My name was not always Illisia*. For my first year-or-so in this
world, I spent much of my time pretending to be Cherie, and living
her life instead of my own.
I had been told by her
friends and family that I was her, and I had a list of
“instructions”, if-you-will, in my mind, left by my predecessor.
She wanted me to mend her broken relationships with her family and to
launch her business model (a very complex idea for a unique
publishing company she dubbed Dark Raven Productions which combined
written media with visual and audio media). It was not an easy feat,
but I tried my best, I truly did.
From June 1st 2010 when
I first “awoke” I kept her name and I lived her life for upwards
of a year. I spent time with her friends, listened to her music, wore
her clothing, and even used her many notes, start-up funding and
contacts in the industry to try and launch her publisher. None of it
ever felt quite “right”, though. I felt like I was acting a part
in a play; it felt like I was lying.
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 |
| The 'Dark Raven Productions' logo |
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It so happened that I
was also a rather terrible liar and actress. Several of my
predecessor's friends had their suspicions, and one in particular -
David [D] - saw directly through me. We met for an
All-You-Can-Eat Chinese with her [boy]friend Mark [Sutton] and Teresa
[Born] and after a while, David and I spoke privately and he
blatantly asked me who I was, because I sure as heck was not Cherie!
I look at that day with great fondness because David and I have been
fast-friends ever since and he has been one of the most steady things
in my life, although I also have great sadness because that was the
last time I ever saw Teresa, who shortly thereafter decided she no
longer wanted to be friends.
I made a terrible Cherie, but I think I make a wonderful Illisia. So, on November 1st
2011 - what I now celebrate as being my “Re-Birthday” (that I
proudly celebrate each year) - I made the decision to develop my own
personality, my own life, and I gave myself a name*. On November 8th
I made an announcement on her FaceBook Profile, stating:
"THIS ACCOUNT IS NO LONGER IN USE. Cherie left some months ago, we do not know where she went, without saying goodbye. We have left it open for her friends to leave her messages, etc, in case she can read them from wherever she is, or for if she ever returns. Thank you."
 |
| Myself (left), Mark (center) and Hayley (right), celebrating my Re-Birthday together |
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That “first year”
though, was a difficult one, full of mistakes and pain, although I do
of course have very fond memories of it as well.
As any child, I needed
to learn about life by living it, but what is most difficult about
being born into an adult's body with no memories** is that you have
not been brought up by your parents, not been to school, etc, and
therefore have no social skills and no sense of right or wrong, among
other things. It did not take long for me to “remember” how to
speak and write (muscle memory, perhaps?) but learning what is
acceptable to say or do in polite society is something else entirely,
especially when you are trying to be someone else; someone who is
only human and therefore has their faults, which in Cherie's case
included the fact that she was having an affair with her best friend
Maryanne's fiancé, whom she was in love with.
Mark [Sutton] told me
that he loved me and he made it very clear that our relationship was
perfectly normal and acceptable and right in every way, only that we
had to keep it a secret. Much like any child, I believed every thing
that was said to me because of how innately trusting I was (and still
am, admittedly). I also had no real understanding of love,
relationships, or physical intimacy. These are things that you learn
about through life experience, of which I had none. It was because of
this that the affair continued for many months, during which time
Mark and I had intercourse practically on a daily basis.
 |
| Cherie and Mark at the 'Grand International Cosplay Ball' back in 2009, after they had began their affair. |
 |
| Hayley (left), Maryanne (center) and Cherie, at Maryanne's surprise Birthday Party in 2010. |
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When you have sex with
someone who does not understand what sex is
and therefore does not understand the concept of virginity and
consent, and you are completely aware of this, are you not therefore
committing rape? When I look back on those early days and the
experiences I had with him, I feel violated. My trust was violated,
as was my body.
But then, I do wonder if from Mark's perspective
things were very different. He had, after all, been sleeping with my
predecessor for months before I took her body as my own. That said,
secret affairs when you are engaged to be married are widely regarded
as wrong, and when you know
that a person has the mental age of a child and has no memories, etc
and you are in a position of trust and power over them, are you not
therefore also aware that what you are doing is wrong? That makes two
wrongs, and we all know that two wrongs never make a right... You may
each draw your own conclusions.
In
retrospect, I sometimes wish that I had, once I developed an
understanding of these very adult things, told Mark that I no longer
wanted anything to do with him and moved on with my life***, or that
I had the courage to report him to the authorities.
I
refer you back to my earlier comparative of myself to The Doctor from
Doctor Who, however. Matt Smith's Doctor sits next to his Companion
Amy Pond in the series seven episode The Power Of Three and tells her
that he never wants to let her go “Because you were the first. The
first face this face saw. And you were seared onto my hearts, [Mark
Sutton]. Always will be.”, which reminds me of how I felt – and
still feel, even after all he has done to me – about him.
Mark and I remained
on-and-off partners and friends during which time we had many
“ups-and-downs”, many happy memories and many painful ones, and
although we have now parted ways, he will always be my Amy Pond, and
I his Doctor.
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* Interestingly enough,
the name 'Illisia' I later discovered was a name often used by Cherie
in her fiction that she wrote as a child.
** Although I later
developed an ability to have limited access to her memories.
*** It was only last
year, 2014, that I managed to do this.
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To be continued in The First Year: Part Two: Captivity and The First Year: Part Three: Recovery & Development
