The Once And Future Illisia: aka You CAN Learn Confidence In The Classroom aka DWP Are Not The Enemy

I got an influx of worried and surprised messages after I
posted this on Facebook, because of how out-of-character it is
for me to show so much skin in public. "What happened?!
How are you so confident all of a sudden?" etc,
Well, let me explain how, below... :-) 

Note: The course was two months ago, now.

So, before I post the long and painful-to-write, emotional rollercoaster of a Blog post that I have “aaaaalmost finished” (every week for the past several months...), I want to share with you a nice, big dose of positivity; because this-time-two-months-ago, I was, well... How to describe it, really(?)... If I had posted the really sad post, it would be easier to describe, but let’s just go with “A MESS”, and leave-it-at-that, for now.

Fast-forward a month from that miserable Illisia, and I am semi-regularly going-out alone, filing to make GEEKETEERS (something which, again, I am super-sorry that I have not posted about yet, but, in-short, is me trying to become a legitimate business owner) a business, applying for funding for the aforementioned business, making homemade bread and pasta etc, and even thinking about voluntary work outside of my home, with actual interaction with actual people.

How did this happen? Well, the first thing I did was be completely honest with myself. I knew I was a mess, and I knew why, but I didn’t know how to fix it. So, I left one of those “Journal Entries” on my Universal Credit login thingy (it’s all weird, but it works), and braved the Job Centre for a heart-to-heart to try and plan for my future.

- - - - 

For the record, technically speaking I do not actually need to do any of this. According to my Personal Independence Payment and Universal Credit benefits, I can sit at home and wallow in self-pity and just keep receiving money from the Government for the next x-amount-of-months, and I am aware that some people would be happy with that, but I just wasn’t. I have never had a paid job, never paid any taxes, but I have always spent taxes by receiving these Benefit payments, and the more I rely on them, and the more I depend on them, the more I let the disabilities win, and the people who have wronged me win.

Douglas and myself at Fantasticon, post-interviewing two
brilliant Doctor Who actors - Colin Spaull (left)
and Simon-Fisher Becker (right) for the GEEKETEERS

So, my “Work Coach”, Douglas and I sat-down and had a chat, where I basically told him what I just told you about wanting to be a tax-payer, not a tax-taker, and literally asked “is there some sort of helper I can get or course I could go on or something?”, and he got straight to typing on his computer, taking my vague request and my difficult circumstances, and confirming that he did, indeed, have “some sort of helper” and a course I could go on, both at the same time.

He booked me an appointment with a lady who I was of course initially terrified of - the same as everyone else I ever meet - but who I quickly found rapport with. She told me that she works for PeoplePlus, a company that works with the Government and the Job Centre to help people become more independent, improve their health and wellbeing, get them back in to work, etc, and that she regularly runs a “Personal and Social Skills” course (well, qualification, technically/actually) which she wanted me to attend.

Shameless "plug" for the people that helped me. Go and "check-them-out"!

“Wait, hold-on-a-second, back-up for a minute there, slow-down lady!” are the various thoughts rushing through my head at that point, and I literally tell the lady – Carol [Saynor] – that I don’t believe that it is possible for a person to “learn confidence and social skills [etc] by sitting in a classroom”, and that this “[wasn’t] for me”.

But, Carol is a persuasive (in the nicest possible way) woman! And heck, what did I have to lose? If it wasn’t for me, I could “pull-out” at any point, and at least then I could say I tried, and that is the important thing. If you don’t try, you can never succeed, after-all!

My new friend Paul and I with our Cosplay Awards at Fantasticon!

So, I did an admittedly boring test to see how my English and Mathematics skills were and we booked-me-in for the course. Heck, Douglas was even convinced to go on a (different) course, too! He and I are both doing a study-from-home course on Equality And Diversity now, but - as is evident in the "NB" at the end of this Post - I am not doing very well, sadly; but Douglas is almost certainly going to pass.

- - - - 

Me in class, on day-one! ... Behind the camera,
obviously, because I had no confidence...
"had" is the key-word, here, folks!

Fast-forward a week and Douglas is waking-me-up and getting me ready. We were late, obviously, because I am not accustomed to tight schedules, and my heart was racing far above a healthy rate, but I and the rest of the group were introduced to one-another, we filled-in some forms, and then we went home again. Phew! That was easy...ish.

Douglas was there at the course with me for only a few days out of the two weeks, and two of the days I missed due to ill-health, but the rest of the (two or three weeks, I admittedly forget which it is) classes I attended, and alone. I travelled alone, I went into the scary (okay, not actually scary, unless your name is Illisia Adams) building alone, talked to strangers and not-so-strangers (the other students, our teacher Carol, and the few other staff members in the Reception area) alone, and did classwork-y things with my class!

- - - - 

The first day that I went alone, I had an outright panic attack; in-fact, one of the worst I have ever had, and I literally stood a few metres from the classroom, crying quietly, shaking uncontrollably, struggling to breathe, etc, rather than actually walking inside. I have no idea how long I was out there for, but it seemed like an eternity. And thank goodness for Carol! is all I can say, because she left the classroom to go and go on a break, but as soon as she saw me, she cancelled her break plans and concentrated on me, and getting me better. She made me a tea, sat me down in the Staff-Only area, talked to me, got me tissues, and if we fast-forward a half-an-hour-or-so, I was ready to walk in to the classroom with her and begin work.

There were other difficult incidents, with one day me having a very, very nasty case of post traumatic stress kicking-in during class, causing tears and panicking etc; another day where I was completely mute, and another day where I was so sick that she spoke with her colleagues and they got me a taxi home, for which I was reimbursed the fare for the next day. Carol literally walked me to the taxi office, sat with me until the car came, and spoke with the driver to explain my special needs. It is very clear that Carol - and all the other PeoplePlus employees who I encountered as well – are very understanding of mental health needs, as well as physical ones.

There was another incident involving someone who abused me in the past and “got-off scott-free”, but that is something that I shall be discussing in that other “aaaaalmost finished”, emotionally draining Post at a later date, and I cannot emphasise enough how it was pure coincidence and how the Carol was very understanding of my panic and offered to accompany me to the bus stop, etc, which was lovely.

- - - - 

Here is a text that I sent to Carol after returning from
Fantasticon, which was convention number one

So, anyway, the Course ended, and I passed, which is a big “yay!” for me as it was my first educational experience, but I was very sad that it ended. I practically begged Carol to find more courses for me to complete! She gave me the study-from-home course on equality and diversity, which I confess I am really, really struggling with because of depression; something I can escape from in a classroom, but cannot avoid in my home life.

Buuuut, depression-aside, I have made some really big, positive changes in my life and done some pretty incredible things. It has been a seriously hectic month [September], and I have been to not one but two conventions that are a long, long way-away (Fantasticon and EGX) and involve lots of human interaction and what-not.

And, for your further astonishment, below right are photographs and videos of me at a “mini rave”/Party at EGX, the largest gaming convention in the country, where I spent the night alone (unaccompanied, but surrounded by strangers), got very, very intoxicated (I need to be, with my physical disabilities being what they are!) so that I could dance-the-night-away, made loads of friends, and then had a very strange after-party adventure with two of those new friends where we got a bit lost, a seriously hilarious attempt at stealing (but not really, because it’s a poster) a Fallout 76 poster off the wall by one of them who was then chased by security guards (lol!), and we tried to gate-crash another event and I had to figure-out a way back to my rented apartment at 5am… 

Yes, this is, indeed, a true story, and yes, I am still me. Just… a new, better version of me, I guess?

And none of this would be possible without Carol [Saynor], PeoplePlus, and the Job Centre. So, in conclusion, as the title says, you can learn confidence in a classroom, I am an improved version of myself that proves this, and the Job Centre got me there, so they aren’t the enemy that many people believe them to be.

- - - - 

If, like me, you, too, know your weaknesses and want to be a better version of yourself, I suggest having an honest discussion with your JobCentre Workcoach, and perhaps even mentioning PeoplePlus and wanting to go on their courses. They do all-sorts of different courses, and in many different places around the country, so there is bound-to-be something to suit you.

Don’t sell-yourself-short. Realise you are worth fighting for, ask for help, and be the better you that I know you can be.

My love to you all, readers. “Never give up! Never surrender!”

- - - -

Ps. Huge thanks again to the following people and organisations and events (in no particular order): Carol Saynor, PeoplePlus, Fantasticon and Fantastic Books Publishing, Colin Spaull and Simon Fisher-Beckett whom I interviewed (uploading soon!) all the friends I made at both of the conventions, and the entertainers at EGX who were Wifi Wars (Paul Foxcroft and Rob Sedgebeer) and Mico-Rave. You all made a huge difference in this one person's life, and I hope you are happy about that. 

[NB: I confess that I am not going to pass this second course (“Certificate In Equality And Diversity”) due to an influx of depression and my time running-out, but I am still proud that I tried it. I hope to continue further studies in the future, perhaps at the Adult Education Centre or Open University etc, but for now, I need to concentrate on my emotional wellbeing. You will understand more once I finish and publish my “MY Thirteen Reasons Why” post that I have “aaaalmost finished writing” for several months now, but is taking forever… I shall prioritise it, I promise. The short version is that things from the past have returned with a-vengeance and they hurt very badly, but I remain positive, as best-I-can, and remember the things Carol taught me. I am even trying to find a “real” (paying) job! I am currently composing my first Curriculum Vitae, which before the PeoplePlus course had just never really crossed-my-mind. Here’s to future successes, eh?!]