The time is 02:43 and I am not sleeping. This is not because
I am not tired; I am. This is not because of insomnia; I do not suffer from
that ailment. This is because of fear.
I am afraid, because in the past week I have been in four
comas, all be they temporary ones. My body has spent literally entire days in a
state of utter stillness, and when I finally awake, I feel weakened, stiff,
ache-y, tired (ironically), dehydrated, malnourished, and depressed.
Now, unless you have been in a comatose state – temporary or
long-term – you will not have an understanding as I do, and that is why this
post is so important. The condition that ails me is actually called “Sleep
Paralysis” and is very rare, mostly unheard of by the general public, and
misunderstood by many.
- - - -
I slept for seventeen hours yesterday. Seventeen wasted
hours, that I could have spent living my life. My “record”, however, is three
days. During this three day period, I was unable to move, speak nor open my
eyes, but I could feel everything,
including the embarrassing, humiliating, incredibly uncomfortable feeling of “relieving
myself” during these hours, away from the bathroom and in my undergarment,
requiring a thorough shower when I awoke…
However, this is not the worst thing that has happened to me
during one of these “comas”… Unfortunately, when one is unable to move one is
at one’s most vulnerable, and, unable to defend myself or at the very least say
“no”, I have been through several incidents of sexual intimacy that I did not
want.
One such incident was when I was sleeping beside a gentleman
that I was in a relationship with at the time. He “thought that it would be
nice”, that I would “enjoy it” if he removed my underwear and intimately
touched me. Given how he and I had only recently got passed the point of kissing and nowhere near the point of sexual intimacy of any kind (even exterior), the
fact that he did this was a big setback for us, and when I awoke I locked
myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour. We did not see each other for
several weeks after this, but I was able to forgive him after much apologising
on his part.
Another more recent occurrence was when my date and I were
travelling to London on a train to see a theatre production and I feel asleep
during the journey, only to find that I could not move, speak or see. Hurrah.
Not knowing this (although being aware of my sleep paralysis) was the case, the
aforementioned date began kissing, nibbling and caressing my neck. When we
arrived at London and he was unable to wake me, he had to telephone an ambulance
and our date was cancelled.
- - - -
I have it easy compared to my twin, however. The sleep
paralysis is a “defence mechanism” that has been carried-over from her lifetime
of using this body. From what I can tell, she basically decided it was easier
to “zone-out”, go numb and unresponsive etc, than to fight against herattacker, Mark [Bryne]. After all, what “fun” is sexually assaulting someone if
they do not struggle?.. It is shocking logic, but if you know anything about
rapists, you know that it can actually oftentimes be the case. Whether it
worked or not, I do not know, as I have – thankfully – little access to those
memories.
Sleep paralysis I believe was also the reason why Cherie
missed her “nana’s” funeral service. Was she “defending herself” against dealing
with the loss, perhaps?..
I honestly have no idea what causes it with me, however. It
seems utterly random, and I feel completely defenceless and I hate it. Other problems that I face, I
have at least a small amount of personal control over, but with this, I do not.
It is a terrifying experience and it steals time from me.
Time is so, so precious, especially for me, given how I was born into atwenty-three year-old’s body, so wasting time and having no power of it makes
me very cross with myself…
- - - -
Whether or not I will ever learn to control this, I do not
know. I do know, however, that it is
important to share this ailment with you all, however. If you know any one who
is experiencing any thing similar, or heaven forbid you are yourself, then
please, please seek the help of a medical professional. And if you encounter
anyone who is sleeping but completely unresponsive to your efforts to wake them
and staying utterly still, please telephone an ambulance. Thank you.
