A Powerful Poem, and Gratitude To Loved Ones

It has been a very stressful time of late, and although I am doing well in some ways, I am doing poorly in others. As an example, though I am "getting out more" and making friends, Mark and Kirsty mind my medications for me as a precaution, and the past couple of days I have suffered from a case of "selective mutism", where I have an inability to speak due to a tightening of my throat when under extreme stress.

My "record" - if you can call it that - is three months without so much as a "ouch" or a meow at my cat, and no attempt to even write with pen and paper or sign language. This was an extreme case, however, due to overwhelming emotional trauma. So far this time it has been two days...

The key to recovery and the return of my voice to its active state is to relax and forget my worries. This is, of course, easier-said-than-done...

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Jacob and kitty Scratch cuddling in
the living room on one of his visits

With this in mind, I sent Poppy pup away for a few days, and my new "bestie"* Jacob made much effort to raise my spirits but to no avail, so we decided that a day at the Noobz Gaming Lounge (where I have become a regular) might help. The original plan was actually a day trip to Brighton with my ex-fiance Robert-James**, but due to medical emergency he had to stay home.

I was very, very nervous about visiting Noobz because although I have grown very fond of the establishment, its propriator, staff and visitors, I do not know any of them particularly well and a lot of people can "freak out" about my mutism when they encounter it or get snappy with me insisting that I stop "blanking them", etc, as it is a very rare medical condition, and even rarer in adults. Now pair this with my proper nature and not wanting to make people uncomfortable...

So, to "test-the-waters", "so-to-speak", I sent Noobz a message, and it follows below, along with their lovely reply. (You can tell how nervous I was due to the lack of paragraphing and various errors!)

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I dressed smart-casual (/"prim, proper and prudish" is the usual descript), got a taxi, went for a brief shop for a treat (***), and walked through Noobz doors with bated breath... 

There were quiet, hidden tears, frequent uncontrollable shakes, lots of amusing attempts at communicating through mime, a ridiculous amount of embarrassment... but most of all, there was love. I felt so much warmth and kindness from every person in that place, even those who did not even know my name, and I honestly cannot thank them enough for that. As I type this, I am literally having to wipe a tear of happiness so that I can see my laptop screen.

 < - - - To the left is a video that I recorded live (with a small delay between visual and audio) after my shave, where I discuss spending my Birthday alone but surrounded by strangers. I can literally see myself holding back my lonely tears... But Noobz - and new friend Jacob - took care of me and made me feel not so bad.

Noobz has actually unintentionally been there for me at my highest, and lowest points. My "Brave The Shave" was the most important, brilliant experience of my life and I spent it alone, but with the Noobz. In contrast, after I nearly died trying to end my own life, I made the decision to revisit the gaming lounge, I became a member, I made friends, and my mental, emotional and physical states began to improve. It has been a big part of my recovery.

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Jacob, Joshua (a member of staff and now friend)
and I bought every one a huge feast!

Once again, with my mutism, Noobz are guiding me through recovery. If we fast-forward to the end of the day, I can tell you that I have uttered an occasional word and even managed a sentence-or-two, all-be-it very, very quietly... I think if I continue visits over the next few days, I might de-stress enough to regain my speech.

And, I also wrote - as the title of this post suggests - a poem. I must aforewarn you that it is a very, very powerful one, but once again, the fact that I was able to write this during my time at Noobz means that I am reaching a depth of understanding of what I went through that will, again, truly help me move onwards and upwards, post-hospitalisation. It clearly reveals some pent anger and upset towards certain individuals who were not there for me during the time the poem speaks of, and those people know who they are... (You are of course forgiven.)

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I nearly died,
I broke inside,
You were not there. 

You broke my heart,
I fell apart,
You did not care. 

When I was breathless,
You could not care less,
It was not fair. 

I was all alone,
Heart turned to stone,
You did not even phone. 

Recovered now; moving on,
Near-death made me strong;
"So long!"

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In conclusion, I want to extend my heart-felt thanks to Mark, Kirsty, Jacob and every single staff member and gamer at Noobz that has shown me kindness and helped me through good times and bad. When I took those pills almost two months ago, all I could think was "no one loves me" and I was "not good enough", but now I feel the very opposite.

For all my friends, I need every one of you to know how much you are appreciated. Life is precious and fleeting and you need to know that I love you all very much and you mean the world to me. You are my family. If you ever need me, I am here for you.

Oh, and if you are reading this and you live in or are "passing through" Margate, I cannot recommend a visit to Noobz highly enough. A fun place, and good people.

NB: You can watch the video of my "Brave The Shave" fundraiser that I did with Noobz back in August over on my YouTube Channel (see above), and if you are inspired, please do donate to the cause! Thank you.

* We have known each-other since my Birthday fundraiser on August 25th. We instantly clicked because we have so much in common and the same kind of difficulties with socialising, confidence, etc.
** What happened between Robert-James and I is something else that I need to "cover" on my Blog, and I shall do in due time, but all you need presently know is that we are on good terms.
*** When I am brave and go outside alone, I often treat myself as an incentive. Going into town alone, "speaking" (with miming) to strangers and being outdoors when I have no voice all deserve a big treat, I thought!

The Importance Of Being Illisia

Much has happened since I last contributed to this Blog. Too much… I honestly had no clue where to start with “catching every one up” after my absence, but after a lot of thinking, I find a common theme between many of the events that have occurred, and that theme is me.

Now, I know that when writing an auto-biographical Blog, the theme is always going to be me*, but what I am writing about today is more specific than that. It is about my identity, my “sense of self”, what makes me, me.

So, without further ado, I am going to rewind time to just after my last Blog post, when I visited my local comic book convention – Kaoticon – against my better judgement, facing my fears and attempting professionalism** above personal difficulties…

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I shall likely go into more detail in another post, but the convention experience can be “summed-up” thusly; my heart spent almost the entire day racing and feeling a “burning” sensation, I spent the first half-hour of my time at the event locked away in the lavatory until Mark [Sutton, housemate and friend] came to fetch me and convince me to leave, and I did not get a chance to speak with Ian [Sharman] (ex-boyfriend of my predecessor and professional comic book writer, hence he was a Guest at the event) as he left rather early-on due to the seemingly failed nature of the convention.

However, I did do many interviews and take many photographs for journalistic purposes, and finally, I was able to speak with one David Birchington who wrote Brodie’s Law, a comic book for which Cherie was a “booth babe” and fan.  Over-all, the day left me feeling uncomfortable and confused, but also relieved that I “did it”, that I faced Cherie’s past “head-on” and survived to “tell the tale”, “so-to-speak”...

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Now fast-forward a week, and I am visiting Leeds to see two very old friends of mine who I have a very complex history with… They get their own post, so now is not the time, but needless-to-say the whole experience was a minefield of emotions, both positive (mostly) and negative.

Prior to leaving for Leeds, I had a huge disagreement with my two housemates, a nervous breakdown – the first I have had in upwards of two years – and no sleep. Due to this, I failed to order my prescription of pain killers and anti-depressants for the week away, which left me in pain, and suffering from withdrawal…

Withdrawal from anti-depressants of this strength causes vast changes in behaviour and many symptoms that did nor priorly exist before being prescribed the medicine. For me, this meant paranoia, delusions, lots of tears, yelling, swearing, snapping, insults and all manner of most uncharacteristically Illi-ish actions that I am not proud of.

This withdrawal and the fight prior to my departure meant that I had yet more arguments via digital messaging with my housemates, so when I returned “home” to their residency, I had “switched-off my voice” (“selective mutism”) and become practically unbearable to be around. Frustrated with everything and not realising why, I became desperate…

- - - -

… So, I walked to the local shop and purchased much alcohol, which I promptly consumed, and when that did not make me feel better, I ran away from home. Literally. The pain was extreme, but I did not care. I ran and ran until I could no longer run for breathlessness, and then I continued walking… Without shoes, coat, purse, identification, walking stick(s), or voice, I marched for what appears to be almost six miles.

I walked down pitch-black alleyways, through unlit parks, I considered killing myself several times via jumping from a bridge or some-such, and I even went to a pub and attempted to “pull” a stranger for a passing sexual encounter. My heart rushed and my head spun the entire duration. I was lost, confused, scared, and alone…

At one point in my journey all I could think of was “find Robert” so when I got to Ramsgate I headed to where I knew he presently resides, but – presumably due to my mental and physical state – I took several “wrong turns” and found myself sitting on a bench in a strange area, crying, shaking (with mental stress, and from the cold!) and utterly vulnerable…

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My feet, when I returned home.

Thankfully, two pleasant lady strangers saw I was in distress, and called the police, who promptly took me home. The policeman (and woman) on duty had encountered me before, when I reported a crime in progress, so they knew where to take me, even though I could not remember myself where I needed to go. I had the vaguest recollection of where I legally resided, but I did not want to go there. I felt rejected, unloved, misunderstood, scared to be around my “friends” who I thought were turning against me… but having not found Robert and knowing no one else within miles, I had no choice but to return “home”.

- - - -

I wrote "not good enough" repeatedly all over my
arms and hands before my attempt at suicide

I was convinced that “no one [loved] me”, and continually uttered “why am I not good enough?”, citing my mother’s dislike of me and my ex-fiance Robert-James abandoning me and Poppy (our dog). This is actually something that I uttered repeatedly the last time that I tried to kill myself, so I have since reached the obvious conclusion that this is a big issue in my life and something that needs to be dealt with; my feeling of worthlessness, abandonment and being unloved…***

My mental and physical state and my maltreatment of my housemates led to an attempt at suicide. I “downed” a lot of pain killers**** right in front of Mark. Thankfully he was there, or I would have taken a lot, lot more. He promptly called an ambulance, and Kirsty spent the rest of the night taking care of me, helping me through the constantly being sick as a result of what I had done…

It was utterly terrifying. It was the lowest point of my life. I literally felt like I was dying, and I could have died, had Mark and Kirsty not been there… BUT, none of that was me. The stress that caused it was, but normally Illisia Adams has far more strength than to do such a thing to herself. The withdrawal meant I was not in my right mind, and my actions were not my own.

- - - -

Fast-forward yet another week, and my parents come to visit me in Margate, from London. I do not recall the last time that I saw either of them! I was very insistent that my father visit me after what had happened, and due to my utterances of “why doesn’t she love me?”, “why am I not good enough for her?” etc with relation to my mother, I was also adamant that his wife be present as well…

Unfortunately, as much as I desperately wanted her to tell me that she loved me, for us to be a family and for all that stress to disappear, what I did not “factor-in” was the fact that I was still in withdrawal. My anti-depressants were not yet arrived, and I was still not myself.

Now, normally my mother already dislikes me. She and I have never particularly “got-along”, but we have never had an argument, though things have always just been rather awkward. However, that is when I am me.

During her visit, I was blunt, aggressive, callous and uncaring. We had a huge fight, I lost my temper, I screamed and I threw things. My father tried to calm me, but in doing-so panicked me further and I bit him and drew blood. Yes, you read me correctly. Father wanted to take me home, but I then promptly called an ambulance, fully aware that I was once again feeling suicidal, and this time Mark and Kirsty were not indoors to stop me…

I was in hospital for upwards of twenty-four hours, I was alone, I did a lot of crying, and I had a lot of time to think…*****

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Having this breakdown, being at my lowest that I have ever, ever been, and having that “life flashing before your eyes” experience has given me a fresh perspective on life. I already considered every day to be precious, being aware that there are millions of people “worse-off” than I in the world and that, having been born into a twenty-something year-old, days must not be wasted… However, having been through what I went through, I now know who those who truly care about me are (on good days, and bad), what nastiness lies inside of me at my worst, what matters most to me in this world, and how important it is to continue to be the best version of myself that I can be.

I have met many people in my short time in this world, and although most of you have been kind and understanding of me, some have been less-so, with speeches about how I “stole” Cherie’s life, how I “killed” her, how I am “not good enough” (yes, that is probably where those mutterings that I mentioned earlier stem from…), and all manner of other unpleasantries. Even my own mother considers me – in her own words – to be “pompous” and “cold”, and this has filled me with the greatest of sadness.

In retrospect, however, having seen the worst possible version of myself, being “the anti-Illi”, I have never, ever been more proud of who I am today.

I could have chosen to be a bad person. Heck, having been through what I have been – kidnapping, sexual assault, burglary, stalking, etc – a lesser person would have given-in to the darkness and decided to “toughen-up” and be more like the persons who wronged her. This is what people have told me I should do, but I have never faltered. “Through thick and thin”, I am still here. Illisia Adams, aged “twenty-nine-but-kind-of-six-actually”, is a kind, honest, innocent******, down-right good person, and I never, ever want to change.

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NB: For one final note, I want to emphasise the importance of medication, therapy and other things that help those of us that suffer from mental illness. It was my fault that I did not re-order the prescription and that I suffered withdrawal as I did. Please, please do not let this happen to you, or any one that you know and care about. Make sure that you never go “cold turkey”, deliberately or accidentally. Always seek advice from your medical professionals if you want to cease treatment, or if you have any questions, etc. Thank you.