The Comic Convention: Before

This is an unplanned, last-minute post, but it is super-important that it be written – and published – within a few days of this week end. Because, this week end, Thanet is having it’s first-ever comic book convention, and I am within two minds as to whether to attend. One thing is for certain, however, and that is that I am panicking…

[Please note that due to my current emotional state of worry/fear and the last-minute nature of the post, my “written voice” (the style in which I write) may vary from my usual.]

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The comic book convention is organised by a friend of my housemate, best friend and landlord Kirsty [Swan], whom I have mentioned many times prior to now on this Blog. I may or may not (I forget) have mentioned that Kirsty is very involved in the UK comic book “scene”/industry as a colourist, and sometimes artist.

“Kaoticon” as it is titled is hosted by the owners of Phoenix Fantasy Comics in Cliftonville, Margate, and will be held on Saturday and Sunday. This in itself should not be a thing of panic. After-all, I have attended several conventions before and actually have a preference for the smaller, more “indie” kinds. However, the conventions that I normally attend do not usually have special Guests doing signings who matter-of-factually knew my predecessor, and one of which actually actively – even after all these years – hates or fears (I am not sure which) her.

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In my last post, I mentioned my disappointment that this person – one Ian Sharman – had blocked me on social media. I have heard many a positive thing about him from our mutual friends, and those that know me - or perhaps those that do not, but whom frequent this Blog - should know that I am rather incapable of holding “grudges”, feeling negative about people, and least of all, judging someone whom I have never met, for reasons unknown to me (aka any “residue feelings” I might get when thinking about someone the past-me knew).

I understand and respect that he and Cherie [Donovan, my “twin”], were partners in business and in romance, and that they parted on very, very bad terms, but to this day I am unsure as to why, and honestly… I do not particularly care. I am curious, though, of course, because I am only human and this does affect my life, given Ian’s social media response to me.

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In my curiosity, and with the impending comic book convention, I have done much research with regards to the negativity held between these two lovers (Ian and Cherie) post-breakup. I have read emails, I have spoken with friends and family, and I can find nothing of any particular use. I can see the emails between them slowly growing more and more hostile and then abruptly ending all-together, but all this gave me was more questions…

Eventually, I did not find the answers that I sought anywhere that I expected. Nor am I sure that I even found them… It is a little presumptuous of me to presume that what I found is the reason for what happened post-breakup, but I am nonetheless feeling duty-bound to “set the records straight” and hope that it will ease tensions between myself and Ian, who I am concerned holds a dislike for me due to actions that were not my own.

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A photograph of Ian and Cherie when they were happy, taken by my
(and their) friend Simon Bailey, who recently discovered this long-lost
image from one of the conventions they had attended together.

What I found, I discovered inside of my mind. I am unsure, but I think it was from a dream, or it might have been that something in my everyday life “triggered” the memories as is sometimes the case, but what I do know is that I made certain that the information not be lost, and that it be discussed herein. This was many weeks ago, but time has passed and now with the convention fast approaching, I feel a need to share, rather than wait on my schedule*.

I distinctly remember a heart-broken Cherie describing the breakup between them as “he kicked me out at three o'clock in the morning!” to just-about-everyone who she could. Now, straight away I can say that if this were true, it would be a horrible thing, but that I would never be telling all of the people I know about it. Such things are best kept private, and one cannot recover from a negative experience without forgiveness.

Saying bad things – true or no – about a person who has wronged you will not give you closure… and, to be honest, I am not sure that in Cherie’s case it ever did, given the fact that when she saw Ian “in-the-flesh” at London MCM convention back in 2010 (paired with other stressful things), her reaction was to feel a sudden desire kill herself… 

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That is my stance, were what she said true. However, my prior memories of the closure of their relationship indicate that how she described it was a very large exaggeration. In fact, I am uncertain, but I have a blurred recollection of Ian offering that she stay residing with him until she was able to move back with her parents or find her own place, which is a “far cry” from “he kicked me out”.

It was indeed 3am and there was an argument that ended their romantic (not professional) relationship, but it was her decision to leave the property. She called her parents in tears and insisted they take her in.

My memories are few, far-between, and honestly somewhat unreliable, but that is what I can tell you that I remember. Furthermore to this, if Cherie had been telling people what I think she was, that would have put Ian’s personal and professional integrity into question with whom she had told, so I am not surprised by his last email to her in which he states very clearly “the fact that you think I would want to talk to you after some of the things you have said and done shocks me.”…

If this is indeed the reason why Ian became so angry with Cherie and why he now has a dislike of me and the idea of ever interacting with me, I must apologise on Cherie’s behalf for her actions. She was young, heartbroken and inexperienced in love. Love makes us do utterly stupid things; especially when we are young. It does not excuse her actions, but it does explain them. She is long-gone now, and I think it best that forgiveness be given to her memory…

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Writing this post is literally making me feel sick with worry, and I shall be speaking with my therapist today (Wednesday) about this potentially life-changing decision as to whether or not to attend this event…

I just hope in my heart-of-hearts that if any of Cherie’s colleagues, friends or “fans” that attend this weekend – and in particular, Ian - see me have read this that they see me for me and not for her, should I choose to attend. I do not want things to be awkward or difficult. I just want to be able to report on and photograph the event, without feeling uncomfortable or scared, or making any one else feel that way, either.

Please remember that if you are one of Cherie's friends, colleagues or "fans" and have any questions or just want to talk, you can contact me at any time and I will do my best to help you.

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Perhaps I shall make friends. Perhaps answers to long-asked questions will be learned. My journalistic and photographic career could benefit from this event, but my emotional and mental state may worsen. I know not what this week end will hold for me, but I intend to write a “The Comic Convention: After” post, whatever the case may be…

For those of you that are local and have a “geeky” lifestyle, I recommend attending. Say hello to Kirsty! Get a signed comic book from Ian! Go in cosplay! Buy things! I am hoping this event will be fun for all and a good thing for Thanet as-a-whole…

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* Yes, my Posts for my Blog have a schedule.

** This is a nerdy HTML coding reference.

Amy Pond and The Doctor, Reunited (Part Two) aka Lies and “Chinese Whispers”

This week I want to talk about how lies, deception and second-hand quotes (“he said”, “she said”) can tear apart relationships, and even ruin lives… It is also time that I continued on from my “Part One” of the post where I mentioned that Mark [Sutton] and I are good friends again now, and “set-the-record-straight” about what happened between us, how and why, and of course how things have become so good between us again now… 

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Regular readers might find that my mentions of Mark can be somewhat contradicting. Sometimes I discuss his abuse of me, and other times I have nothing but fondness for him. There is actually very good reason for this, and that is the very topic that we are discussing today: lies and Chinese whispers…

“I faced my fears of Mark and Kirsty and I realised that they were unfounded. Kirsty had no ill-will toward me what-so-ever, contrary to what many of our then-“friends” would have me and her (and Mark) believe. Therein we can now see the power of “he-said-she-said” gossiping, and have since decided to disregard third party opinions.” –  from Part One.

Cherie and Mark [Sutton] (far left) with friends and colleagues - including Kirsty [Swan] eating a meal together a few weeks before her passing. This is one of the last photographs ever taken of my predecessor and the first and only time she met Kirsty. Photograph credit and date are unknown.

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In fact, I have in one particularly powerful post many months ago stated my belief that Mark “raped” me, but also that there was no mal-intent involved. From his perspective, he was having intercourse with his girlfriend (Cherie), not with a baby personality who had no concept of sex and therefore no ability to consent…

“When I look back on those early days and the experiences I had with him, I feel violated. My trust was violated, as was my body.But then, I do wonder if from Mark's perspective things were very different. He had, after all, been sleeping with my predecessor for months before I took her body as my own.” – from my post The First Year: Part One

Now that we are on good terms - and with him having read much of my Blog - Mark and I have had a chance to talk about what happened. He has apologised a great deal, we hugged, I cried, we even laugh about It sometimes, and I realise that although I technically gave no consent, it was not an unpleasant experience. He did not hold me down, he did not injure me; he simply did not take the time to explain what was happening and why, and to ask if I wanted to partake. Now, this is still very much a grey-area, but I cannot emphasise enough that his intent is what holds truest.

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The reason that Mark and I parted ways after years of on-off love interest and friendship was actually of my own doing. After six months of living apart, I had decided that he and I were not a good match as friends, and I sent him a very long, heart-felt email explaining that I would be civil to him but we could no longer be friends. It was heart-breaking, but not nearly as much as what happened next…

“I wanted to help you grow into that greatness, to be the man I know you can be, but you have to face your mistakes, your faults, accept them, and conquer them, or you will never reach that greatness, and because of how you have treated me, I cannot help you get there, I am sorry.” - a segment from the last email that I sent to Mark, on June 06^th 2013, three years ago. The next email exchange was not until October 25^th 2015 where Mark invited my then-fiancé Robert-James and I to attend an evening of karaoke with him and Kirsty.

Fast-forward a few weeks from that email, and I have been burgled. Many of my belongings were stolen, I felt unsafe in my own home, I was shaken and teary… and this news came to reach Mark, who instantly decided to come and see me and console me.

I was not happy to see him. This was for two reasons. The first being that I had decided we could no longer be friends, for the good of both of us, and he was going against my wishes. The second (matching our theme) being that many of our mutual “friends” had been whispering in my ear that it must have been Mark who had burgled my flat and stolen my belongings! “His girlfriend wants an Xbox, and now your Xbox is stolen?”*, “Mark is a liar and a thief…” etc etc etc… I am ashamed to say that I let those paranoid, ill-intent words get-to-me, and I did indeed accuse him of stealing… 

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Snow Angels! One of my fonder memories with Mark, back when he lived in Margate and I in New Eltham. I visited him and Maryanne during the snowy weather and we went for a fun walk with snow ball fighting, attempts at building a snowman that failed terribly, and these two snow angels on a hill.

After defending himself (when he should not have had to!) against my accusations, we had a hug and started talking again, like we always did, about the usual “how’s life?”, “have you heard the news about [insert television program here]” topics, and it was nice. … Too nice…

Something inside my mind snapped and I made an impromptu decision to end our friendship, once-and-for-all, for the good of both of us. Mark and I had too much pain and history between us, and although we had tried to mend ourselves, I decided that the only thing that could truly mend us would be time, so – for the first time in my life – I lied. A lot.

I told Mark that I hated him. That I could never forgive him for all the things he had done. That I never, ever wanted to see him again, ever.

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Hatred is not something I have ever felt, nor that I ever hope to feel, so pretending to hate someone who I truly still very much loved** was probably the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to do within my short life. And of course, being as honest a person as I am, he believed everything that I said…

We parted ways on horrible terms, and I cried for hours, days and weeks afterwards for what I had done… but I held strong to my decision, convinced that it was the best for the both of us.

Mark always felt guilty for the things he had done, no matter how many times I told him he was forgiven, and I always wanted answers from him (“why did you do [insert event here]?”) that he could not provide, so we were stuck in a seemingly never-ending loop of upset that stopped us from truly being friends, and from truly moving on… 

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I have a strict NO REGRETS policy, and this applies undoubtedly best here. Though it hurt me to do what I did, in retrospect, looking at Mark now, three years later, I know that I made the right choice. Without me in his life, he was able to lose that guilt, not argue with me every day, not feel like he owed me anything… He was just able to live his life, and be the man that I always knew he could be…

Granted, he still has faults (as do I!), but then, are we not all flawed by nature, as humans? Today he is in full-time employment, has more of a social life, a better relationship with his family, has lost weight and got fitter, and is in a happy, healthy relationship with Kirsty.

On my side of things, I have had two unsuccessful relationships, many “ups and downs” in terms of mental and physical health, found religion, and even got myself a dog. But, most importantly, I have moved on. Moved on from anger, sadness, and fear, and truly forgiven Mark – and myself – for the past misgivings. It is one thing to say (and even feel like) you forgive a person, but it is another entirely to truly feel that forgiveness inside yourself, which is where I stand now.

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Now having a functional, good friendship with both Mark and Kirsty, the topic of the comic book industry (which Kirsty is a fundamental part of, as an independent, freelance comic book artist and colourist, and Cherie was a colourist for) was bound to “come-up”. And, it follows, also the topic of Cherie’s “ex” Ian [Sharman], who is a multi-talented part of the UK comics industry himself.

I mention this within my Blog post today because, no matter how hard I searched my mind, I could still (after my last mention of their relationship and its end) not find reason why things became so negative between them. I have spoken to some of her friends, family and colleagues, and reached the conclusion that it was Chinese whispers (but also heartache) that were to blame…

It would appear that my predecessor was heart-broken, and in being heartbroken, she said some things about her ex-partner that (I hope) were not necessarily intended to be malleus, but which when taken out-of-context on a “she said [this and this]” basis, could be perceived as such. We must also bare in mind her young age, her inexperience (it was her first relationship) and her unstable mental health as contributing factors for her saying things in a certain way, not thinking about how it would affect how people saw Ian, and his personal and professional reputations. 

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This is officially the only photograph of both Cherie (left) and Ian (right)
that I can find! A signing at a convention with a fan.

When my relationships end, I never have anything truly negative to say. There is always fault with both parties; no one is innocent in a break-up. But, as we all know by now, Cherie and I are very, very different. Most interestingly, I seem to be more mature and world-wise on this topic (and a few others) than my “twin” even though I am only a few years of (spiritual) age. More importantly though, is my positive outlook on life in comparison to hers which was almost entirely negative.

I hope that, should Ian or any of his friends or colleagues ever read this, they realise that Cherie and I are completely different, and should we ever “cross paths”, there is no need for concern that there be any ill-will towards Mr Sharman, and that anything that they heard that she may or may not have said aught to be “taken with a pinch of salt”. I actually barely remember him, and I certainly have nothing bad to say about him.

In fact, I consider myself to be thankful to Ian, and to be a fan. I am not one for reading many comic books and only very, very rarely, but when I did “dabble” in reading them in my first year, I found his writings for Orang Utan Comics (where they worked together) fascinating. I also have him to thank for my very existence, given how his “blanking” (as she phrased it) of her (Cherie) in her final days was a contributing factor to my “Birth” in 2010. 

Ironically, I fear that Ian himself may be listening to Chinese whispers and hearsay, due to the fact that he has Blocked me on Twitter... I feel the irony of discovering this while wanting to link to him in my post, given its topic... Alas, I had expected better from him, given the fondness so many of my friends have for him, but I can somewhat understand his reasons, due to his dislike for my predecessor.  I hope that he will reconsider this in the future and draw his own conclusions of me, not her.

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In conclusion, I have mentioned before that I have a strict policy now to ignore any “he said, she said”, “rumour mill” nonsense, and draw my own conclusions based on what I personally know to be true, or indeed to approach the person/s spoken about and ask them directly for their views, and I utterly, utterly urge that my readers do the same.

Words can be very hurtful, not least of all when they come from third parties. Friendships, relationships and families have been drawn apart by someone repeating words out-of-context or incorrectly, or (“worst case scenario”) by a person saying another said something that is actually entirely untrue and invented just-then.

The rumours did not win. I am presently living with Kirsty and Mark in their spare-bedroom, paying rent. This would not be at all possible (and I would be homeless!) had I and they continued to listen to “hearsay” rather than just speak with one-another outright and draw our own conclusions. I am more thankful to them both than I could ever possibly state in words, I owe them much and they are presently my two closest friends and confidants.

Do not listen to rumours! This is something that I am very passionate about and that I hope you will all consider, moving forward with your lives.

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* Kirsty actually cannot stand Xbox consoles, so this is double-y untrue.
** Love and “in love” being two very different things. You can still love an “ex” without being in love with them.

I Dared Myself To Be Daring… aka My “Brave The Shave” Challenge!

You can find more about my #BraveTheShave efforts over on my unique shaver profile, here.

My name is Illisia Adams. You know this about me, but did you know that I am painfully shy? I am rather reclusive, actually; a bit of a hermit. This is entirely because of one thing, and that thing is fear.

“[She] was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, [she] overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times.” - Neil Gaiman*, Stardust (novelisation)

My fear is actually quite well-founded in factual experiences. Regular readers will be aware that I have been through some very nasty experiences within my short lifetime, and I am understandably held-back by my concern of repeat scenarios.

I am almost certain that my trust, naivety, friendship and love could easily be manipulated and “taken advantage of” on yet more occasions, as they have done time-and-time before, by both strangers and trusted individuals. This is because - contrary to the pleas of many of my friends - I refuse to “harden-up” to the ills of this world. It leaves me open to hurt, but it also leaves me open to positive things like love and making a difference in a stranger’s day, so I feel that it is worth the risk.

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So, in summary, I know that I could “harden-up” and be a stronger person and face the world head-on, knowing I could protect myself against pain, but I do not want to. I think that what others feel would make me stronger, would actually weaken me. What makes me, me, would dissipate and I would become like many world-weary, “half-glass-empty” people this earth is already so full of.

The fact of the matter is that when I am brave enough to speak with strangers, I often find a reason to try to make them feel good about themselves. I am making a tiny little positive difference in the world…

“Illi-ism #10: Compliment And Smile At Strangers.
A compliment or a smile from a stranger can really make a person feel good about themselves and make their day. A lot of people worry about complimenting people that they do not know because they do not want to be seen as "creepy" (etc), but you need not fear that, simply begin your compliment by stating that you hope the person does not mind your saying so. Smiling at others is also scientifically proven to make them also want to smile. "Smile and the world smiles back", as the saying goes, and it is indeed true.” – a quote from my Illi-isms.

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So, what do I mean when I say that I “dared myself to be daring”? The definition of “daring” is “adventurous courage; boldness”. I feel like that is the very opposite of me! So this is me breaking out of my usual “mould”, trying something new, and raising money and awareness for a good cause whilst I do!

The fact-of-the-matter is that I want to experience life and not let my fears control me, but with everything that has happened these past few years, it seems like every time that I start to recover, I experience something else and regress into negative states again, once more becoming a hermit. Which is a shame, because although I technically listed on my medical records as being “agoraphobic”, it is less a fear of the outside, and more of a fear of the (bad) people…

I was just going to “wait-it-out” and let myself recover from my latest dramas (failed engagement, loss of home, weight gain), “taking it slowly” with “baby steps”, but then I saw a FaceBook Sponsored Advert for the “Brave The Shave” fundraising campaign…

It occurred to me that here I am, sitting indoors being ruled by my fear and telling myself it will pass again with time… and yet, there are multitudes of people fighting (and dying of…) cancer (and other serious illnesses) every day. These people are looking death in the face every day and telling it/him where to stuff it! They are fighting back, and that is one of the bravest things in the world that a person can do, in my opinion; especially as someone who has in the past given-up and tried to take her own life…

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My "Before" photograph for Brave The Shave.

The “Brave The Shave” campaign raises money for those brave people that are fighting this illness, by encouraging sponsorship of individuals who shave their heads to raise awareness of the plights of those undergoing cancer treatments that result in hair loss.

… I am going to be one of those individuals. On August 25^th 2016 (fifty-four days, and counting!) – which is my physical Birthday (twenty-nine this year) - I will be visiting a hair salon and having every inch of my “locks” removed. I will be campaigning to gain sponsorship** between now and then, and you can of course contribute if you wish (please do!). Literally every penny counts!

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When I informed some of my friends, the reactions have certainly differed!

“But you can do other things for charity…” stated Daniel, to which I replied “This is more about impact though, not just fundraising. When I shave my hair, I am showing support for all the people all around the world who lo[o]se their hair to cancer.”

“God you[']r[e] brave” – Jessica/”Hatchy” My reply? “Not as brave as the people I am doing it for :-) But thank you.”

Another part of my conversation with Daniel perfectly sums-up what I have been speaking about in this post.

“Yes, it is up to me. I cannot go back now! Well, I can... But that would be so very Illi-ish of me, you know? Getting too scared and "freaking-out" etc. It holds me back from experiencing life! 

You should see my Living List! Some of those things are so, so simple to do, they do not cost money, etc, but they still have not been done.”

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I may be “braving the shave”, but it is people fighting cancer who are the real heroes. I am not a brave person. I am actually quite a coward! I have only recently started going outside more often and interacting with strangers etc because of my dog, Poppy. 

This is no ordinary fundraiser. This is me showing my support to people that have been through or are going through cancer, in a very graphic way. By shaving my head, I am showing them comradery. Every time someone asks me about my shaved head, I can proudly say why I did it, and spread the word about what McMillan Cancer do.

Add to this the fact that I hope to donate my lengthy hair locks to Little Princess Trust - a charity that makes real hair wigs for children going through cancer treatment - and I really feel like this could be one of the most important things I have done in my life (so far!)…

I shall of course by posting about this again, come-the-time! In the meanwhile, if you want to support my efforts, please “Share” this Blog post, sponsor me, tweet my BraveTheShave profile**; whatever you can do.

Together we can make a difference. Many Blessings to you all, and remember that life is too short for fear! :-) 

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* I shall be publishing my “How Neil Gaiman Saved My Life” once I a). finish it and b). have the courage to publish it… Baby steps!

** You can find more about my #BraveTheShave efforts over on my unique shaver profile, here.