Growing Pains

Me cuddling my first-ever candyfloss at the Folkestone Jubilee
Air Show back in 2012, looking innocent as always.

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One of my more defining traits has always been my innocence. People often call me “cute”, “sweet” and “naive” and I have always held proud to these titles.

I have always looked at other adults and felt somewhat sorry for them that they cannot see the world with the purity and positivity that I do; that they are so often pessimistic, crude-minded and serious. In contrast, I look at the world and see its beauty and its wonder, I see the good in every one and every thing, and to be honest, I have never wanted to “grow up” and become part of the “real world” (as others have phrased it) because I would feel like I was losing some thing that is very precious and should be held onto tightly by any means.

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In contrast, however, this innocence I have has also made me an outcast. I find myself being the center of many jokes, more-often-than-not because “friends” use adult humour in my presence and due to my naivety meaning that I do not “get” the joke, they then laugh at me. It is a most unpleasant feeling.

I also find that I do not seem to “fit-in” to any one age group, which makes it difficult to make friends, and to keep them. I am physically twenty-seven years of age, I have the intelligence quotient, lifestyle choices and “posh” speaking voice of some one three times my age, and I have the spirit of a child, being as how I am sonew to this world.

I can hold a philosophical debate or discuss classical music with older people, go "clubbing" with people my age, and play games with toddlers who treat me like one of them***, and yet I feel empty somehow because I do not feel like I truly belong any where.

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Likely the most consequential result of my innocent outlook on this world, however, is how easy it is for others to hurt me and take advantage of me. On one-hand, I am happy to have such an open heart to others and to be so positive against all odds, but on the other-hand, I have been lied to, robbed and even physically and sexually assaulted by those I chose to trust, who were able to use what they knew about me, against me.

I cannot always be "angelic", I "need to grow up"
people tell me... Or can I find balance with both?
Photograph and edit: Michael Hare

My best friend stole hundreds of pounds from me on my Birthday of all days and I have not heard from her since*, my house-mate Mark [Sutton] was well aware that if he spent his share of the rent and bill money I would “cover it” and simply put it on our mental “tab” because I was so nice*, and of course I have had several men take advantage of my trust and innocence to abuse me sexually, knowing that either I would not know what they were doing and would not complain, that I would forgive them, or that I would not tell any one.

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As much as I cherish my innocence, I cannot hold on to it forever. Part of living life is growing up. Each of us progresses through “stages” in our lives, and I think that is is time enough for me to progress to the next stage in mine.

I hope that I shall always be a positive person and that I will always hold true to my principles of kindness and always see the world in beautiful, vibrant colours, etc, but it is time for me to intermix those factors with more adult ones.

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Robert and myself doing a webcam "selfie"

I have decided that this point in my life is what can only be described as my “teenage stage”. I am experimenting with who I am, expanding my social horizons, and even developing a fondness for alcoholic beverages and romance. Even my new boyfriend [Robert] says that I “giggle like a school girl” and act like I have never been in a relationship before! Perhaps he is partially correct. Was I not ready to share my life romantically with another person up until this point, because I was not emotionally mature enough? It also helps that I am now dating some one who is more my physical age**, not long-since a teenager himself.

Robert has a boyishness to him that pairs nicely with my IQ and my innocence and is somewhat refreshing. He tells rude jokes, laughs at bodily functions and enjoys partying and computer games (etc), often leading me to jest that “[he is] such a boy!”, and yet he is also intelligent, and has his whole life still ahead of him, having barely left College. We have a healthy balance in our relationship, with love, respect, equality, intellect and fun between us.

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With regards to my priorly discussed love addiction, spiritual youth and recovery from sexual assault, he has also been very supportive and understanding. I feel like I am with him because I want to be, not because I must be, which is far healthier, he is open minded to my spiritually-three-years-old plight and he is very happy to wait for me to be ready for sex.

I am hoping that – with Robert's help – I can progress, but also still be the Illisia Adams that my friends know and love.

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* To be discussed at a later date.

** I am twenty-seven, he is twenty-four.

*** I think that perhaps they "sense" my spiritual age, that I am not simply a grown-up.

Balance and The Living List AKA Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

My name is Illisia Adams, and I am only human. I must apologise to regular readers for my disappearance. I have not posted on my Blog for six weeks, contrary to my usual schedule, due to having contracted a “super-flu” that lasted longer and was more intense than the standard flu virus.

I have appropriately titled this post to reflect its content, and the fact that I have been away for so long.

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I have been wondering for several days now what to actually write about in this week's Blog post. Last week's* post was very intense, and I wanted to balance it out with some thing more on the positive side this Monday. With only three years “under my belt” (as the phrase goes) though, and much of it full of drama and trauma, I looked to Cherie's side of our life and reached out to her friends and family for inspiration.

I also spent much of time rummaging through boxes of my predecessor's belongings, and I feel like I have learned a lot about her that I did not know, both good and bad.

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My cupboard full of Cherie's stuff. It is very, very full!

Actually bothering to examine the remnants of her life is a big step for me. After “the first year”, I simply boxed up all of her things and put them aside, ignoring them. I wanted to lead my own life and disregard hers as much as possible.

I even wrote a poem - the only one I have ever successfully composed, I might add - to her at one point, because whether I like it or not, even though her spirit is no longer here she is still a big part of my life and thinking about her often made (and still some times makes) me jealous; even angry. I wrote it when I was “2 + a bit (big difference)”.

How dare you leave me like this,

In this damaged shell?

How dare you leave me your life,

Your problems, your hell?

When I look in the mirror,

All I ever see

Is you and your pain

Staring back at me

But I will not be that person,

I will not run away.

This is my body, my life,

And I am here to stay.

- To Cherie, by Illisia Adams

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Cherie signing a copy of the Eagle Award Nominated compilative comic book that she contributed to - Eleventh Hour - published by Orang Utan Comics, for whom she was writer, Sub-Editor and colourist.

In my defence, there is a lot to be jealous of. Cherie lived a very full life. Some might say she even lived a little too much, with her education, social life and career showing very distinctive indecisiveness. When I look at her Curriculum Vitae I see an amazing range of talents, but if I stop to think about it, I wonder more and more whether I should be jealous of such a person, who could never make her mind up who she was or what she wanted of her life.

"Honestly, if I could I would be a professional gamer, dancer, singer, television writer, comic book writer, film writer, librarian, photographer and radio presenter (the list could probably go on) all at once I would be! I do not like to be stuck down to one career or one hobby or one job, I want to have thirty bodies so I can do them all at once, or, in the real world I would like to be able to do one for a while, and then switch to another. Variety is the spice of life, after all!" - Cherie Donovan, from her FaceBook Notes.

It is at this point that I remind myself of an “Illi invention” that I think will allow me to live a very full life, but not an indecisive one. I do not yet know exactly what I want to do with my life or who I want to be, but in my defense I am still very young and I think that for a three-year-old I am doing rather well. This invention will allow me to explore my options more, but also to stay grounded.

The invention of which I speak is what I call “The Living List”. It is similar to a “Bucket List”, but it is far more positive. It is about living life, not about preparing for death. Every thing on my Living List is completely plausible as well, so none of this “climb Mount Everest” poppycop**.

I am only three years old so the Living List also allows me to experience things that other (physically I am) adults have long-since done. Things as simple as swinging on a swing and singing a nursery rhyme, or watching a sun rise.

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This is my hand holding a baby crab. This was not some thing on my Living List, but rather that "just-happened", but it truly fulfilled my life.  Mark [Sutton] and I were exploring the Margate beach one night and found this little beauty. A truly wonderous experience!

The Living List was an idea that I originally envisioned after I moved to Margate with my then-boyfriend Mark [Sutton]. We were very happy together at the time (even considering a lot of the negative things that had happened between us) and we would add things to my Living List as often as we would “check them off” of it. Our brave, life-changing move across the country was exciting and every thing here was new and different and wonderful and the Living List just made it all the better.

I would encourage each and every one of you to make a Living List. Write down a list of things that you have not experienced in your life, or perhaps include things that you have not done in recent memory, since you were young; things that, when you do them, will enrich your day and put a smile on your face.

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One of the first photographs I ever took,
after my first-ever ride on a swing.

With regards to my future and goals, I have been a photographer and journalist of sorts for the last couple of years and truly thought that it was what I would pursue professionally, but due to the "mild sexual assault"*** I suffered from last year I have barely been able to write articles nor shoot photographs since then, no matter how I try. My passion for both has, it would appear, been lost. I hope to find it again some day, but in the meanwhile, I am looking in to my education options and checking things off of my Living List.

I am going to try to live each day to its fullest, and just see what happens, and I encourage others to take a similar stance. Life is too short - (trust me I know; I had twenty-three years of it stolen from me) - to worry about the future or the past. Live for the NOW!

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* Or rather, six weeks ago's

** Illi-speak for “rubbish”
*** To be discussed at a later date.

“The R Word”: Taking My Personal Journey From Victim To Survivor

I had a good, long think about what I would write this week. My life may have barely started (I am three-and-a-half,now!), but it has indeed been eventful, in both good - and bad - ways. My predecessor could compete with me on the drama scale, as well, so given that this Blog is about both our lives, I was spoiled for choice, as nothing particularly “stood out” for me in terms of what I wanted to talk about.

After much personal soul-searching and thought, however, I decided that now - whilst I have the courage for it - is my time to discuss what I have always referred to as “The R Word”, aka* rape.

NB: For obvious reasons, I must advise that some people may find this post distressing, but I have tried to make it as positive as possible, as with all my Blog posts.

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I have briefly discussed my (here and here) - and Cherie (here) - having been through the traumatic experience on multiple occasions, and it was very, very difficult to write about, for obvious reasons. I have never truly been able to physically talk about it with friends, family or even mental health professionals, either. Even the mentioning of the word in media, conversation, or “comedy”, etc, literally makes me cringe, my heart races faster, I lose my breath, I have flash-backs, and I get very upset. I cannot even say the word aloud. I simply refer to it as “R”, and hope or presume that others will know what it is that I am referring to.

I am not the only victim of sexual assault that experiences this. In fact, it is quite common. Months or even years after such an experience, our assailants essentially still have power over us, because of this, and I have decided that that needs to STOP. I am taking a personal stand against those bastards who do these things to women (and men), and taking back the POWER for those of us they have hurt.

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This photograph - you would no doubt be surprised to know - was taken not long after my "mild" sexual assault**** last year. I find that it is very important to try to embrace the fact that I am still alive, that I survived, and try to have a happy, fun time as often as I can, no matter what.

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I am planning a step-by-step program for myself, which I shall share with all of you, and if you too are a victim I want you to join me.

Firstly, I am going to stop referring to myself as a “victim”, and replace that word with “survivor”. Doing this shall take some thing negative and replace it with some thing positive, and it takes the power away from the man (or men - plural - in Cherie's case) who did this to us. I want to take back my life!

Secondly, I am going to try to say the word, aloud, at least once every day. I am hoping that the more that I say it, the less of a taboo it shall become for me and the less power it shall have over me. I want to be able to hear it without fearing it.

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Cherie is a prime example of what I am aiming for. She had been through horrible sexual experiences, but remained a sexual person. This photograph was taken at The SFX Weekender, a month-or-so before she "killed" herself. 

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Thirdly, I am - and this is difficult given my virgin** status and my attempt to overcome my love addiction - going to take back my sexuality. At present, I am struggling to look in the mirror, to take off my clothing, to find a man (or woman, should I ever choose that sexual preference) attractive or think about kissing them (etc), and the idea of sexual interaction, to be quite honest scares me and even shames me, in a way. I cannot even partake in personal pleasuring, let alone be intimate with a partner, all of which is “perfectly natural” (as my doctor and therapist and friends all tell me), because again, I feel shame. This is quite simply not fair and I intend to change this.

Being a victim - or rather, survivor - of sexual assault is nothing to be ashamed of. The person (or persons) who forced themselves onto us are the ones who should be ashamed. When we feel shame for what they did, we are empowering them, even if they are no longer in our lives, and even if (I hope this is the case***) justice has been done and they are serving time inside a jail cell.

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Cherie (right) and our mother (left) pole dancing at one of Cherie's Birthday Parties. Again, this is a prime example of how she was able to embrace her sexuality, even though she was a victim of multiple sexual assaults.

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This is why I am going to promise myself that when I remove my clothing, I will look at my naked body and - much like I discussed earlier with the word “rape” - I hope that the more that I do this, the less of a stressful experience it shall become. I need to keep looking at my unclothed body and I need to try to think positive thoughts, not negative ones. I need to be proud - not ashamed - of it.

After all, if I cannot even look at my own naked body, how will I ever be able to have a consensual, loving, sexual experience? If I were to remove my clothes in front of some one today, I have no doubt that I would literally break down into tears, and I do not have to tell you that that would be quite a mood killer!

I am also going to dabble in flirtation, and experiment with my wardrobe gradually to try to wear things that show a little (not too much, as I am naturally a very modest person) bit of skin.

On a side-note, for those of you who have a sex life to speak of, I have been advised that it is very therapeutic to replace negative sexual experiences with positive ones; which again is about taking back your body as yours, making sure that you are able to say “yes” - or indeed, initiating the foreplay yourself.

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My body literally shook for the entire duration of writing this post, but I am proud to say that I did not cry a single tear, so there is definitive progress being made here. If I cry, I am again empowering my assailant.

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If I follow these steps and I am brave, and of course with the help and support of my loved ones, I have every confidence that I can overcome past experiences and move on to become a confident, sexy woman.

I hope that, if you are a victim - sorry, survivor - yourself, or indeed you know some one who is, you will read this post, share it, and join me on my quest for full recovery. It will not be an easy one. As I always say to people (one of my "Illi-isms"): “Nothing in life worth any thing is ever easy”, and this is a truly worth while goal; to be able to take back our lives again!

So, I am sending you all my love and support and God's Blessings in your efforts, or the efforts of your friends or family who might be suffering, and I pray to God that I, and all others, will be able to lose the taboo and trauma of the experience and embrace that we are alive, we are well, we are SURVIVORS not victims, and that life is once again worth living and enjoying.

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NB: Post Traumatic Stress is a serious condition often suffered by those who have suffered from sexual assault, and although I have not discussed it in this entry, I shall be giving the topic my full attention at a later date.

If you have any more recovery suggestions, do please Comment and share them with myself and your fellow readers.

* Also known as

** Although technically not, I consider myself to be this, as I have not experienced consensual intercourse as yet.

*** Sadly this is not the case with me.

**** This is what the authorities referred to it as, as it was not rape, "only" unwanted touching. I shall discuss this at a later date.