My "record" - if you can call it that - is three months without so much as a "ouch" or a meow at my cat, and no attempt to even write with pen and paper or sign language. This was an extreme case, however, due to overwhelming emotional trauma. So far this time it has been two days...
The key to recovery and the return of my voice to its active state is to relax and forget my worries. This is, of course, easier-said-than-done...
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| Jacob and kitty Scratch cuddling in the living room on one of his visits |
I was very, very nervous about visiting Noobz because although I have grown very fond of the establishment, its propriator, staff and visitors, I do not know any of them particularly well and a lot of people can "freak out" about my mutism when they encounter it or get snappy with me insisting that I stop "blanking them", etc, as it is a very rare medical condition, and even rarer in adults. Now pair this with my proper nature and not wanting to make people uncomfortable...
So, to "test-the-waters", "so-to-speak", I sent Noobz a message, and it follows below, along with their lovely reply. (You can tell how nervous I was due to the lack of paragraphing and various errors!)
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I dressed smart-casual (/"prim, proper and prudish" is the usual descript), got a taxi, went for a brief shop for a treat (***), and walked through Noobz doors with bated breath...
There were quiet, hidden tears, frequent uncontrollable shakes, lots of amusing attempts at communicating through mime, a ridiculous amount of embarrassment... but most of all, there was love. I felt so much warmth and kindness from every person in that place, even those who did not even know my name, and I honestly cannot thank them enough for that. As I type this, I am literally having to wipe a tear of happiness so that I can see my laptop screen.
< - - - To the left is a video that I recorded live (with a small delay between visual and audio) after my shave, where I discuss spending my Birthday alone but surrounded by strangers. I can literally see myself holding back my lonely tears... But Noobz - and new friend Jacob - took care of me and made me feel not so bad.
Noobz has actually unintentionally been there for me at my highest, and lowest points. My "Brave The Shave" was the most important, brilliant experience of my life and I spent it alone, but with the Noobz. In contrast, after I nearly died trying to end my own life, I made the decision to revisit the gaming lounge, I became a member, I made friends, and my mental, emotional and physical states began to improve. It has been a big part of my recovery.
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| Jacob, Joshua (a member of staff and now friend) and I bought every one a huge feast! |
And, I also wrote - as the title of this post suggests - a poem. I must aforewarn you that it is a very, very powerful one, but once again, the fact that I was able to write this during my time at Noobz means that I am reaching a depth of understanding of what I went through that will, again, truly help me move onwards and upwards, post-hospitalisation. It clearly reveals some pent anger and upset towards certain individuals who were not there for me during the time the poem speaks of, and those people know who they are... (You are of course forgiven.)
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I nearly died,
I broke inside,
You were not there.
You broke my heart,
I fell apart,
You did not care.
When I was breathless,
You could not care less,
It was not fair.
I was all alone,
Heart turned to stone,
You did not even phone.
Recovered now; moving on,
Near-death made me strong;
"So long!"
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In conclusion, I want to extend my heart-felt thanks to Mark, Kirsty, Jacob and every single staff member and gamer at Noobz that has shown me kindness and helped me through good times and bad. When I took those pills almost two months ago, all I could think was "no one loves me" and I was "not good enough", but now I feel the very opposite.
For all my friends, I need every one of you to know how much you are appreciated. Life is precious and fleeting and you need to know that I love you all very much and you mean the world to me. You are my family. If you ever need me, I am here for you.
Oh, and if you are reading this and you live in or are "passing through" Margate, I cannot recommend a visit to Noobz highly enough. A fun place, and good people.
NB: You can watch the video of my "Brave The Shave" fundraiser that I did with Noobz back in August over on my YouTube Channel (see above), and if you are inspired, please do donate to the cause! Thank you.
* We have known each-other since my Birthday fundraiser on August 25th. We instantly clicked because we have so much in common and the same kind of difficulties with socialising, confidence, etc.
** What happened between Robert-James and I is something else that I need to "cover" on my Blog, and I shall do in due time, but all you need presently know is that we are on good terms.
*** When I am brave and go outside alone, I often treat myself as an incentive. Going into town alone, "speaking" (with miming) to strangers and being outdoors when I have no voice all deserve a big treat, I thought!
