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| Me with my new glasses. Apparently I needed them and never knew! |
Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned. It has
been six, long months since my last confession (aka Blog post). I
have circum to sloth and fallen prey to habit and complacency in my
day-to-day life.
Essentially, I have been in what is commonly
referred to as a “rut”. Today, however, I – figuratively -
stand tall and proudly state that that “rut” officially ends;
because today I signify this by returning to writing my (/our) life
story.
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Week, after week, after week I sit at my keyboard
and think about what to write. Some times I even manage a few
paragraphs. However, I always fall short of completion, for various
reasons.
My number one reason, I have come to realise, and
the topic for my “come-back” post is depression and loss. It has
taken me a lot of soul-searching and self-analysing to realise that,
un-coincidentally, six months ago was when one of the most important
people in my life left me very abruptly and we have not seen one
another nor spoken since.
My last update spoke about recovering from my love
addiction, but I have in fact still been suffering from it.
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| My fiance Robert-James and I with our puppy Poppy, the day that we brought her home. |
My ex-boyfriend Matthew met with my
then-boyfriend, now-fiance Robert-James and I and it did not go well.
He became utterly convinced that we were a terrible fit and that “RJ”
would be my undoing. He left in anger and sent me several very long,
passionate messages and promptly “Blocked” me on social media so
that I could not help him see reason.
I respect his decision, but I do not agree with
his reasons. I and all who know me well enough can see that Robert
has been a huge, positive influence on me; helping me to grow as a
person and become more independent, rekindling friendships that I
thought were long past and of course getting me through my past
traumas step-by-step, day-by-day.
- - - -
So, for the past six months I have been happy. But
also sad. I gained a future husband, but I lost some one that I cared
– and still care – for deeply. He and I may have had our
“ups-and-downs” but I choose to concentrate on the “ups”, and
this is why I miss him almost every day. I hope that he will return
to our friendship in the future, but I think that it is time that I
move on and realise that I cannot dwell on some thing that I have no
power over. No amount of (ignored) phone calls, emails or gifts will
make him return to me, no matter though I wish it might.
The problem with being a love addict is that it
can seriously “creep-up” on you some times. I have, essentially,
been in six months of denial. I was concentrating so much on the fact
that I had found my “Happily Ever After” with my Robert-James,
recovering from my love addiction and forming a healthy, stable
relationship, that I did not realise that I have been in deep, solumn
mourning for the loss of a different kind of love; a friendship that
has been with me for literally more than half of my life.
- - - -
Ironically, my last post spoke about how quickly I
was able to move on from the loss of my friendship. I stated
confidently “I was able to recover from the loss of one of my
closest confidants, friends and ex-love within days, rather than
moping and mourning for months.” The irony is in that last
part, where I reference my usual moping-for-months pattern that I
presumed I had passed from, but this is obviously not the case.
So, it has essentially taken me six months, but I
think that now, finally - though it pains me ever-so – I need
to let go, because this mourning-filled rut needs to end.
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| Mark and I have welcomed one another into each-others lives again. Scratch missed him, clearly! |
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I have done a
great deal of personal growth within the past six months. I have made
new friends, rebuilt bridges with old ones, I see a therapist
frequently to help me with my traumas, I am going outside more often
and even alone, without Robert-James to cling on to, and I have even
finally managed to pick up my camera again for the first time since
my “mild sexual assault*”. However, I have, quite
unintentionally, been holding my self back with my sorrow, rather
than moving forward with my joy.
So, today is the
day that I send my most sincere, best wishes out to my old friend
Matthew and bare him a fond farewell. He knows where I am, should he
decide he wants us to be friends again, but I need to stop holding on
to that hope and instead embrace the love that I know is real;
the love of friends and family that are still a part of my life.
Good-bye, Matthew.
Hello, Illisia Adams, still-recovering love addict extraordinaire!
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* As stated by the
authorities. This is a topic that I shall be writing about in the
near future.
