Hm… Where do I start? This week’s Post is going to be a mixed one. I am very upset and emotional about the topic at-hand, but I have also learned some very hard lessons, and have had to do some serious growing-up. The phrase “you live, and you learn” has applied a lot these past few months, with my recent mistakes, but I never thought that I would live through what I can only describe as “cyber bullying” from people whom I considered to be friends, and to learn that I did not know people as well as I thought that I did, and that, sometimes, you have to let go of people and move on…
I confess that I have a pretty-bad track history with friends. As a love-addict, I will tolerate just-about-anything, if it means having a friend. There have been only two instances where I have given-up on a person and said “enough is enough; I will not tolerate this” and closed-the-door on our friendship.
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| Some of the hurtful comments on one of my Posts. Names and faces censored, due to it being my opinion that these comments were hurtful and wrong, and of my strict "no inflammatory" and "no slander" policies. |
Person one was one of my “Founding Friends”, one whom I knew since my earliest days of life. However, knowing someone for a long time does not necessarily mean that you truly know them. This gentleman, I thought he was funny, intelligent, and kind. However, I found that, over time, I realised he was unapologetic. Ever. Whether he was in-the-right, or the wrong, whether he intended harm or not, he never, ever apologised. I pleaded with him time-and-time again to change his ways, because it is selfish and rude and hurtful, but he refused. So, we parted ways, and have not spoken since.
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Person two was more recent. I had a girl friend whom I met via Facebook who I instantly “clicked” with because we had so much in common. We met-up frequently, went on outings together, played games together, etc. She was really fun! However, after discovering an incredibly passionate, backwards, racist attitude towards “foreigners”, I said goodbye. She basically insisted that anyone who was not white, Christian, etc, should be enslaved, because that is the only use they have in society. Seriously. She thought Muslims, in particular, deserved enslavement. The conversation was a shocking one, and a horrible revelation that I had completely misjudged this “nice” person, and that such negative attitudes could, indeed, be hiding behind otherwise pleasant personas.
As has been discussed in prior posts, Mark [Sutton] was another example, but that was more of a case that I felt he was better-off without me in his life, so I made him hate me, and he cut me off. We are mended now, and have been for some time. There are occasional differences, of course, but the thing about a good friendship is that you embrace your differences, and are stronger together for it. He and I, along with many of my other friends, can have friendly conversations, even heated, intelligent debates, and then still be friends even though we disagree. That is how civilised adults function.
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| My Status Update where I make a statement about stereotyping in Hollywood and how I think it spreads misunderstanding, biased, and even hate. Enlarge by using your browser's "Zoom" option. |
Clearly my “Friends List” on Facebook is full of children, however, because I discovered this past week just how utterly cruel, opinionated, and to be honest, vindictive, people can be, who I expected better of. My Facebook Status Updates and Shares became like a hunting ground, where I was the prey. I was a piece of meat to be abused and toyed-with, simply because I had a different opinion. Not even a harmful one. In fact, the opinion(s) in question were ones of principles and goodness; ones where I look at the world and I think “Why is this going on? This should change because it is hurtful to people”. To put it bluntly: I was being me.
Apparently, being me is a crime punishable by being ganged-up-on by dozens of people who all felt the need to insult me, swear at me, and generally make me feel absolutely horrible for having a different opinion/stance to them.
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"Stop being [a] gay retarded little pussy"
I am the kind of person that embraces everyone, no matter their differences, as long as their life choices do not hurt any one else. I understood before these Status Updates that people on my Friends List would disagree with me, of course, because I embrace our differences, but the influx of negativity, the outright attacks that I received brought me to the point of considering suicide again. I also lost my voice for several days.
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| Two Status Updates, posted one shortly after the other, which basically acted as cryptic suicide notes and calls for help. I have not sensored the Comments for these, as they are loving and supportive, not hurtful. Enlarge by using your browser's "Zoom" option |
Yes, you read me right. I prepared a whole bunch of pills, and this was not like the last time, this was worse. I had a whole combination of pills from my own prescriptions and from Robert-James’ prescriptions, which would have done serious permanent damage, or maybe even killed me.
"You're most likely forming a bubble to try and hide in, which is not how the world works. people can care too much, and it can range from being overbearing, all the way to being outright offensive."
I was staring at this huge pile of pills for a very, very long time. The only thing that stopped me from taking them was thinking about how I have seen the impact that suicide has on people that I care about. I have three friends who have had loved ones killed themselves, and I have seen how much it hurts them in the days, weeks, months, and even years after the incident. They never recover. They want to. But they don’t. And I do not want to be party to that, so I stayed strong.
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| My Pewdiepie article share. Enlarge by using your browser's "Zoom" option. |
But, that does not change the fact that, after all this time, after nearly a year since my last attempt, I was put back in that place again, and by people whom I thought were my friends.
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On the other-side of the spectrum, however, I have discovered who many of my true friends are. People whom called me, emailed me, and even came to my flat to see me, to make sure that I was okay, because they saw all that hate on my social media and they knew how much it hurt.
I have been un-friended by at least half-a-dozen people. Probably more. It hurts so, so much. I have been thinking “Why was I not good enough?” and the love addict in me is screaming “Fix this! Get them back! Do whatever it takes!”, and this is all wrong. What I should be thinking is why I would want these people back. They purposefully hurt me, and for what? A simple difference of opinion! As aforementioned earlier in this post, that is not how adult, civilised friendships work.
Clearly I did not know these people nearly as well as I thought I did. Clearly they were not my friends. I must shake-off these thoughts and feelings, and move on with my life, as I always do.
This experience has been a harrowing one, but it has made me stronger. I have been resilient. I have stuck-by my principles. I have not changed just to please the masses, or from peer-pressure.
“You like people for their qualities, and you love them for their faults” is what Hellboy’s father told him in the live-action film, and this holds very truly here. Some may consider me to be “annoying” and “politically correct” and a “Social Justice Warrior”, and they think that is a fault, but if they ever truly cared about me, they would have embraced that “fault” for all it was worth, because it is a part of what makes me, me.
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| Friend Gareth at no point insulted me, but did bring to my attention the reason why some people might have gotten upset. It would appear that my capitalised lettering of some words was perceived as yelling. Again, apologies for that. People really should know me better, though! |
I will now end this post by extending an apology (although I have already done-so on the posts, several times, it is being done again, for good measure) to the people who were offended or upset by my Posts because they have a different opinion to me. You should all know me better than to think I meant any harm by anything that was said. I am a good person. I hope that I always will be. Please, just take a step back, and realise that we are different, and that is okay. That is more than okay. Our differences are what make us human. I love you for your faults as well as your qualities, and I really think that I deserve the same in return. As long as our differing opinions do not hurt anyone, what does it matter? You should also know that you are forgiven for hurting me. [Please pay particular attention to my response to Gareth, to the left]
And, for those of you who defended me, and who messaged me, called me, and visited me during this horrible time-period, I cannot thank you enough. Some of you I know disagreed with my Posts, but still defended me and helped me through, when the cyberbullying happened. You are truly wonderful. I love you.
Finally, for those reading this whom have not seen any of the Posts and have no clue whether they would agree or disagree with me, I urge you to consider carefully how you handle disagreements with your friends, or even with strangers. Life is too short and too precious for hurtful arguments. Trust me, I know this better than most, because I nearly died last year. If you are going to argue with someone, do it in an intelligent, civil manner, and embrace your differences.
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| The "Illi-isms": rules/principles by which I live every day of my life. Things that make me, me. I have shared this many times and I speak about them often, because they are so important to me. Points #12 and #13 are why I find it so surprising that my friends would think I would be intentionally offensive, yell at them, etc. Illisias are civil. We do not yell unless utterly, utterly prevoked, and I can literally rememeber five or six occassions in my six years when I have raised my voice at a person in anger. |
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Much love to each-and-every one of you, whether I know you personally, no matter how well or how little I know you, no matter our similarities or differences. You are beautiful and special and you deserve to be loved.
