I am not happy. But I am trying to be.
Five months ago, to-the-day, I made a very, very rash
decision, and one that I shall have to deal with the consequences of – for good
or bad, better or worse – for the rest of my life.
My ex-fiance, Robert-James, proposed marriage to me. Not the
“real” kind with rings and a Church and a certificate, however. The
“old-fashioned kind”, where it is just the two of us, saying our vows,
dedicating our lives to one-another, and living as man and wife. So, we ran
away together and eloped. Sort-of.
If you are a regular reader, you will know two very important
things that factored in to my decision. First is that I am a love addict, and
the second is that I nearly died last year.
The two of these things combined to make my desire for
marriage and children come to the forefront of my life. I was desperate to find
my One True Love and settle-down.
Robert-James and I left things very badly at the end of our
last relationship. We were engaged, but, thanks to many complicated reasons, I
lost my home and thousands of pounds of money because of him, and although I myself
forgave him, he could not forgive himself, so one day, he told me that he
needed some space and time apart, and then I did not see nor hear from him for
several months. We never “broke-up”. He just left. The next thing I know, after
months of waiting patiently and sending him occasional messages asking how
things were, I heard that he “changed his relationship status” and was dating
someone else.
I had to give myself a major reality check. He broke-up with
me, without actually breaking-up with me. A-couple-of-weeks of tears later, and
I decide to start moving on with my life. I sent him a message and wished him
all of my best, and I changed my own
relationship status to single, joined a few dating websites, and started
looking for potential suitors.
I really “clicked” with one particular gentleman, and after
a lot of time spent together, started to develop feelings for him. I do not
know whether those feelings were reciprocated. He was cute, funny, intelligent,
geeky, and kind. (He still is.)
However, in wanting to move-on with my life, I also needed
closure. I wanted to know why Robert-James left things the way that he did. So,
we talked. And then we met-up. Fast-forward a few meets later, he has broken-up
with his “girlfriend” and we are kissing and “DTRing” (“Define The Relationship”).
Neither of us had any clue where we stood, but we knew that there was still
something there.
When I spent time with Robert-James, I felt like I was
cheating on this other man, and vice-versa. My heart was torn, even though I
had no idea whether this other man felt anything for me at all, other than
friendship. I was totally honest with “RJ” about my growing feelings for
another man, and I think that that was what made him finally realise he still
felt something for me, and he decided to propose.
The proposal was – as with his last proposal, from our last
relationship – far from romantic. There was a miniature speech about how I am
“nearly thirty”, how “life is short”, etc, and I was convinced to say yes.
So, we secretly planned – and booked – a “honeymoon”, I
bought a cheap wedding dress – and we departed for a week, broadcasting our
“wedding” via Facebook Live, with dozens of our friends and family watching.
We said our vows, we laughed, we cried, and then we
switched-off to spend the evening together, relaxing, and “setting-a-mood” for
the marital bed.
I shall not, of course, go into any manner of detail,
because this is not an episode of Sex In The City. I will say, however, that he
was gentle with me and it was a pleasant experience, finally losing my
virginity, on my own terms, with consent. It was, of course, not technically my “first time”, but as far
as both he and I were concerned, it was in our hearts my first experience of
lovemaking, and that is what counts. I had experienced sex before, but it was
not consensual.
I had my doubts, though. So, so many doubts. I feared a
repeat scenario of our last, failed relationship. My stomach was crawling with
concern! The usual nerves that come with the fact that one is having sexual
intercourse for the first time, of course, but also I had thoughts of “Does
this count as a marriage?”, “Will God mind?”, “Is it okay?”, and the big one which was “IS HE REALLY THE
ONE?”
I had always promised myself that I would save my purity for
my One True Love. The one man I would marry and spend the rest of my life with.
It would be my gift to him, and only him. Religion was also a factor, hence the
“Will God mind?”, but for me, the biggest thing is my want to be with only one
person, for the rest of my life.
Many times that night, my mind would drift to the-other-man,
as well. “What if he is my One?” I would wonder. “What if some other guy is my
One?..” “Should I wait?”… I feared that Robert-James was not my One True Love
and that I was rushing-in-to-things because of my fear of loneliness and my
need to be loved.
I ignored those aching feelings, thoughts and fears, and I
“sealed-the-deal”, giving myself to my new husband. It was a beautiful
experience, but one that I have since come to feel was too much, too soon. I
find myself literally missing my
virginity.
What does not help, is that my gut was right. Robert-James has not changed. He is slightly improved; less
bad than before, if-you-will, but all the faults that drove us in to ruin last
time are still there. He seemed better, when we met up as singletons, but now
we are together again, the faults return. Mine, also. At least, the faults that
I moved on from when I was single, have returned now. It is as though together,
we bring out one-another’s worst faults, rather than best qualities.
He is lazy, inconsiderate, a spend-a-holic, compulsive liar,
and even a (small-time, £1-5 here-and-there from my purse) thief. I have
stopped doing my £1-a-day charity work, my freelancing has drawn to an utter
halt, and I have fallen in to a pattern of depression again.
Robert and I have nearly parted ways several times, but we
are agreed that we made a commitment, and we want to really try to work through
our problems, together. I am going through a period of cutting off my feelings,
because loving someone who causes so much hurt is too painful. I am not even
sure whether I love him any more.
After nearly walking-out-on-him a couple of weeks ago,
however; tears flowing, yelling and swearing abundant – all very
out-of-character for me – things have gotten better. He is making more of an
effort, and I am finding faith in him – and us – again. We kissed yesterday for
the first time in weeks. This is a good sign.
My fear here, is that I gave my virginity to the wrong man,
that our marriage will fail, and that when I do find my One True Love, he will not be my first. This is, in all
honesty, my biggest reason for staying with my husband. I made a commitment,
and I want to see it through. I made a choice – all be it a very, very rash one
– and it has consequences that I must live with. I was scared of being alone
and unloved and that I was getting old. I feel like RJ used my fears to get me,
and he has apologised for this because he is admitted that was his intention,
but what is done, is done.
You live, and you learn. If it is meant to be, then we shall
get through this, together, and be all the stronger for it. If in a few months
or a year, we decide to end our marriage, then I shall be sad and disappointed
in myself, but I shall move on, and find my actual One. Hopefully he (or
she?..) will understand.
I must remember my Illi-isms! Nothing in life worth anything
is ever easy. And love, being the most worthwhile thing, is therefore the most
difficult.
