What Defines Me? (The Consequences Of A Rash Choice: Part Two)

I have been struggling for weeks now, to find my words. I am not sure I have even found them yet. But, I promised a friend that I would try, so here I am, typing away and just hoping that my heart can speak through my typing fingers.

I am struggling, because I made a choice that I think the best way to describe would be that I am regretting. I am unaccustomed to feeling regret. One of the things that makes me, me, is the fact that I have a strict "No regrets. Ever.” policy. What do you do? How do you move on when something in your life has changed the very foundations of your identity?

The Consequences Of A Rash Choice

 I am not happy. But I am trying to be.

Five months ago, to-the-day, I made a very, very rash decision, and one that I shall have to deal with the consequences of – for good or bad, better or worse – for the rest of my life.

My ex-fiance, Robert-James, proposed marriage to me. Not the “real” kind with rings and a Church and a certificate, however. The “old-fashioned kind”, where it is just the two of us, saying our vows, dedicating our lives to one-another, and living as man and wife. So, we ran away together and eloped. Sort-of.

How Neil Gaiman Saved My Life

“My name is Illisia Adams, and I am four years old.”* are the words that originally formed the beginning of this Post. However, I am now almost seven. Two years have past, and here I am, still trying to compose the words from my heart and my head into something readable for you all.

Having nearly died again last year, however, and Mr Gaiman being one of the things that pulled me through my hospital stay and the weeks that past, yet again (for the third – and hopefully final – time) I truly feel like it is “now or never”; so, without further adue…

[Please note: I must forewarn that this Post discusses my depression and attempts at suicide and may be upsetting for some readers - especially new ones - but is intended to be positive, over-all. Proceed with caution]

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Neil Gaiman. Author, and Illi-life-saver.