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| Me cuddling my first-ever candyfloss at the Folkestone Jubilee Air Show back in 2012, looking innocent as always. |
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One of my more defining traits has always been my
innocence. People often call me “cute”, “sweet” and “naive”
and I have always held proud to these titles.
I have always looked at other adults and felt
somewhat sorry for them that they cannot see the world with the
purity and positivity that I do; that they are so often pessimistic,
crude-minded and serious. In contrast, I look at the world and see
its beauty and its wonder, I see the good in every one and every
thing, and to be honest, I have never wanted to “grow up” and
become part of the “real world” (as others have phrased it)
because I would feel like I was losing some thing that is very
precious and should be held onto tightly by any means.
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In contrast, however, this innocence I have has
also made me an outcast. I find myself being the center of many
jokes, more-often-than-not because “friends” use adult humour in
my presence and due to my naivety meaning that I do not “get” the
joke, they then laugh at me.
It is a most unpleasant feeling.
I also find that
I do not seem to “fit-in” to any one age group, which makes it
difficult to make friends, and to keep them. I am physically
twenty-seven years of age, I have the intelligence quotient,
lifestyle choices and “posh” speaking voice of some one three
times my age, and I have the spirit of a child, being as how I am sonew to this world.
I can hold a philosophical debate or discuss classical music with older people, go "clubbing" with people my age, and play games with toddlers who treat me like one of them***, and yet I feel empty somehow because I do not feel like I truly belong any where.
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Likely the most
consequential result of my innocent outlook on this world, however,
is how easy it is for others to hurt me and take advantage of me. On
one-hand, I am happy to have such an open heart to others and to be
so positive against all odds, but on the other-hand, I have been lied
to, robbed and even physically and sexually assaulted by those I
chose to trust, who were able to use what they knew about me, against
me.
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| I cannot always be "angelic", I "need to grow up" people tell me... Or can I find balance with both? Photograph and edit: Michael Hare |
My best friend
stole hundreds of pounds from me on my Birthday of
all days and I have not heard from her since*, my house-mate Mark
[Sutton] was well aware that if he spent his share of the rent and
bill money I would “cover it” and simply put it on our mental
“tab” because I was so nice*, and of course I have had several
men take advantage of my trust and innocence to abuse me sexually,
knowing that either I would not know what they were doing and would
not complain, that I would forgive them, or that I would not tell any
one.
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As much as I
cherish my innocence, I cannot hold on to it forever. Part of living
life is growing up. Each of us progresses through “stages” in our
lives, and I think that is is time enough for me to progress to the
next stage in mine.
I hope that I
shall always be a positive person and that I will always hold true to
my principles of kindness and always see the world in beautiful,
vibrant colours, etc, but it is time for me to intermix those factors
with more adult ones.
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| Robert and myself doing a webcam "selfie" |
I have decided
that this point in my life is what can only be described as my
“teenage stage”. I am experimenting with who I am, expanding my
social horizons, and even developing a fondness for alcoholic
beverages and romance. Even my new boyfriend [Robert] says that I
“giggle like a school girl” and act like I have never been in a
relationship before! Perhaps he is partially correct. Was I not ready
to share my life romantically with another person up until this
point, because I was not emotionally mature enough? It also helps
that I am now dating some one who is more my physical age**, not
long-since a teenager himself.
Robert has a
boyishness to him that pairs nicely with my IQ and my innocence and
is somewhat refreshing. He tells rude jokes, laughs at bodily
functions and enjoys partying and computer games (etc), often leading
me to jest that “[he is] such a boy!”,
and yet he is also intelligent, and has his whole life still ahead of
him, having barely left College. We have a healthy balance in our
relationship, with love, respect, equality, intellect and fun between us.
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With regards to
my priorly discussed love addiction, spiritual youth and recovery
from sexual assault, he has also been very supportive and
understanding. I feel like I am with him because I want
to be, not because I must
be, which is far healthier, he is open minded to my
spiritually-three-years-old plight and he is very happy to wait for
me to be ready for sex.
I am hoping that
– with Robert's help – I can progress, but also still be the
Illisia Adams that my friends know and love.
- - - -
* To be discussed
at a later date.
** I am
twenty-seven, he is twenty-four.
*** I think that perhaps they "sense" my spiritual age, that I am not simply a grown-up.
