exercise bike and various belongings below, breaking/spraining her nose and covering herself in bruises.

- - - - 

The doctors seem utterly clueless, no matter how many that I visit with the issue. On the flip-side, however, the damage does come with an amusing back-story... She fell under a bus. Seriously.

- - - -

In her early teenage years my predecessor on a day off from school (reason unknown, it was likely a School Holiday) was in Bexleyheath Town Centre with our mother. They were to journey home via the use of public transport – [the] bus - but after a few stops it became clear that the vehicle was far too crowded and noisy, so they decided to exit and wait a while for an emptier, quieter bus. Upon stopping, mother was able to vacate, but Cherie was not.

Due to the sheer number and noise level of the people on the bus, the driver did not realise that she had not exited and wanted to do so, choosing to close the door, when she was halfway out – and in – of it. This meant that half Cherie's body was hanging outside of the bus, and half clinging to the inside, as the driver began to accelerate...

Were it not for mother's fast-thinking, keeping ahold of her daughter and screaming at the driver for help, I may not be writing this today, because this body would have fallen underneath the wheels. The driver did open the door, but did not decelerate. Mother saved our life, having already given birth to it.

- - - -

My teeth in the state that my predecessor left them
aka my "Before" I went to the dentist this week.

My "after" shot. You can see how the dentist has filled and whitened, etc.
A huge improvement! My apologies for the low quality of this one. 

- - - -

That incident was of course not Cherie's fault, but rather the driver's. Her teeth, however, were, as I discovered, quite mistreated during her lifetime, and as a result I have had to visit the dentist half-a-dozen times within the last couple of years, the most recent trip for which I lay awake for an hour for drilling, whitening and fillings. It was an uncomfortable experience to-say-the-least, but completely necessary, given all the damage she left through years of forgetfulness, poor diet (full of sugar) and of course, the dreaded “can't be asked” excuse.

- - - -

Photographs of me at event "The BFG" (aka "The Big Friendly Gathering") hosted by my parents in 2011, where I learned that Cherie had left me with some skills that I had not until then known about... (Wearing a knee support and with a walking stick to help me cope with the disabled knee)

- - - -

It is not all negative, however. There have been many occasions where “muscle memory” occurs and I discover that this body – and therefore I – has talents that I was unaware of, or was aware of but never tried.

Her friends inform me that Cherie often told people that she “[knew] five different martial arts” and that she could “kick everyone's ass”, but how true this is, I do not know. I can tell you matter-of-factually that I have some ability to kick, punch, and use some (training) weaponry that she left in her flat, but I actually think that she was exaggerating somewhat because it seems quite limited. Of course, that might be because of my physical disability, being “out-of-practice”, and being a naturally very peaceful person.

- - - -

- - - - 

Another positive is her singing voice. Sadly I lack her confidence (a personality trait I envy) so I never sing in public (where as she did), but I have recently taken to recording and publishing songs via the use of the karaoke service 'SingSnap' because it was on my Living List*.

Interestingly, there are also recordings on this website under Cherie's name which I recorded during “The First Year”; in fact, my first few months of life. It is quite interesting to listen to both sets of recordings and compare. I can really hear the pain in my voice in the 2010 recordings; I think that I was still very much in-tune, emotionally, to my “twin”. One of her “orders” that she left inside my mind was to record Because Of You by the artist Kelly Clarkson - some thing that she had always wanted to do but never quite “got around to” - because it was a song that “hit-home” for her quite powerfully, reflecting her past** and how it affected her present.

It is a shame that she did not record any songs during her life time, though. I would have liked to have truly compared us. As-is, I can still hear a difference between the singing voice that I had in my early life, when I was still “in transition” (as I put it) to how I sing today, now that I have a well established, unique personality to hers.

You can hear similarities, definitely, but we/I also sound very different. I think that I have more control over my emotions now and do not let them show in my singing, and – possibly because I practice often – my over-all range of notes is superior. I am definitely much softer, as well. She had a very “gritty” voice from what people tell me.

Cherie's SingSnap Profile

My SingSnap Profile

- - - -

Post by Illisia Adams.

- - - - 

So, it is a shame that I was born into some one else's body and therefore into its faults rather than that of my own, but, then again, I am also grateful for some of the interesting things that this body has “learned” that I am discovering as I live my life. Having a "hot bod" (as others have put it) is also not a bad thing, certainly.

Whether the positives will out-weigh the negatives, or whether I will be able to rid myself of those negatives through trial and error at visits to medical professionals, remains to be seen...

For now, I am simply grateful to even be here at all, in this world, and for this I must thank Cherie (of course), her mother and father, and, as aforementioned, the people that helped me grow in to who I am today.

- - - -

* A concept that helps me catch-up on the years of life that I have missed through living experiences that many people do when they are young, or take for granted, etc. I shall discuss this in depth at a later date.

** To be discussed at a later date.

The First Year: Part Three: Recovery & Development

Please note: This is a direct continuation from The First Year: Part One and Part Two

- - - -

I made Cherie's New Eltham flat feel like a home. Here you can see her impressive DVD collection
that was left to me, and how I showcased family memorabilia to remind me of my roots.

- - - -  

Mark pleaded with me to take him back, but I told him that our relationship was never real, that it was based on lies, deception and feelings that were never truly mine. I insisted that if he truly wanted to be with me, he would have to tell Maryanne the truth about his no longer being in love with her, end their engagement, and then get-to-know me for me, not just wanting me because I have the face of the woman he cared for, but because he wants me.

- - - -

It was at this point that I decided to spend more time exploring who I wanted to be, and pursue my growing feelings for Tommy-Lee by spending more time with him. He may not have been “my Amy Pond”, but he was still there for me the day that I was “born” and unlike Mark, always seemed to see me when he looked at me, rather than Cherie, perhaps because he and Cherie were never romantically involved. He made me feel unique, which meant the world to me.

I also took the time to get-to-know Maryanne (as priorly mentioned) and Hayley, another friend from the prior life, who became like sisters to me. Maryanne was shy, quiet and kind, and in contrast Hayley had a very social, perky personality and was always full of life, although both had big, warm, open hearts. This meant that I had a chance to see many different aspects of womanhood, of the female personality, if-you-will, so rather than “copy” what I saw, I was able to pick-and-choose what I liked about both my friends and use them for inspiration as I developed myself. I owe them both much to who I am today.

- - - - 

Hayley (left) and I (right)

- - - -

I still held on to Cherie's name and tried to live her life, attending many parties hosted by her friends, playing on her Xbox 360 games console leading her Gaming Clan into battle in her sted, trying to get her business Dark Raven Productions off-the-ground, but after my experience being locked away for three months in that house, I spent less time in Dartford with the prior life, and more time in New Eltham, developing my own.

I would often insist that any visitors come to New Eltham to see me, rather than me to Dartford to see them, for fear of a repeat scenario, and I confess, because I had developed a nasty case of agoraphobia after my captivity. This did, however, give me the freedom to explore my predecessor's home and belongings, which made me realise that although I shared her face, I shared very little else. I listened to her music and wore her clothes, but found that the clothing felt “wrong” and the music was so loud and angry that I really disliked it.

- - - - 

Maryanne visiting me at my New Eltham residency, playing with the
training (plastic) sai weaponry that Cherie left there.

- - - -

"He often saw me, when I never could." - regarding Tommy-Lee

Tommy-Lee and Mark both visited me and made their romantic intentions toward me clear. Mark insisted that although he missed Cherie, he wanted to encourage me to be my own person. I never truly believed him, however, because he was still working with me to create Dark Raven Productions and still encouraged me to use Cherie's name and wear her clothing, etc. Tommy-Lee, in contrast, told me much about my predecessor and taught me that I did not have to follow in her footsteps, that I could develop my own tastes in music, my own style in dress, my own hobbies and interests. He often saw me, when I never could.

In retrospect, I wish that I had pursued my growing feelings toward Tommy-Lee, rather than allow the “residue feelings” for Mark to win over me. But, I also know that one should never have any regrets. Every decision that we make and every thing that we do in life brings us to who we are today, so if we regret one moment of our past, we show negativity toward who we are now, which is not the case with me. I am very proud of who I am today, and therefore hold to no regrets.

- - - -

Mark and I with friends at the Euro Gamer Expo 2011, shortly after I "came out" with my new name and developed personality. By this point I had chosen to be with Mark, and as you can see from this photograph, we were (relatively) happy together, although you can also see how protective/controlling he was of me, always holding on to me.

- - - - 

I chose to pursue a relationship with Mark, even against my better judgement, knowing full well that he had abused me. Love – even if it is not your own* – can be a powerful blinder to the facts. Sadly, this decision meant that Tommy-Lee and I slowly grew apart. He moved out of the home that he shared with Mark, Maryanne and Matt, and we have barely seen nor spoken to one another since.

I think that the reason why I chose Mark over Tommy-Lee was a mix between the confused passionate love* that my predecessor had for him as opposed to more basic feelings that I was developing with time for Tommy-Lee “winning-out”, and the fact that three months in captivity with Mark had left me suffering from withdrawal symptoms and reliability on him that I think would be described by mental health professionals as Stockholm Syndrome...

- - - -

I am, even now, years later, still suffering from that Syndrome. There will be days when I literally cannot stop thinking about Mark, even if I am in love with some one else and even after he raped me and at one point literally tried to kill me**. It is a very serious condition that takes a lot of strength to recover from, and I am still working towards recovery, even now.

Victims of kidnapping and domestic abuse often suffer from this very serious mental illness, and my heart goes out to all the men and women in the world who are suffering with me. You can recover. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, even if some days that tunnel seems to be long...

It is like recovering from an addiction. You have to keep reminding yourself of the bad times, rather than thinking about how good the thing that you are addicted to made you feel, and you must persevere against your want to return to that addiction and realise that you do not need it to survive.

- - - -

Tommy-Lee did have a lasting effect on me, however, even after we parted ways, because it was his guidance that led to my exploration of my sense of self. It was he that taught me that I could be who ever that I wanted to be, and ultimately he who encouraged me to re-vamp my wardrobe to develop my own style, vary my intake of books, music and television to develop my own “taste”, and, when I was ready, to abandon Cherie's life and choose my own name.

I may have chosen to give my heart to Mark, but the development of my soul – what makes me, me – happened as a result of spending time with my two “sisters” Maryanne and Hayley, and my what-could-have-been, Tommy-Lee.

“Illisia Adams” was born because of the love and support of these three very special people. Only one of them now remains in my life - Maryanne - but the other two will forever be a part of me. I (figuratively) owe them my life.

- - - -

*This “love” was in fact “residue feelings” left over from my predecessor, as priorly discussed.

**An incident to be discussed at a later date.
NB: Interestingly enough, I can find no photographs of myself and Mark together as a couple, just-us, nor of myself and Tommy-Lee, nor or myself and Maryanne and Hayley. Although I shall of course continue looking...

- - - - 

Fin.

The First Year: Part Two: Captivity

Please note that this is a direct continuation from The First Year: Part One.

- - - - 

The house where I was born (right side) in Dartford, and
where I spent three months locked away in captivity.

Mark and Maryanne lived in a Christian-run household with two other house-mates; Tommy-Lee* and Matt*. The house was let to them by their Church in Dartford, Kent, for those in need, much like the YMCA or a homelessness charity. I technically held a tenancy in New Eltham in South East London, but I spent more time during my first year at their household than at mine.

Tommy-Lee was very much a “lady's man” who I can best draw comparitive with Barney from the television sitcom How I Met Your Mother, often claiming he could “have any woman [he] wants” and although he was of the Christian faith, he often sinned and jested that “God would forgive [him] anyway” as long as he said sorry. Matt, in contrast, was a quiet (although he enjoyed loud, angry music), secluded individual with a very private past.

- - - - 

All the members of the household were friends with my predecessor and – as I am sure you can imagine – they struggled with the change from her to me. They were all well aware of Cherie's past battles with mental health, not least which the fact that at one point she had multiple personalities, so it was not too far a stretch for them to understand what had happened, but I think that (initially) they wanted her back.

As the months passed however, I think it became clear that their friend (and lover, in Mark's case) would not return, and they helped me develop my social skills, showed me the world, and encouraged me to become my own person. I grew particularly close to Tommy-Lee, who told me that he himself had struggled with his sense of identity, and in all honesty, I found him to be warm and charming, which was confusing for me, given the contradicting “residue feelings” (as I called them) of love that I had for Mark left over from Cherie's lifetime which were not truly mine.

- - - - 

My residency in New Eltham

- - - - 

I often visited the house, because it felt more like a home to me than the residence that I was legally supposed to reside in, given the fact that it was where I was “born”, and where the only people that I actually knew, lived. The Church that rented them the house had very strict rules, however, which were broken on a regular basis for my presence. Firstly, no one was allowed to visit after ten in the evening. Secondly, no intimate relations. Both these rules were broken repeatedly by Mark when he – quite literally – decided to invite me over for a visit and then not let me leave for a grand total of three months...

During these three months of captivity I spent most of my time literally locked inside Mark's bedroom, which was very small. I felt like I was in a cage; I was only able to leave the room or the house with his accompaniment, and even then, very rarely. I played computer games, listened to music (he had a vast collection of bootleg MP3s on his computer so I had much to choose from), danced and generally surfed the internet when alone, and when in his company, I was often used for sex**.

I became utterly dependent on my captor for every thing that I needed in life - for food, clothing and socialising (etc) – to the point where when I was finally released, I had lost what little independence I had developed and I had a nasty case of agoraphobia. He used me like a play-thing for all that time and I also lived in constant fear of being discovered by his landlords, who would on visit without warning to inspect the property and, were I found, there would be consequences. It was a big, nasty blow on my development.

- - - -

Mark and Maryanne, engaged, 2009.

- - - - 

There was a positive side-effect of my time in captivity, however, because the more time that I spent at their household with the four of them, the more that I began to realise my relationship with Mark was unethical - that it would hurt Maryanne if she knew – and the more it felt wrong, so I ended our secret “relationship” when I finally insisted on my freedom and walked out that door.

This was a big, big step for me towards becoming who I am today. That was when I realised that I did not have to follow instructions, be they Cherie's that she left in her mind, Mark's that he gave me to sleep with him and keep it secret, or any one else's. I could make my own choices and live my own life.

It was at this point that I decided that I could leave his home and return to mine, without fear of reprimand. That I did not need him...

- - - - 

*I am keeping their last names secret.

**As aforementioned in The First Year: Part One, I consider this to be rape.

- - - - 

To be continued next week in the third and final part... The First Year: Part Three: Recovery & Development.

The First Year: Part One: Living The Lie

My name was not always Illisia*. For my first year-or-so in this world, I spent much of my time pretending to be Cherie, and living her life instead of my own.

I had been told by her friends and family that I was her, and I had a list of “instructions”, if-you-will, in my mind, left by my predecessor. She wanted me to mend her broken relationships with her family and to launch her business model (a very complex idea for a unique publishing company she dubbed Dark Raven Productions which combined written media with visual and audio media). It was not an easy feat, but I tried my best, I truly did.

From June 1st 2010 when I first “awoke” I kept her name and I lived her life for upwards of a year. I spent time with her friends, listened to her music, wore her clothing, and even used her many notes, start-up funding and contacts in the industry to try and launch her publisher. None of it ever felt quite “right”, though. I felt like I was acting a part in a play; it felt like I was lying.

- - - -

The 'Dark Raven Productions' logo

- - - - 

It so happened that I was also a rather terrible liar and actress. Several of my predecessor's friends had their suspicions, and one in particular - David [D] - saw directly through me. We met for an All-You-Can-Eat Chinese with her [boy]friend Mark [Sutton] and Teresa [Born] and after a while, David and I spoke privately and he blatantly asked me who I was, because I sure as heck was not Cherie! I look at that day with great fondness because David and I have been fast-friends ever since and he has been one of the most steady things in my life, although I also have great sadness because that was the last time I ever saw Teresa, who shortly thereafter decided she no longer wanted to be friends.

I made a terrible Cherie, but I think I make a wonderful Illisia. So, on November 1^st 2011 - what I now celebrate as being my “Re-Birthday” (that I proudly celebrate each year) - I made the decision to develop my own personality, my own life, and I gave myself a name*. On November 8^th I made an announcement on her FaceBook Profile, stating:

"THIS ACCOUNT IS NO LONGER IN USE. Cherie left some months ago, we do not know where she went, without saying goodbye. We have left it open for her friends to leave her messages, etc, in case she can read them from wherever she is, or for if she ever returns. Thank you." 

Myself (left), Mark (center) and Hayley (right), celebrating my Re-Birthday together

- - - -

That “first year” though, was a difficult one, full of mistakes and pain, although I do of course have very fond memories of it as well.

As any child, I needed to learn about life by living it, but what is most difficult about being born into an adult's body with no memories** is that you have not been brought up by your parents, not been to school, etc, and therefore have no social skills and no sense of right or wrong, among other things. It did not take long for me to “remember” how to speak and write (muscle memory, perhaps?) but learning what is acceptable to say or do in polite society is something else entirely, especially when you are trying to be someone else; someone who is only human and therefore has their faults, which in Cherie's case included the fact that she was having an affair with her best friend Maryanne's fiancé, whom she was in love with.

Mark [Sutton] told me that he loved me and he made it very clear that our relationship was perfectly normal and acceptable and right in every way, only that we had to keep it a secret. Much like any child, I believed every thing that was said to me because of how innately trusting I was (and still am, admittedly). I also had no real understanding of love, relationships, or physical intimacy. These are things that you learn about through life experience, of which I had none. It was because of this that the affair continued for many months, during which time Mark and I had intercourse practically on a daily basis.

Cherie and Mark at the 'Grand International Cosplay Ball' back in 2009, after they had began their affair.

Hayley (left), Maryanne (center) and Cherie, at Maryanne's surprise Birthday Party in 2010.

- - - -

When you have sex with someone who does not understand what sex is and therefore does not understand the concept of virginity and consent, and you are completely aware of this, are you not therefore committing rape? When I look back on those early days and the experiences I had with him, I feel violated. My trust was violated, as was my body.

But then, I do wonder if from Mark's perspective things were very different. He had, after all, been sleeping with my predecessor for months before I took her body as my own. That said, secret affairs when you are engaged to be married are widely regarded as wrong, and when you know that a person has the mental age of a child and has no memories, etc and you are in a position of trust and power over them, are you not therefore also aware that what you are doing is wrong? That makes two wrongs, and we all know that two wrongs never make a right... You may each draw your own conclusions.

In retrospect, I sometimes wish that I had, once I developed an understanding of these very adult things, told Mark that I no longer wanted anything to do with him and moved on with my life***, or that I had the courage to report him to the authorities.

I refer you back to my earlier comparative of myself to The Doctor from Doctor Who, however. Matt Smith's Doctor sits next to his Companion Amy Pond in the series seven episode The Power Of Three and tells her that he never wants to let her go “Because you were the first. The first face this face saw. And you were seared onto my hearts, [Mark Sutton]. Always will be.”, which reminds me of how I felt – and still feel, even after all he has done to me – about him.

Mark and I remained on-and-off partners and friends during which time we had many “ups-and-downs”, many happy memories and many painful ones, and although we have now parted ways, he will always be my Amy Pond, and I his Doctor.

- - - -

* Interestingly enough, the name 'Illisia' I later discovered was a name often used by Cherie in her fiction that she wrote as a child.

** Although I later developed an ability to have limited access to her memories.

*** It was only last year, 2014, that I managed to do this.

- - - - 

To be continued in The First Year: Part Two: Captivity and The First Year: Part Three: Recovery & Development