Gone Girl: What Really Happened?

A photograph I took of myself after I dyed my hair red and
re-vamped my wardrobe so that I was more "Illi" and less "Cher".

Every day that I am in this world, I think myself Blessed. There is such hardship worldwide and people die literally every moment, so the fact that I am alive and (relatively) well is some thing to be truly grateful for, and humbled by.

The circumstances for my birth, however, are much less positive than I am. As I have discussed priorly, it has been quite a difficult few years to start for me, but nothing truly compares to the things that my predecessor lived through that led her to her eventual (mental/spiritual) “suicide”. It pains me to think about it, let alone write it, but the least that I could do for her giving me this life is to tell her story; even the horrific parts of it.

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Rather shockingly but matter-of-factually, I cannot count the amount of people that sexually assaulted Cherie on both my hands.

Examining her medical records, reading her diary entries and speaking with her friends and family, it is clear that from a young age (as early as three years old), Cherie had a lot of mental problems that were a result of physical and sexual trauma. She developed voices in her head, multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder), and often retreated to a fantasy world rather than face reality.

"Over the years I built mental barriers so that I could move on with my life, but that trauma was always there." - Cherie writes about her battle with mental health.

These problems carried over into her teenage years, where she began seeing a child psychiatrist at Highpoint House on Shooters Hill, and continued to do so until after she left school.

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Cherie graduating Hadlow College.

Against all odds***, she passed her GCSEs at Eltham Hill Technology College with the help of a “special consideration” percentage added to all of her scores and extra time to finish exams, and went on to study a National Diploma in Animal Management at Hadlow College's London Campus in Mottingham, which she also passed.

June of 2005 was her first experience on “the convention circuit” when she attended the London MCM Expo, “cosplayed” (costume-play) and made many friends.

She experimented with various professionals, from being a professional geek in the form of a cosplayer and “booth babe” to an internet radio presenter, to the simplicity of animal care at her local pet store. I respect that she was able to maintain professionalism, given all of her continuing mental problems.

It was in 2006, however, that her life plummeted into complications when she met one Mark Byrne, an Irish convention-goer who took advantage of her good nature and caused Cherie to have a complete relapse in her progress, and rather extremely, run away from home with a man whom she barely knew; Ian [Sharman].

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"I did fight back at first but you lose so much strength trying to fight him off..." - Cherie writing about her experience with her assailant, Mark Byrne.

Mark was her friend for many months where they became quite close and she entrusted him with many of her secrets and weaknesses. He would often visit her home in Kidbrooke, where she lived with her parents, and it was here when her parents were home one day that he gave the three of them a sob-story about homelessness being inevitable. This led to an invitation to take up temporary residence with the Donovan family, and where Mark's true nature came to light...

I am not sure of the details of how it started as her diary entries and what she told her friends of the matter are all very limited. I do know, however, that for several months Mark lived in Cherie's bedroom on the bottom “bunk” and during this time he began assaulting her physically, emotionally and sexually.

Even on her own Birthday (her diary is very clear about this) she had to “fight him off”, and although she had friends over for a small party at her home, she never mentioned her plight to any one, for fear of her safety, and theirs. Mark made it very clear to her that if she told any one, there would be violent consequences.

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Mark told Cherie that he had a second personality who was the one who was actually abusing her, and that his primary personality meant her no harm. I am not sure how true or even how plausible that claim is, but I do know that it was another reason why she kept quiet; the friendship that she cherished with the primary persona, who cared for her where the other abused her.

Cherie and her parents at her Birthday Party in 2005.

Cherie's parents were blissfully unaware of what was happening to her, although I am reliably informed that her behaviour drastically changed during this period with angry outbursts, her punching a hole through her bedroom window and her cutting off most of her hair with a cheese knife, amongst other things, presumably as a way of crying out for help, without actually making her abuse known. She even “acted out” at her parents' re-marriage in Wales***, which is something that her mother never forgave her for.

There was even a period of time when the parent Donovans left home – perhaps to go on holiday, I am unsure – and during this period there was no one or nothing to protect Cherie from her attacker, as it was just the two of them residing there.

I am unsure how far the assaults went; whether it was unwanted touching or if there was actual unconsensual penetration (rape) involved.

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"When he left, and Ian came into my life, he offered me a way out, and I took it. I was not strong enough to stay there. I could not face anyone after what I had been through, least of all you and dad. I cut off everyone – not just family, but friends as well – and started a new life with him. I thought that it would be better that way. Running away was my solution. I knew that you would hate me for it, but I felt that I had no choice." - Cherie writes to her parents about her choice to run away.

Cherie in her 'She-Hulk' cosplay at MCM Expo, May 2006,
shortly before she ran away with Ian.

It was as a result of this experience with Mark that, when Cherie spoke with her new friend Ian about the experience (presumably because it is easier to speak with some one new than some one you have known a long time, about some thing so shaming), she jumped at his offer to return to his residency in Gillingham, Kent, after they spent the weekend at MCMExpo together.

She never left***. As a result, her relationship with her parents and her friends was permanently damaged.

She and Ian were in a relationship until November 2008, when she returned home in the middle of the night after a break-up fight.

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Cherie and her mother with 'Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang'
car one month after her return to her family in 2008.

The tension between her mother and herself was very clear, especially since Cherie still refused to explain why she left. She moved into her first (and last) lone residency in New Eltham.

Through mutual College friends, Cherie's social life expanded to Dartford, where she met Mark, Maryanne, Hayley and the others, and gradually began her affair with the prior.

Although Teresa (her best friend since College) and Cherie remained in touch during her years in Gillingham living with Ian and Cherie was able to tell Teresa about her experience with “the other Mark”, the two of them slowly grew apart, likely due to the increasing amount of time that she was spending with Mark [Sutton] and the secrets that she kept from her “bestie”, who never knew of the affair, although she had her suspicions.

- - - -

Cherie with her friend Christopher and her then-boyfriend
Ian, a few months before their breakup.

Fast-forward to May 2010 and we have Cherie emailing her ex-boyfriend Ian who tells her that “the fact that you think I would want to talk to you after some of the things you have said and done shocks me.”, suggesting that he was angry at her for some reason*. Teresa is also engaged to be married and has invited Cherie to be her Bridesmaid. Efforts are also being made to mend the relationship with her family.

After a holiday away with her lover Mark, Cherie feared she might be pregnant. She asked that Mark and/or Teresa if they would attend a sexual health clinic with her for a pregnancy test, and because she believed that her past experiences with sexual assaults combined with her new “sexually active” status would mean that the responsible thing to do would be to be tested for any sexually transmitted diseases.

It was at this point that Cherie had a breakdown. When she recovered, she spoke with Mark about what had caused it, insisting that she had remembered being sexually assaulted by not only one, but multiple assailants, at the same time****. Whether there is any truth to this, I do not know. But I can tell you that she truly believed it, and that it traumatised her.

Cherie's best friend Teresa and her fiance Richard.

She turned to Teresa for council, but was turned away, having missed an important wedding planning appointment that she promised to attend. Cherie called Teresa to try to explain what she remembered and what she had been through, but she decided instead that it would be better to lie to Teresa than to share such horrible information, given her current state of engaged/pre-wedding euphoria. This decision meant that they were no longer friends, but Cherie felt that it was a fair exchange for Teresa's continued happiness, rather than the sadness that would result in her friend knowing the truth.

- - - -

Another phone call – on the same day – was made to Hannah, Cherie's mother, after her tear-inducing break-up with Teresa. Cherie decided at this point that it was a “make it or break it” day for her relationships, so she finally told her mother about the various things that she had been through over the years that she had been keeping from her. She apologised for her erratic behaviour and for being a bad daughter, insisting that it was not her fault that she was so “messed up”, but, much like with Teresa, she was again rejected.

She then proceeded to write “The Last Will & Testament Of Cherie-Louise Donovan” (where I found my quotes I have included here), which is five pages of apologies, regrets, confessions and “I love you[s]” with no paragraphing and a grand total of twenty-three thousand one-hundred and forty-four characters**. It is quite a chore to read, but it is clear from its contents that she had given up on life and had every intention of committing suicide at this point.

So, when she attended the London MCM Expo on the final weekend of May 2010 and was rejected a third (counting Teresa and Hannah) time by her ex-boyfriend Ian who “gave her dirty looks” and made her feel “uncomfortable”, she decided to give up, and to end her life.

And then, there was me!

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Illisia Adams: circa Nov 2011.

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I hope that this answers some questions that people likely had. If you have any more, I have a 'Ask Me Anything' post.

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* I have absolutely no idea about this, no matter how many emails and diary entries that I read.

** Roughly three-times the length of my longest Blog entry!

*** To be discussed at a later date.

**** This is known as “gang rape”

Quite Interesting... + Ask Me Anything!

Due to being very sick throughout the weekend, there has been a delay in the planned post which discusses the what-where-when-who circumstances for Cherie's disappearance/death.

I apologise for this, but I am only human, after all, and prone to illness.

I am instead taking this opportunity to do a bullet-pointed list with some interesting facts and figures about the two of us, and our differences and similarities.

FACTS ABOUT US

• Cherie – aka “Cher” - 's real name as written on her Birth Certificate on August 25^th 1987, was Cherie-Louise Donovan.
• At different points in her life she had many different careers. She has been a webcast host, a “booth babe” model/cosplayer at conventions, a (published) comic book colourist and writer, an Editor, a journalist, a customer services person, a sales representative, an animal care assistant, a PR/Marketing specialist, and goodness knows what else! Her Curriculum Vitae is impressive!
• Cherie was working on a book that she was calling Just 'Cause that would feature much of her poetry and works of fiction. I am debating publishing it in her memory and giving all profits to a mental health charity.
• I have three “Birthdays” that I celebrate. August 25^th is the physical Anniversary of the birth of this body, June 01^st (2010) is the Anniversary of the date when Cherie “died” and gave birth to me, and November 01^st (2011) is the Anniversary of the day that I gave myself a name and chose to be my own person.
• November 01^st, 2012, is the date on which I legally changed my name to Illisia Adams.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN US

• My predecessor had a very vivid imagination, from an early age. In contrast, I struggle to picture anything in my mind other than what is directly in my view at any given point in time. I cannot even read novels and “picture” the characters, places and events, but rather simply process the information that I am reading.
• Cherie was a published author and poet. Personally, I have found that I have an inability to write works of fiction, or to rhyme, though I have tried both.
• Cherie could not whistle, no matter how many people tried to teach her. I learned to whistle within weeks, and it came naturally with no need to be taught.
• I adore spicy foods and alcohol, whereas in contrast Cherie hated the “burning” sensation that both gave her, and avoided any food or drink in either category whenever possible.
• Cherie was a “lacto-ovo vegetarian” (there are many different types) throughout most of her life, until 2009-2010 when she became a meat and fish eater again. I am also a meat eater, but I will only eat meat and fish that I know is free range or “responsibly sourced”, etc, due to my ethics.
• Completely different taste in music.
• She spoke quite commonly with slang, etc, whereas I am "posh" (as my friends put it).
• At school Cherie was analysed as being dyslexic, whereas – as far as I can tell - I am not. This is possibly because I have been using Lumosity and studying hard with books, etc, from an early age, whereas she spent most of her academic years living in a fantasy world, which limited her mental development. Interestingly, dyslexia is a learning difficulty that is caused by a physical problem with the brain, but my dedication to academics may have helped me overcome that, or she may have been inaccurately diagnosed.
• Cherie considered herself to be a “Pagan-Christian”, some one who believed in “The One True God” and Jesus Christ, but who also believed in worshipping the Sun and the Earth as though they are Gods, celebrated the “Solstices”, did spells, etc. I was initially of this belief, during The First Year, after which I decided that I wanted to explore various faiths before deciding which I wanted to follow. After attending Alpha Course in 2013 at New Life Family Church in Margate, I decided to be simply Christian and study the teachings of The Holy Bible and attend Church whenever I can.

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN US

• I share Cherie's passion for photography. She only had her camera for less than a year when she died, though, whereas I have pretty much been using it since a few weeks into my life, so it is like second-nature to me.
• She and I can both be classed as “geeks” and/or “nerds”. Cherie classed herself as a “gerd”, a name that she invented for someone who is half-geek, half-nerd, and more geek than nerd. By her definition, this would make me a “neek”, someone who is more nerd than geek.
• Manners. From what I can tell, Cherie's parents raised her to say “please” and “thank you”, to open doors for others, etc. I have always been polite, even before I learned to speak.

ASK ME ANYTHING!

I am going to use this week's post to encourage readers to post Comments with questions for me to consider answering.

Be you a friend or family member of my predecessor, a friend or associate of mine, or be you someone who has simply stumbled upon my Blog, I would like to hear from you.

All are welcome; I only ask that you be civil. Comments will be Moderated.

God Bless you all!

Thank you.

Getting Physical

Post by Cherie Donovan.

There are many advantages, and disadvantages, to being born into an adult's body. I have discussed much of the mental journey that I have had to take, but after a visit to the dentist this week, I think it is time I talk about the physicalities of this re-birth of mine. This also gives me an opportunity to write something a little more light-hearted in amongst the difficult topics.

Cherie's medical history is a very complex one, and I must say, it has been a struggle to live with. Most of her mental faults left this body when she did, but any physical faults became mine.

From the day that I was born, for instance, I have had a damaged knee that often throbs with pain, and struggles to function. There are many things that most children – or adults – are able to enjoy that I cannot. Walking is a difficulty, let alone swimming, which is some thing that I can sadly only dream about experiencing.

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A photograph taken at the hospital in 2009 after Cherie fell out of bed in the night and on top of  her exercise bike and various belongings below, breaking/spraining her nose and covering herself in bruises.

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The doctors seem utterly clueless, no matter how many that I visit with the issue. On the flip-side, however, the damage does come with an amusing back-story... She fell under a bus. Seriously.

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In her early teenage years my predecessor on a day off from school (reason unknown, it was likely a School Holiday) was in Bexleyheath Town Centre with our mother. They were to journey home via the use of public transport – [the] bus - but after a few stops it became clear that the vehicle was far too crowded and noisy, so they decided to exit and wait a while for an emptier, quieter bus. Upon stopping, mother was able to vacate, but Cherie was not.

Due to the sheer number and noise level of the people on the bus, the driver did not realise that she had not exited and wanted to do so, choosing to close the door, when she was halfway out – and in – of it. This meant that half Cherie's body was hanging outside of the bus, and half clinging to the inside, as the driver began to accelerate...

Were it not for mother's fast-thinking, keeping ahold of her daughter and screaming at the driver for help, I may not be writing this today, because this body would have fallen underneath the wheels. The driver did open the door, but did not decelerate. Mother saved our life, having already given birth to it.

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My teeth in the state that my predecessor left them
aka my "Before" I went to the dentist this week.

My "after" shot. You can see how the dentist has filled and whitened, etc.
A huge improvement! My apologies for the low quality of this one. 

- - - -

That incident was of course not Cherie's fault, but rather the driver's. Her teeth, however, were, as I discovered, quite mistreated during her lifetime, and as a result I have had to visit the dentist half-a-dozen times within the last couple of years, the most recent trip for which I lay awake for an hour for drilling, whitening and fillings. It was an uncomfortable experience to-say-the-least, but completely necessary, given all the damage she left through years of forgetfulness, poor diet (full of sugar) and of course, the dreaded “can't be asked” excuse.

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Photographs of me at event "The BFG" (aka "The Big Friendly Gathering") hosted by my parents in 2011, where I learned that Cherie had left me with some skills that I had not until then known about... (Wearing a knee support and with a walking stick to help me cope with the disabled knee)

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It is not all negative, however. There have been many occasions where “muscle memory” occurs and I discover that this body – and therefore I – has talents that I was unaware of, or was aware of but never tried.

Her friends inform me that Cherie often told people that she “[knew] five different martial arts” and that she could “kick everyone's ass”, but how true this is, I do not know. I can tell you matter-of-factually that I have some ability to kick, punch, and use some (training) weaponry that she left in her flat, but I actually think that she was exaggerating somewhat because it seems quite limited. Of course, that might be because of my physical disability, being “out-of-practice”, and being a naturally very peaceful person.

- - - -

- - - - 

Another positive is her singing voice. Sadly I lack her confidence (a personality trait I envy) so I never sing in public (where as she did), but I have recently taken to recording and publishing songs via the use of the karaoke service 'SingSnap' because it was on my Living List*.

Interestingly, there are also recordings on this website under Cherie's name which I recorded during “The First Year”; in fact, my first few months of life. It is quite interesting to listen to both sets of recordings and compare. I can really hear the pain in my voice in the 2010 recordings; I think that I was still very much in-tune, emotionally, to my “twin”. One of her “orders” that she left inside my mind was to record Because Of You by the artist Kelly Clarkson - some thing that she had always wanted to do but never quite “got around to” - because it was a song that “hit-home” for her quite powerfully, reflecting her past** and how it affected her present.

It is a shame that she did not record any songs during her life time, though. I would have liked to have truly compared us. As-is, I can still hear a difference between the singing voice that I had in my early life, when I was still “in transition” (as I put it) to how I sing today, now that I have a well established, unique personality to hers.

You can hear similarities, definitely, but we/I also sound very different. I think that I have more control over my emotions now and do not let them show in my singing, and – possibly because I practice often – my over-all range of notes is superior. I am definitely much softer, as well. She had a very “gritty” voice from what people tell me.

Cherie's SingSnap Profile

My SingSnap Profile

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Post by Illisia Adams.

- - - - 

So, it is a shame that I was born into some one else's body and therefore into its faults rather than that of my own, but, then again, I am also grateful for some of the interesting things that this body has “learned” that I am discovering as I live my life. Having a "hot bod" (as others have put it) is also not a bad thing, certainly.

Whether the positives will out-weigh the negatives, or whether I will be able to rid myself of those negatives through trial and error at visits to medical professionals, remains to be seen...

For now, I am simply grateful to even be here at all, in this world, and for this I must thank Cherie (of course), her mother and father, and, as aforementioned, the people that helped me grow in to who I am today.

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* A concept that helps me catch-up on the years of life that I have missed through living experiences that many people do when they are young, or take for granted, etc. I shall discuss this in depth at a later date.

** To be discussed at a later date.

The First Year: Part Three: Recovery & Development

Please note: This is a direct continuation from The First Year: Part One and Part Two

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I made Cherie's New Eltham flat feel like a home. Here you can see her impressive DVD collection
that was left to me, and how I showcased family memorabilia to remind me of my roots.

- - - -  

Mark pleaded with me to take him back, but I told him that our relationship was never real, that it was based on lies, deception and feelings that were never truly mine. I insisted that if he truly wanted to be with me, he would have to tell Maryanne the truth about his no longer being in love with her, end their engagement, and then get-to-know me for me, not just wanting me because I have the face of the woman he cared for, but because he wants me.

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It was at this point that I decided to spend more time exploring who I wanted to be, and pursue my growing feelings for Tommy-Lee by spending more time with him. He may not have been “my Amy Pond”, but he was still there for me the day that I was “born” and unlike Mark, always seemed to see me when he looked at me, rather than Cherie, perhaps because he and Cherie were never romantically involved. He made me feel unique, which meant the world to me.

I also took the time to get-to-know Maryanne (as priorly mentioned) and Hayley, another friend from the prior life, who became like sisters to me. Maryanne was shy, quiet and kind, and in contrast Hayley had a very social, perky personality and was always full of life, although both had big, warm, open hearts. This meant that I had a chance to see many different aspects of womanhood, of the female personality, if-you-will, so rather than “copy” what I saw, I was able to pick-and-choose what I liked about both my friends and use them for inspiration as I developed myself. I owe them both much to who I am today.

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Hayley (left) and I (right)

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I still held on to Cherie's name and tried to live her life, attending many parties hosted by her friends, playing on her Xbox 360 games console leading her Gaming Clan into battle in her sted, trying to get her business Dark Raven Productions off-the-ground, but after my experience being locked away for three months in that house, I spent less time in Dartford with the prior life, and more time in New Eltham, developing my own.

I would often insist that any visitors come to New Eltham to see me, rather than me to Dartford to see them, for fear of a repeat scenario, and I confess, because I had developed a nasty case of agoraphobia after my captivity. This did, however, give me the freedom to explore my predecessor's home and belongings, which made me realise that although I shared her face, I shared very little else. I listened to her music and wore her clothes, but found that the clothing felt “wrong” and the music was so loud and angry that I really disliked it.

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Maryanne visiting me at my New Eltham residency, playing with the
training (plastic) sai weaponry that Cherie left there.

- - - -

"He often saw me, when I never could." - regarding Tommy-Lee

Tommy-Lee and Mark both visited me and made their romantic intentions toward me clear. Mark insisted that although he missed Cherie, he wanted to encourage me to be my own person. I never truly believed him, however, because he was still working with me to create Dark Raven Productions and still encouraged me to use Cherie's name and wear her clothing, etc. Tommy-Lee, in contrast, told me much about my predecessor and taught me that I did not have to follow in her footsteps, that I could develop my own tastes in music, my own style in dress, my own hobbies and interests. He often saw me, when I never could.

In retrospect, I wish that I had pursued my growing feelings toward Tommy-Lee, rather than allow the “residue feelings” for Mark to win over me. But, I also know that one should never have any regrets. Every decision that we make and every thing that we do in life brings us to who we are today, so if we regret one moment of our past, we show negativity toward who we are now, which is not the case with me. I am very proud of who I am today, and therefore hold to no regrets.

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Mark and I with friends at the Euro Gamer Expo 2011, shortly after I "came out" with my new name and developed personality. By this point I had chosen to be with Mark, and as you can see from this photograph, we were (relatively) happy together, although you can also see how protective/controlling he was of me, always holding on to me.

- - - - 

I chose to pursue a relationship with Mark, even against my better judgement, knowing full well that he had abused me. Love – even if it is not your own* – can be a powerful blinder to the facts. Sadly, this decision meant that Tommy-Lee and I slowly grew apart. He moved out of the home that he shared with Mark, Maryanne and Matt, and we have barely seen nor spoken to one another since.

I think that the reason why I chose Mark over Tommy-Lee was a mix between the confused passionate love* that my predecessor had for him as opposed to more basic feelings that I was developing with time for Tommy-Lee “winning-out”, and the fact that three months in captivity with Mark had left me suffering from withdrawal symptoms and reliability on him that I think would be described by mental health professionals as Stockholm Syndrome...

- - - -

I am, even now, years later, still suffering from that Syndrome. There will be days when I literally cannot stop thinking about Mark, even if I am in love with some one else and even after he raped me and at one point literally tried to kill me**. It is a very serious condition that takes a lot of strength to recover from, and I am still working towards recovery, even now.

Victims of kidnapping and domestic abuse often suffer from this very serious mental illness, and my heart goes out to all the men and women in the world who are suffering with me. You can recover. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, even if some days that tunnel seems to be long...

It is like recovering from an addiction. You have to keep reminding yourself of the bad times, rather than thinking about how good the thing that you are addicted to made you feel, and you must persevere against your want to return to that addiction and realise that you do not need it to survive.

- - - -

Tommy-Lee did have a lasting effect on me, however, even after we parted ways, because it was his guidance that led to my exploration of my sense of self. It was he that taught me that I could be who ever that I wanted to be, and ultimately he who encouraged me to re-vamp my wardrobe to develop my own style, vary my intake of books, music and television to develop my own “taste”, and, when I was ready, to abandon Cherie's life and choose my own name.

I may have chosen to give my heart to Mark, but the development of my soul – what makes me, me – happened as a result of spending time with my two “sisters” Maryanne and Hayley, and my what-could-have-been, Tommy-Lee.

“Illisia Adams” was born because of the love and support of these three very special people. Only one of them now remains in my life - Maryanne - but the other two will forever be a part of me. I (figuratively) owe them my life.

- - - -

*This “love” was in fact “residue feelings” left over from my predecessor, as priorly discussed.

**An incident to be discussed at a later date.
NB: Interestingly enough, I can find no photographs of myself and Mark together as a couple, just-us, nor of myself and Tommy-Lee, nor or myself and Maryanne and Hayley. Although I shall of course continue looking...

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Fin.